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Ask Dr. L Your Own Question

Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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Dr. L, I think I cant change this to a chat format. Can

Resolved Question:

Dr. L,
I think I can't change this to a chat format.
Can you help?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hi,

Dr. L :

We are in chat!!!

Customer:

Hi!

Customer:

I am so glad!

Dr. L :

Congratulations on making this work!

Customer:

I feel so lonely... aside from the fact that I am completely alone

Dr. L :

Is it because you have not heard from him today and you are worried that he is angry at you?

Customer:

This is the first year I am completely alone during the new year

Dr. L :

Or are you lonely for other reasons?

Customer:

Yes, in part I am worried about him

Dr. L :

I'm sorry that you are alone.

Customer:

But my family could make it for the new year and my son is with his father

Dr. L :

Tell me why he has become so important to you that you are willing to risk your own happiness for him?

Customer:

What do you mean by risking my own happiness?

Dr. L :

I'm sure it's hard taking turns with your son...

Customer:

Yes

Customer:

How am I risking my own happiness?

Dr. L :

What I mean is that this man frightens you...he attempts to control you...you cannot count on him being calm rather you worry that he may explode ...that he might get angry and react badly.

Dr. L :

These things jeopardize YOUR happiness.

Customer:

True

Customer:

He is trying to convince me to buy a house

Dr. L :

You cannot count on him to be there for you...your relationship is a secret....he is not a "free" man to participate in a long-term relationship...

Dr. L :

Why? So that he can move in with you? So that you can provide him with a place to live?

Customer:

He says it is for my benefit, so I don't throw away money in rent

Dr. L :

How would buying a house benefit you and your son? That is what is primary here.

Dr. L :

That may be true...but I would not trust his opinion/advice. A financial planner would be a better source of advice.

Dr. L :

And...why does it matter where you live? He cannot commit to you!

Customer:

The first thing I thought is that in his past affair he "helped" the girl buy a car, and he is proud to say that at least he helped her

Customer:

I thought he was trying to ease his conciense (I don't know how to spell this word!)

Dr. L :

That is such a selfish statement from him...as if she was incapable of making her own decisions and needed him - THE MAN - to help her. Pathetic!

Dr. L :

conscience

Customer:

Now I am thinking he wants to control me

Dr. L :

Ease his conscience - do you mean that he was giving a rationale for using her ... for keeping her as a mistress?

Customer:

I thought so

Dr. L :

Yes...his motivation is not healthy here...HE wants this and HE wants that...what about what you want?

Customer:

Since he finally dumped her, he says that he helped her and made her life better

Dr. L :

Yes...that is what it sounds like...that he was trying to justify his using of her.

Customer:

So I thought that id what he was trying to do with me

Dr. L :

What a selfish way to put things...he is the big shot who rescued her from a horrible, terrible life??? Oh my...

Dr. L :

Is he making YOUR life better? Wouldn't you say that you have done very well on your own?

Customer:

The other thing I thought is that when I went to visit my family during Christmas, he asked if I would ever move back to that city

Dr. L :

Yes..you have been lonely and long to be in a loving relationship...but you have a great career, the admiration of those who work for you, you have a child that loves you.....

Dr. L :

Why do you think he asked you about moving?

Customer:

I was so happy that he feared that I was going to move back to another city because I used to live there

Customer:

I moved here a year ago

Customer:

So he asked if I would consider this city for permanent residence

Dr. L :

So he wants you here so that he can continue to use and manipulate you...

Customer:

maybe he thought that if I bought a house... yes

Customer:

Those are my thoughts

Customer:

Maybe I am wrong

Customer:

maybe is just that he wants to do something he considers good for me

Dr. L :

Yes...I can understand your thinking...and I think that these are important for you to consider...

Customer:

maybe you are right and he is thinking about moving in with me if his wife gets tired of him

Dr. L :

It would make sense that he wants you to buy a house and set up permanent residence here so that he can continue in an affair with you and continue to control you so that he can get whatever it is he wants...

Customer:

to be honest, I can believe almost anything about him

Customer:

And what is it that he wants

Customer:

to get hired

Dr. L :

He is not permanently living with his wife now...correct? And so moving in with you is something he could do regardless of whether he is with her or not...correct?

Customer:

He is living with his wife

Customer:

they have a house

Dr. L :

Oh...so you see him when he can sneak away from her?

Dr. L :

So at the end of the day he goes home to her?

Customer:

according to him, they live together but they have separate lives

Customer:

in the past he told me he was living alone

Dr. L :

That is easy for him to say...and it is the standard line that men say who have affairs.

Dr. L :

Yes..that is what I remembered that he was living alone.

Dr. L :

So how do you feel knowing that he owns a house with his wife and they do live together?

Customer:

this time he says he moved back because of financial issues

Customer:

I feel HORRIBLE

Customer:

His excuse is that they are paying it (meaning: his wife is paying for it) buy it's value has gone so low

Dr. L :

Honestly...if he didn't love her or want to be with her...he would NOT. He knows how to get what he wants!

Customer:

that they can't sell because they wouldn't be able to pay the bank

Customer:

But I did tell him, repeatedly: if all you want is an adventure, I am not the right woman

Dr. L :

I understand this...many people are "upside down" on their homes...it is common...but...he has choices and there are avenues to solve this.

Customer:

I care, I fall in love, I want a relationship, I don't want to be a mistress

Dr. L :

Yes...I do sympathize with you feeling horrible. Being a mistress is unfulfilling...

Customer:

And he said: "Do you think I am looking for an adventure? I know who you are"

Dr. L :

So...what keeps you in this relationship?

Customer:

I did not agree to be a mistress!

Dr. L :

Hmm....that is a strange statement...I know who you are...

Customer:

He swore he was not sharing with her, or being intimate with her

Dr. L :

And what does he say when you say that...that you did not agree to this?

Dr. L :

Baloney! Why is he with her then?

Customer:

I am telling you that I never agreed to be a mistress

Dr. L :

OKay...I understand.

Customer:

If I am a mistress, is because he lied to me

Customer:

He knows I would never agree to be his mistress

Dr. L :

Do you really, truly believe that he is living in the same house as his wife and that they have a totally separate life? That he is not intimate with her? That she has absolutely NO part of his life?

Customer:

No

Customer:

I don't

Customer:

I don't know if he is intimate with her

Dr. L :

But the fact remains that you are his mistress and the only way you can stop being his mistress is to walk away from him....or call his bluff. By that I mean to contact his wife and tell her of your relationship with her husband.

Customer:

I would never call his wife

Dr. L :

And...find out from her what is happening in that house.

Customer:

I prefer to walk away

Dr. L :

And why would you never call his wife?

Customer:

It would be humiliating

Dr. L :

I think this is important for you to think through...

Dr. L :

For who?

Customer:

For me

Dr. L :

Why?

Dr. L :

Why not for him? He is the cheat and liar...he is the one who is not keeping his marital vows.

Customer:

And I have been his accomplice... knowingly or not

Dr. L :

Women and men who think their partner is having an affair do this...they call the other person...they reveal what they know...they face the truth.

Customer:

And what would i gain?

Dr. L :

Yes...this is true that you have gone along with him knowing that he has a wife. And so you need to forgive yourself for this human error.

Customer:

What if he is lying to both of us? Which is what sounds like the tryth

Dr. L :

What you would gain is the truth.

Customer:

Do you think it is worth it?

Dr. L :

Yes..if he is lying to both of you...both of you will gain the truth of knowing that...and then each of you can make a decision as to your decision regarding him. Right now...both of you are in the dark. The only one who knows the truth is him...and he is NOT going to tell you the truth.

Customer:

Let's say that I call his wife and ask

Customer:

what if he is just using me?

Dr. L :

I don't know if it is worth it to call her...but it certainly is a way to get to the truth and to stop him in his tracks. Right now all you know is what he tells you ...and you know that he is only telling you what he wants you to hear..and nothing more.

Dr. L :

Then you will know that and can make a clear decision as to what you must do.

Customer:

what will he do if I catch him?

Dr. L :

Probably get very angry and indignant...perhaps try to lie his way out of it and say that she is lying or you are lying...

Customer:

but it can be a scandal

Customer:

at work

Dr. L :

He will likely give you lots of excuses and maybe even beg you to stay...

Customer:

after talking to his wife?

Dr. L :

I'm not sure about work...right now your affair is a secret...so I don't see how it would be known at work.

Customer:

What if he comes yelling to me?

Customer:

I always try to think about the worse case scenario

Dr. L :

Yes...he may try to say that she is crazy, that she can't be trusted, that she never tells the truth. And..he will not want to give you up because of how much he wants a job...and he sees you as the one who can make that happen.

Customer:

So basically, he is with me for the job

Dr. L :

I'm not sure he would dare do that at work. He might try yelling at you in private somewhere...but I don't think he would risk work.

Dr. L :

Don't you think that the job is his major motivation?

Customer:

No

Customer:

It doesn't feel that way

Dr. L :

What do you think is his major motivation in pursuing you and being with you?

Dr. L :

What does it feel like?

Customer:

I know he loves sex with me... not just sex, but sex with me in particular

Customer:

and I know you will probably laugh at this but it feels like he is getting to care about me more than he would like

Dr. L :

So...are you a sexual object for him? You fulfill his sexual needs?

Dr. L :

NO...I

Dr. L :

am not laughing...I understand what you are saying...that he is developing real feelings for you...

Customer:

But it may be that I am very naive

Dr. L :

and those real feelings may be conflictual...meaning that he does not want to get that close to you...but it is happening and he doesn't know how to stop it...

Customer:

i feel he wants to say "I love you" many times, but he refrains

Customer:

what you just described is how it feels

Dr. L :

Still...this does not mean that he will leave his wife so that he can develop an honest to goodness permanent relationship with you...or is that what you think may happen...that he will leave her for you?

Customer:

but I don't trust myself

Customer:

I think he will leave her when he is sure he has found someone that will take him

Dr. L :

But it is like I have said in the past...his definition of love is not the same as yours...for you it is about commitment and a long-term relationship...I'm not sure this is possible for him given the fact that he is with his wife.

Dr. L :

And why don't you trust yourself?

Customer:

Because I don't have much experience

Customer:

And I have been wrong many times

Dr. L :

I don't agree...you have no idea what kind of marriage they have...if it is good or bad or what.

Dr. L :

All you know is what he is telling you...you have only one side of the story.

Dr. L :

And you already know that he is not 100% honest.

Customer:

This is the first time I am in this situation and I think you are right

Customer:

He may be completely happy with his marriage

Customer:

and I may be his sexual object

Customer:

sometimes it does feel that way too

Dr. L :

There would be absolutely no reason for him to tell you that he has a happy marriage..or that he loves his wife...or anything negative. If he wants to have a mistress...he must paint the picture of an unhappy marriage.

Customer:

but, again, it also feels like he wants to keep it sexual... but his feelings are going another way

Dr. L :

And yes...if his motivation is about having sex...then he is putting you in the place of being someone who meets his needs...and that makes you an object.

Customer:

which doesn't mean he will do anything for me

Customer:

he is trying hard to keep it sexual only... and he may be successful, but he talks about "forever" and wanting me to think about him all the time

Dr. L :

And that would seem possible that because of the intimacy he is developing some other feelings...but his resistance in saying he loves you or in telling the truth about his marriage...says that he is conflicted and chooses to play it safe by keeping you at a distance.

Customer:

that is exactly what it feels like... he is conflicted and when he gets too close he either fights with me or doesn't call me, or tries to look for a character flaw in me

Dr. L :

His talking about forever is a way to keep you trapped...to have you believe in the possibility of a future together....he wants you to think about him all the time so you don't give up on him...and so you don't get interested in another man.

Customer:

remember the last fight we had when we broke up?

Dr. L :

Yes...he said awful things to you and acted as if he was the one who was breaking up with you...his ego was so big he couldn't let you "win"...

Customer:

he confessed he was angry because he wanted to be with me and I said no

Customer:

he confessed that he couldn't tell me, but that was the real reason

Dr. L :

And so you see...he wants to be the one in control...and when you thwart him he gets angry...

Dr. L :

He wants what he wants...

Dr. L :

This is about control!!

Customer:

So I am confusing "control" for "care"?

Dr. L :

Yes...I am afraid you are.

Dr. L :

You are misinterpreting...

Customer:

ok

Customer:

so he is not developing any feelings, he is just manipulating me

Dr. L :

In your way of seeing the world...you believe he is acting nicely, caring, and being honest.

Dr. L :

You think this because that is how you would act!

Dr. L :

But he is not you.

Customer:

That is exactly why I don't trust myself

Dr. L :

What I see over and over and over again is his attempts to control you and control his world.

Dr. L :

Well...he is a master manipulator.

Customer:

I tend to judge people through my own vision of the world

Dr. L :

And you are too nice, too kind, too caring to see through his manipulation.

Customer:

I am stupid

Dr. L :

Yes..and that is what we all do...

Dr. L :

NO you are not stupid...I would say that you are vulnerable and sometimes naieve.

Customer:

I am too old to be fooled this way

Dr. L :

You want to be loved. You want to be treated nicely.

Customer:

he must laugh thinking of me

Dr. L :

You were terribly hurt by our x-husband.

Dr. L :

I don't think he laughs...he might be smug though.

Customer:

what do you mean?

Dr. L :

He does see himself as a "ladies man" ...

Customer:

I don't think he's had a mistress since that one I told you

Customer:

I think he's been trying but has not been successful

Customer:

he is actually not good looking at all, he doesn't have a job or money

Dr. L :

Smug means that he believes he can get his way...arrogant is another word for this.

Customer:

it is hard these days to find someone like me that will settle for just love

Dr. L :

If he has been unsuccessful in finding a mistress and then found you...wow...he must feel that he hit the jackpot! And his ego must be huge.

Dr. L :

So..knowing that he is not that good looking, that he has no money, has no job...why are you interested in him? Why are you willing to sacrifice your happiness and future for him? What is it about him that allows you to continue with him?

Customer:

nothing

Dr. L :

Are you sure?

Customer:

I will confess something to you

Customer:

I would feel a little ashamed if the people at work would learn that I am going out with him

Dr. L :

And that is because....

Customer:

because he is married and he has nothing to offer

Customer:

people at work have me in great esteem

Customer:

they think I am attractive, smart, successful and classy

Customer:

I told a friend at work that I had been to the movies with him just once

Customer:

and she said I was crazy (and she doesn't know he is married)

Dr. L :

So...people at work do not have a high opinion of him...

Customer:

no

Dr. L :

And they would see you as having made a poor choice by being with him...

Customer:

yes

Customer:

even if he was single

Dr. L :

And like this friend...people would see you as crazy for being with someone like that...

Customer:

I really don't know what is going on with me!

Dr. L :

So clearly he is not a "great catch" ...and clearly he has nothing to offer you in terms of security...but what he does offer you is companionship and sexual pleasure.

Customer:

companionship

Dr. L :

And it is that escape from life and pressure and work that makes the companionship and sexual pleasure worth it.

Customer:

Everyone expects me to find prince charming

Dr. L :

Or is it worth it?

Dr. L :

And is that reasonable ... that you will find prince charming?

Customer:

I think you are right

Customer:

no

Customer:

I think I try to escape from all the pressures and responsibilities I have by being with someone... him, in this case

Dr. L :

Well...you may not find prince charming...but I do think you can find a man that you can love, that will love you, that will offer you a life filled with love and laughter.

Customer:

but deep down I know he is not the right guy for me... and it's not worth it

Customer:

I haven't found ANYONE!

Dr. L :

Yes...so we might say that you are also using him...that you are using him to get some of your needs met.

Dr. L :

But you also aren't LOOKING when you are with him!

Customer:

No, I can't, I don't have it in me

Dr. L :

He is tying up your time...which is why he wants you thinking about him all the time, why he texts and calls!

Customer:

I wish I could, though

Customer:

Do you think he feels this truth?

Dr. L :

If you would stop being with him you might find the energy and motivation to start dating!

Customer:

Do you think he can see through me?

Dr. L :

Perhaps...

Dr. L :

Yes...I think he believes he knows you better than you know yourself.

Customer:

He is always afraid that I will find another man

Dr. L :

As a master manipulator he is relying on his ability to persuade you into seeing him as the great love of your life and the only person for him.

Dr. L :

But that might just be another way of controlling you...by acting like he is afraid...

Customer:

he makes jokes about it

Dr. L :

and so you will reassure him that you are not looking, that you are not interested....

Dr. L :

do you see my point...

Dr. L :

This is another manipulation...

Customer:

why does he want to control me if he just wants me for a little while?

Dr. L :

Because he wants to have access to you as long as he wants...

Dr. L :

and he isn't sure how long that will be...

Dr. L :

It's a game!

Customer:

here is another truth: I don't see him as a great catch BUT if he loved me with all his heart, I would fight for him

Dr. L :

Why?

Customer:

because love is important for me

Customer:

if he loved me, I would tell everyone he is my choice, no matter what they thought

Customer:

the point is: he does not love me

Dr. L :

But this seems so one sided...you say if HE loves you...but what about what you feel?

Dr. L :

And yes...I think you are right...he doesn't love you in the way that you understand the word love.

Dr. L :

And he cannot offer you what you deserve...to be loved unconditionally.

Customer:

I get it

Customer:

do you think he chose me as a sexual object because I said yes

Customer:

I mean, do you think he would chose anyone else if he could?

Dr. L :

Yes...you allowed him into this aspect of your life...

Dr. L :

Yes...he would likely be intimate with anyone who was willing to have sex with him...

Customer:

great

Dr. L :

He isn't after love...he is after sex.

Dr. L :

Two different things.

Customer:

not for me

Dr. L :

Yes...that's true...for you intimacy is about love and vice versa.

Customer:

I guess there is nothing more left than close this chapter FOREVER

Customer:

we were together for less than a month, with vacations from both sides and many holidays

Customer:

do you think I should worry about anything at work or in my life because of this relationship?

Dr. L :

It would seem that what is best for you is to end this so that you can reclaim your life and find the love you deserve.

Customer:

Aside from hurt feelings and loneliness, do you think I should worry about anything else?

Dr. L :

I think this man is unpredictable. I think you can set some limits by telling him that he absolutely must keep this out of the office and that you want him to leave you completely alone. It would be more detrimental to him if he dragged this into the office than it would be for you...so maybe he will be smart about this.

Dr. L :

I don't think you should worry about anything here. You might consider individual therapy as a way to sort through your feelings and better understand why you allowed this man into your life.

Dr. L :

It might help to talk to some on a regular basis to process your feelings.

Dr. L :

Because you have such a good reputation at work...people are going to stand by you and support you if he were to do attempt to harm you at work.

Dr. L :

Remember he is the outsider..not you.

Customer:

What do you think he will do? What should I expect?

Dr. L :

The possibility is that he will be angry...like before...and saying unkind things to you...maybe accuse you of being unkind or cruel.

Customer:

I think I needed to be alone to sort this out without pressure

Dr. L :

You will need to be firm...perhaps saying that it isn't working...that you are unwilling to be a mistress and sex object...

Customer:

maybe that is why my family couldn't make it

Dr. L :

Yes...perhaps...

Customer:

I will just say that we want different things

Dr. L :

and this is your opportunity to do the thinking and processing you need to do...

Dr. L :

Yes...that is a good thought...and it is very true.

Dr. L :

He does want something different than you..and that difference is not something you are willing to live with.

Customer:

thank you Dr. L! You saved me!

Dr. L :

This will not be easy...

Dr. L :

But I know you can do it.

Customer:

why do you say it won't be easy

Customer:

?

Dr. L :

You save you! All I did was listen, ask questions to clarify your own thinking...and give you some help to process

Dr. L :

What I mean is that it will be hard to tell him that you want to end it.

Dr. L :

That was hard last time...and though it will be easier...it will still be an act of courage.

Customer:

he didn't call today at all

Dr. L :

He is trying to punish you...

Dr. L :

and control you...

Customer:

but I have you

Customer:

and even if you think you did nothing, you were my angel today

Customer:

i was desperate before we taked

Customer:

talked

Dr. L :

I am glad I could help you today!

Dr. L :

Sometimes we need another voice...

Customer:

i was crying, and felt guilty and ashamed

Customer:

I feel strong now

Customer:

he is not my master, he is an idiot

Dr. L :

Yes...you are the only one who should control you!

Dr. L :

And yes...you have strength...and only you can give that strength away...

Customer:

i hope this year I can find a real love

Customer:

I am so tired of being alone

Dr. L :

You must remember that...that you will not allow anyone to take your power and strength away!

Dr. L :

That is one good thing about this being a new year...it can be a new beginning...a new starting point for making better choices and for getting rid of those things that are not healthy for you..

Customer:

what I wish is a relationship that fulfills me emotionally

Dr. L :

Absolutely!

Customer:

Do you think this is a good start?

Dr. L :

Yes...I do think this is a good start.

Customer:

Thanks again!

Customer:

I will let you go now... you have been very patient

Dr. L :

It is time you let go of this piece of your life and focus on healthy choices!

Dr. L :

I will say good night!

Dr. L :

Please know that you can contact me any time!

Customer:

I will

Customer:

THANKS, XXXXX XXXXX!

Dr. L :

You are very welcome!

Dr. L :

Good night!

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Dr. L and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I haven't talked to him yet because he hasn't called, and I will not look for him... I actually never call him, i only text him if he has approached me first. Ironically, my behavior makes me a very comfortable person to hide.
I wish things were different... I almost can't believe he has absolutely no feelings for me. This is the part the is the hardest to understand.
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.
Hello,
I do understand how difficult this is...I agree that it's best not to look for him. I don't think he has NO feelings for you...I think it is a case of his feelings being very different than yours. And...what we don't know here is his real capacity to have feelings. Is he someone who just uses people? He's had at least one affair that you know of...what does that say about him? Certainly it suggests that he enjoys having multiple women in his life. But isn't that cruel to each of those women? Like you have said...you do not agree to be a mistress! Just as you are hurt by being put in the position of being a mistress...his wife must hurt as well knowing that her husband goes outside their marriage to fulfill himself. Perhaps she doesn't know about the affairs...and in that case the betrayal is even more damaging.

Perhaps it might be good to do something nice for yourself. Treat yourself to a good meal, go to a concert, have a facial or massage...do something that is about you and that will bring you some comfort. You mentioned that you have a friend at work...perhaps this friend would have time to accompany you somewhere.

I imagine that he is constantly on your mind. Please try to put those thoughts aside and focus on something pleasurable...like remembering a special time with your son, or with your family.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Dr. L,
He is not constantly ony mind, but i have this constant feeling of emptiness. That is what makes me think of him.
I wonder if I will be alright, if I will feel happy again.
The first time I broke with him i was terribly sad, and with time and your kind words I managed to feel "normal" again.
I think the fact that he kept looking for me helped me get over him, but when he dissapeared for any reason... I started wondering about him. That was the technique that best worked for him: creating a pattern of chasing me, and suddenly breaking it for a little bit. I wonder if it was planned or he simply didn't care that much.
I think the wife knows this guy has cheated... I think she at least suspects he can... But he told me he tried to hide it from her, but that some members of his family knew about the past mistress (his mother, his sister and someone else). He says he thinks she didn't know but that since she is a woman maybe she knows and won't tell him. He said that it wss very evident that he was with someone else.
All these stories led me to believe he is in a marriage without love, but habit... And convenience.
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.
Hello,
I think this man is uses people and that it is hard to know exactly what he is up to. The pattern of chasing and then disappearing is a way to keep you intrigued and wondering...it's as if the door never completely shuts and you are left to worry if he will show himself again...the sad thing is that it destroys your sense of peace and calm and makes it seem as if you are the reason he is disappearing...rather than that he is really playing a game and this is all about his own self-interest.

Please don't believe a word he says about his wife or marriage. If truly things were that bad between them and she suspected that he was having an affair or affairs...she would likely leave him. If his mother, sister or others knew of the affair why wouldn't they encourage him to leave her or her to leave him. It does not add up!!!

Even if he is in a marriage without love but habit and convenience...he is still making the choice each and every day to be in that marriage! Please don't be fooled into thinking that there is a reason for him to be with you. There is no reason for him to be having an affair...other than that he wants one. Blaming the wife or saying that there is no love there is just an excuse...and it is a poor one at that.

Your not wanting to be a mistress is reason enough for you to break this off. There need not be any other rationale. You deserve to be in a committment, loving relationship - one in which you are not the 3rd person!!!

The emptiness is grief. And...it will heal as it did in the past. I'm sorry you got entangled with this guy again.


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