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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1369
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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break up

Customer Question

I have been with this guy for over 8 months our relationship was on and off, He broke up with me recently, i am 33 and he is 32, I understand that his family is not ok with us to be together as he at some point wanted to get married to me, and the main reason is because i have been married before and i am 1 year older than him so after he broke up with me, i went no contact and he called me after 4 days asking me to go for a coffee with him which i did, we went out for about 3 time the 1st two times didn't touch me but he was so closed to me and he was asking me if i had anybody else in my life, i didn't give him a direct answer, but the third time we went out for a coffee, he tried to force me to kiss him and i have asked him what does he want from me he said that he is confused, lost and he doesn't know and that he is getting a lots of pressure so i asked him what is from he didn't answer, two days ago he called me about 10 times asking me where am i and what am i doing etc and inviting me for a coffee but i could not go, yesterday didn't ring me all day, so what i have decided to do is to speak to him and put everything on the table, so we had a long conversation on skype, and i said to him where is this relationship heading to and i said that is clearly is not a friendship, and asked him what does he think, he said if i sat with someone and brain wash me and he sees it as normal relationship, i said to him that i have feelings for him and he has to which he addmited, i said that it's difficult for me to be a friend of his for that reason, he said that i am selfish eather i want a commitment or nothing, so i have told him that i am sorry but i can not be his friend and carry on kissing and touching and i have to cut all contact including deleting him from facebook,and while i am talking to him he said give me a kiss as a joke, and said what not even a phone call, i said not even that and explained to him that each time i tried to move on he pulls me back by his phone calls he suggested that we can be friends and he promises that he won't touch me and he is worried about me as i leave by my self and i have nobody here, i said don't worry about that and that i can't be his friend and for him to take care. he said that i will miss him at somepoint and call him, i said iwon't do that and that he knows me. I really love this man and i want him in my life, he didn't leave for me a choice and i don't know what to do next to get him back, i am sure he has feeling for me but don't know where is the problem exactly, I am using no contact rule now hoping that he will try to get back to me, we had the a similar situation before quiet long time ago when his friends were telling him that i am not good enough for him but we got back together, I feel lost and don't know what to do

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Hello. You have done everything right in this situation. It is exactly what I would have told you to do as far as telling him everything and putting it all out on the table. There is nothing wrong with wanting a commitment or nothing because being friends is difficult, especially with someone you want more from. He wants you to do what he wants you to do which is convenient for him and his own needs. He does not seem to care much about what you are looking for. When he says he feels a lot of pressure from outside sources, this is not a good sign at all. If he is an adult and can make his own decisions, why are outside influences a factor? He should not be so concerned about his parents or friends if they are the ones telling him what he should or should not be doing.
I think you did the right thing by cutting off contact with him. For him to say you will call him, is quite arrogant on his end, as you have told him that you have feelings for him. He wants a friends with benefits type of relationship and if that is not okay with you, then it's not okay. He needs to understand that there is more at stake than a casual relationship which he seems to want to keep private.
I think you are doing a great job with this situation as it is. Try and hold off contacting him to see if he comes around. Talking to him and being honest and up front about what you want and need out of life and a relationship is the way to go. Always be honest. If he cannot meet your needs, then you should not waste your time with his games.
You deserve better than that !
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1369
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Dr,


Thank your for checking on me, He still Didn't call me, i am finding it hard to deal with and i am feeling lost, i know i should move on and make my time busy which i am trying to do i am deffinitly not calling him and


feeling lost

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Many thanks


 


 

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Dr Paige,


 


He called me 6 times, didn't answer and sent me a text message asking me if i am ok?, don't know what should i do should ignore him for a while so i give the chance to relise his mistake or call him back.


 


Many thanks

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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