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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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Hello! Im 25/M, shes 22/F. We havent seen each other since

Customer Question

Hello! I'm 25/M, she's 22/F. We haven't seen each other since highschool, and for the longest time I was really nervous about talking to her because I thought she was out of my league. Recently, I had a surge of confidence, and noticed she had posted on facebook that she was unemployed (she's in the fashion industry).

I replied to her post, telling her to get out of working for other people, and to do what she has always wanted: selling her own line. She started off pretty terse, asking how she would be able to afford the fabric. I told her 'waiting tables', which she replied to that with 80,000 dollars in debt, she couldn't follow her dream and pay off her debts waiting tables.

Thus our conversation began:

Me: My roommate Geoff got a business and finance degree from NYU and he's doing stellar waiting tables and bartending - paying off his debts and building capital to start his own hedge fund. But waiting isn't the end all be all; obviously if a better opportunity arises, take it. But there is some serious cash flow for a pretty girl like yourself doing a little side work, especially in a bigger establishment. If you need a great place to work in the Morristown or Summit area, three of my roomates are working with the Harvest Restaraunt group, and they're making bank. I could certainly try to set you up with something very lucrative if you're interested, but I know it isn't your passion, so no harm.

Her: no thanks, XXXXX XXXXX taken advantage of the past 3 jobs ive had no about to do it again. and a pretty girl like myself can tell all of those work places to f**k themselves.

~~

Saw my opening , so I took it off the facebook posts to instant messaging. Asked about her last jobs, she told me she was taken advantage of, and I continued from there.

Her: how are you

Me: I'm pretty good, living in morristown in a house, getting ready to fill out the FAFSA and finally go through with my GI Bill benefits and apply to college. Besides the trouble with holding on to fashion design jobs, how have you been? What have you been up to? How have your holidays been?

Her: do you still live in hunterdon?
ohh you already answere
thats really exciting!
what do you want to go to school for?
im okay
im living in highland mills, ny with my aunt and uncle
my parents had a rough past three years (alcholism, breaking up, getting back together, bank taking house)
so i just moved in about 2 months ago

Me: I'm so sorry to hear that Lisa How has living with your aunt and uncle been? For awhile I wanted to do Nursing, but a few of the MDs in the emergency room I work at forced be to reconsider and try to go for either Physicians Assistant or a Doctor of Orthostatic Medicine. They feel as though I have too much knowledge of bodily repair that would be wasted on nursing care, so I guess I'm gonna start out getting an undergrad in biology. Come back to NJ often, or are we out of your scope now that you've fallen in love with the bright lights of the city?

Her: i think thats a smart choice, you will make more money and your knowledge will get put to use!
mmm i dont come back too often, i am still in the woods up here so its not so different
and yes, i do love the city!
maybe i will in the summer, when it is pretty in hunterdon

(at this point, I had gone downstairs to eat dinner with roomates, and didn't respond quickly enough. She messaged me again after about 20 minutes of silence from me)

alright i guess goodnight then

Me: Well you should come to Morristown some time, have a drink with me so we can catch up. It would be great to see you, hear about your time in Milan (I hope I got that right). Hear a little more about the fashion life, I bet you've done some crazy shows.

Sorry I was having dinner with the roomies . Text me sometime! [phone number]

Her: yeah that sounds like fun!
my car is currently broken as of a few days ago something to do with the coolant leaking, but once i get it fixed ill come to morristown!
my number is [phone number]

~~~

I waited a day before messaging her. I went on facebook and found out that she had already gotten another job offer! Her facebook post simply said "employed". So I went and texted her over the phone.

Me: Hey it's Ben, congrats on the new job! What are ya gonna be doing?

Her: Thanks! I'm sorry Ben who? Just working for the next four days helping a friend at a trade show. Still not a real job. How are you?

Me: Ben [last name]

Her: Oh!!! Hey hey :D How are you?!

Me: Great! Yourself? What will you be doing at the trade show?

Her: Selling scarves haha

Me: Are you making them?

Her: No :(

Me: Aww you will soon.

Her: Your interest in my work life is really sweet! Haha

Me: I've seen your stuff, you've got talent! I want to lend a hand any way I can

Her: Thanks :] I've been putting the finishing touches on my grad school work! I'm excited. What are you up to.

~~
So, do you think she is interested in me?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

It is hard to say, I've read through the text and Facebook conversation and it seems you've spurred her on to think about her ambitions. I'm not sure if this is what you'd want to hear, but I'm trying to give you my objective observations and perspective, I'm hoping it will help. She seems to have taken what you've said and utilized it to contemplate some change - this is fantastic for her.

I don't get the sense she's quite ready to start a new relationship just yet (based on her responses of people using her in the last 3 jobs). If you were really keen on her I'd give her some time to get to know you. You really sound very attentive and caring, you know how to find ways to boost her self esteem and this is all good and will help in the long term, but for now, perhaps it's about just slowly, gradually getting to know her. Her response of "Ben who" kinda indicates either she knows many Bens(?!) or she's keeping her distance. You don't want to get hurt in this process so I'd say to you, keep your wits about you, don't jump in there and do think about the signs and signals you may want to see but also those you may not want to see.

I currently see someone who is struggling financially, who's been hurt and a nice, kind old high school friend is being nice to her. That's it (maybe for now).

You could after several future conversations ask her for a coffee and see how that goes. Maybe meet somewhere quite public and take it from there?

Good luck in whatever you choose to do, and well done for encouraging someone in their dreams, I think she needed someone to believe in her and you have given her that. Her phone text seemed more warm and indicating a happier person, so who knows, maybe she will eventually let you in and trust someone after all!
Please accept my answer in you have found my response helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further.
Kind regards, Karin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I ran out of space in my initital post, but the conversation continued from where I left off:

Her: Thanks :] I've been putting the finishing touches on my grad school work! I'm excited. What are you up to.

Me: Gonna go see Life of Pi in Imax


 


Her: That movie looked really sweet! I also want to les mis and Anna Kerenina

Me: Let's go see Les Mis when you come to MoTown


 


Her: Alright!


 


Me: So what's up with the coolant?


 


Her: In my car? Either a hose has a leak or the radiator has a leak...


 


Me: Eesh cracked radiators are no bueno. You can still go places, just top off the coolant before you go anywhere and keep extra in your trunk. What year/model is it? (The car)

Her: I'm bringing it to the shop tomorrow so I should get it fixed its a dodge intrepid I think it's old haha.


 


[At this point, I didn't respond because I was driving to the movies with my friend. After ten minutes, she sent another message]


 


Her: Keep in touch we will plan to do something soon!


 


Me: Cool maybe we will


 


Her: Have fun at your movie!

I will certainly accept your answer after you take this conversation in mind. What should I do next? Should I wait for her to message me? If not, how long should I wait before I try to strike up conversation again? Thanks for all your help!

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there again,

Wow, this latter part of the conversation certainly sounds more like she'd be interested...!
I'd give her a week or so, text back and just strike up a conversation that "you know you said you'd like to go see Les Mis/ Anna Karenina, well it's on at xxx, do you fancy going together?" If she says she's busy but perhaps she would like to another time, then great. If she says I'm busy but doesn't offer any further choices, I'd leave it a bit longer say, another couple of weeks and try and talk via Facebook and gauge at that point if she's interested in meeting up socially.
This second part of the conversation seems much more sociable and as though she'd be keen, but my motto - just be careful, as you don't know what she may have been through in the past with relationships which may make her keep her distance with you - but it's most definitely worth talking with her over text and Facebook and seeing how things progress as she doesn't come across as totally against it nor that she's uncomfortable with your conversations.

Good luck Ben!

Please accept my answer if you have found my response helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further.

Kind regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
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Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi Customer,
Just touching base with you and wondering how you got on with my response. Did you make any final decisions about the girl or are you reflecting on things?
I hope all is well with you; you know where I am if you need further assistance or support, just put "Hi Karin.." at the start of any new questions and I will do my best to help you :)
Take care, Karin

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Karin Samms
Karin Samms
Counselor
299 Satisfied Customers
with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues