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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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I moved to live in Australia with (Aussie) husband and our

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I moved to live in Australia with (Aussie) husband and our 5 year old daughter. I have 2 older children in the UK and family. Whenever we come to see them (my family- mum, kids and brothers), my husband is always very stressed and I feel that I am walking on egg shells. He doesnt really like being here - he is bored, doesnt like the cold and starts criticising things. I can never relax totally. He says that I always defend my brothers too much and any small issue becomes a major one. He starts talking about how expensive the trip costs and doesnt seem to understand (or doesnt care) how much his behaviour impacts on my time with my family. I try to arrange things to do whilst we are here - but even that isnt enough. To be honest, I would prefer if he didnt come with me.
I only have 3 weeks with them and within 3 days he had an issue with me already.
He stops talking to me altogether. I asked him why he was angry and he said
"you dont ask your family for help when you should", "you defend your brothers too much" and "you still havent sold your car yet" - each one of these things are related to pretty minor issues - but that lead to him ignoring me for 2 days totally. I said that I was only here for a few weeks and wanted to try and enjoy my time here. I offered explanations to all the issues he raised - but he rejected all of them. When I became upset and started crying, he couldnt care less. My daughter heard him and told him to say sorry to me but he said he didnt see why he needed to.
I feel as I am stuck. I spend most of my life with him and his family in Australia and do my utmost to get along with everyone there. I am not sure what the best thing to do is - so any advice would be gratefuly recieved
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

Please give me a moment while I read through your question carefully and prepare an excellent answer for you. I shall respond very soon. Regards, Karin
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there again,

Your husband appears to not be happy with you spending time with your family. He comes across as perhaps jealous or threatened by them, not that this is a reason, but perhaps because you come across as caring so deeply for them. The fact at your daughter is aware of your arguments and how he upsets you is also unfortunate as he isn't painting himself in a good light with her either. All of this feels very unfortunate and unnecessary and like you say, it is very hurtful for you.

I wonder if you have spoken to him about this in this way- that you have tried your best to make things work with his family yet, he doesn't seem to offer similar back to you and yours. It is not necessarily relevant what your family are like compared to his, he should be able to 'be there' for you and simply get on with them and you whilst he is in the UK.
The other option might be, as you said, in future to not have him in the UK with you and your daughter and he needs to make that decision - you can explain that "if this is your behaviour when we are there, it might be best that you don't come seeing as you're not happy there" how would this feel about saying something like this?

You say that you have two older children in the UK, do you think this also leaves him feeling threatened, the fact that you haven't sold your car (I'm assuming its in UK), also maybe makes him feel you are not sowing your roots in Australia? It's just a thought and may be one of the reasons why he gets so defensive.

These are my observation based on what you have said. I also wonder if you love him and if he loves you, that perhaps away from your family he may be quite a different person? Is this the case? If so, it indicates he really only has an issue and feels threatened and concerned about how much you still have invested in the UK. When you're back in Australia, perhaps you and he could sit down in a calm manner and talk through what it is that bothers him so much. Try to understand what his fears might be (most possibly they are irrational) and you could reassure him about them.

I hope this response was helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further.

Kind regards, Karin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Dear XXXXX, Thank you for your advice. I will do as you suggest and speak to him when we are in Australia. What hurts me the most, is that I have left my children behind in the UK (they are 22 +20) to be with him in Australia. I feel that I have made an enormous sacrifice which he cannot reciprocate by even giving me a few weeks of happiness when I am here. His answer to this is "You wanted to live here when I asked you".


He has a small family and one brother and the family dynamic is a little different to mine. He is always criticising his mum in particular - she annoys him within seconds.


The only person he loves without criticism is his daughter.


I feel he lacks empathy and is emotionless at times. The hardest thing in the world for him to do is to say sorry. Sometimes I have said sorry just to make peace. He will hold a grudge and never forget it.


Things are different in Australia but if my brothers come to visit - he starts withdrawing himself, working late etc so that he doesnt have to communicate with them. It is very awkward and again I am left feeling very uncomfortable. The last time it happened in Australia- we had a huge "discussion" and I explained that I thought he was very unfair. He said he would try but as I said, within a couple of days of being here, he has issues.


I think he is very insecure but very proud. I do love him, but his behaviour and attitude is causing me alot of hurt.

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
HiCustomer

It truly does sound difficult for you.

His behaviour almost comes across as bullyish in how he responds to you and to his mum. You may well need to be more assertive and not take it the way you have in the past.

If couple counselling would be an option here is a link that you can check out (although, based on his pride and ego, I'm unsure heat he would consider it.):

Relationship Based Counselling: http://www.theaca.net.au/national_register.php

The Australian Counselling Association (ACA) is a National association of counsellors and psychotherapists with over 3000 individual members, here's their web link if you were interested in some individual support for yourself: http://www.relationships.org.au/what-we-do/services/counselling

Moving back to you and how to help you, you sound almost lonely out in Australia too, so perhaps this is your opportunity to rethink what your needs are and what you could be doing while you are there, after all it is now meant to be home?

I get the impression that you've given up a lot to be with him, but he seems to take this and is using it against you. You will need to be stronger especially when your family are visiting you etc.. Find a way to switch off from the fact that he is having a kind of "tantrum" and give yourself a break, you deserve better than what you are currently receiving.
My best wishes to you. Please accept my answer if you feel my responses have been helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further.
Kind regards, Karin


Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi Customer,
Just touching base with you and wondering how you got on with my response. Did you make any final decisions or are you reflecting on things?
I hope all is well with you; you know where I am if you need further assistance or support, just put "Hi Karin.." at the start of any new questions and I will do my best to help you :)
Take care, Karin

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