We are in chat!!!
I am so glad!
Congratulations on making this work!
I feel so lonely... aside from the fact that I am completely alone
Is it because you have not heard from him today and you are worried that he is angry at you?
This is the first year I am completely alone during the new year
Or are you lonely for other reasons?
Yes, in part I am worried about him
I'm sorry that you are alone.
But my family could make it for the new year and my son is with his father
Tell me why he has become so important to you that you are willing to risk your own happiness for him?
What do you mean by risking my own happiness?
I'm sure it's hard taking turns with your son...
How am I risking my own happiness?
What I mean is that this man frightens you...he attempts to control you...you cannot count on him being calm rather you worry that he may explode ...that he might get angry and react badly.
These things jeopardize YOUR happiness.
He is trying to convince me to buy a house
You cannot count on him to be there for you...your relationship is a secret....he is not a "free" man to participate in a long-term relationship...
Why? So that he can move in with you? So that you can provide him with a place to live?
He says it is for my benefit, so I don't throw away money in rent
How would buying a house benefit you and your son? That is what is primary here.
That may be true...but I would not trust his opinion/advice. A financial planner would be a better source of advice.
And...why does it matter where you live? He cannot commit to you!
The first thing I thought is that in his past affair he "helped" the girl buy a car, and he is proud to say that at least he helped her
I thought he was trying to ease his conciense (I don't know how to spell this word!)
That is such a selfish statement from him...as if she was incapable of making her own decisions and needed him - THE MAN - to help her. Pathetic!
Now I am thinking he wants to control me
Ease his conscience - do you mean that he was giving a rationale for using her ... for keeping her as a mistress?
I thought so
Yes...his motivation is not healthy here...HE wants this and HE wants that...what about what you want?
Since he finally dumped her, he says that he helped her and made her life better
Yes...that is what it sounds like...that he was trying to justify his using of her.
So I thought that id what he was trying to do with me
What a selfish way to put things...he is the big shot who rescued her from a horrible, terrible life??? Oh my...
Is he making YOUR life better? Wouldn't you say that you have done very well on your own?
The other thing I thought is that when I went to visit my family during Christmas, he asked if I would ever move back to that city
Yes..you have been lonely and long to be in a loving relationship...but you have a great career, the admiration of those who work for you, you have a child that loves you.....
Why do you think he asked you about moving?
I was so happy that he feared that I was going to move back to another city because I used to live there
I moved here a year ago
So he asked if I would consider this city for permanent residence
So he wants you here so that he can continue to use and manipulate you...
maybe he thought that if I bought a house... yes
Those are my thoughts
Maybe I am wrong
maybe is just that he wants to do something he considers good for me
Yes...I can understand your thinking...and I think that these are important for you to consider...
maybe you are right and he is thinking about moving in with me if his wife gets tired of him
It would make sense that he wants you to buy a house and set up permanent residence here so that he can continue in an affair with you and continue to control you so that he can get whatever it is he wants...
to be honest, I can believe almost anything about him
And what is it that he wants
to get hired
He is not permanently living with his wife now...correct? And so moving in with you is something he could do regardless of whether he is with her or not...correct?
He is living with his wife
they have a house
Oh...so you see him when he can sneak away from her?
So at the end of the day he goes home to her?
according to him, they live together but they have separate lives
in the past he told me he was living alone
That is easy for him to say...and it is the standard line that men say who have affairs.
Yes..that is what I remembered that he was living alone.
So how do you feel knowing that he owns a house with his wife and they do live together?
this time he says he moved back because of financial issues
I feel HORRIBLE
His excuse is that they are paying it (meaning: his wife is paying for it) buy it's value has gone so low
Honestly...if he didn't love her or want to be with her...he would NOT. He knows how to get what he wants!
that they can't sell because they wouldn't be able to pay the bank
But I did tell him, repeatedly: if all you want is an adventure, I am not the right woman
I understand this...many people are "upside down" on their homes...it is common...but...he has choices and there are avenues to solve this.
I care, I fall in love, I want a relationship, I don't want to be a mistress
Yes...I do sympathize with you feeling horrible. Being a mistress is unfulfilling...
And he said: "Do you think I am looking for an adventure? I know who you are"
So...what keeps you in this relationship?
I did not agree to be a mistress!
Hmm....that is a strange statement...I know who you are...
He swore he was not sharing with her, or being intimate with her
And what does he say when you say that...that you did not agree to this?
Baloney! Why is he with her then?
I am telling you that I never agreed to be a mistress
If I am a mistress, is because he lied to me
He knows I would never agree to be his mistress
Do you really, truly believe that he is living in the same house as his wife and that they have a totally separate life? That he is not intimate with her? That she has absolutely NO part of his life?
I don't know if he is intimate with her
But the fact remains that you are his mistress and the only way you can stop being his mistress is to walk away from him....or call his bluff. By that I mean to contact his wife and tell her of your relationship with her husband.
I would never call his wife
And...find out from her what is happening in that house.
I prefer to walk away
And why would you never call his wife?
It would be humiliating
I think this is important for you to think through...
Why not for him? He is the cheat and liar...he is the one who is not keeping his marital vows.
And I have been his accomplice... knowingly or not
Women and men who think their partner is having an affair do this...they call the other person...they reveal what they know...they face the truth.
And what would i gain?
Yes...this is true that you have gone along with him knowing that he has a wife. And so you need to forgive yourself for this human error.
What if he is lying to both of us? Which is what sounds like the tryth
What you would gain is the truth.
Do you think it is worth it?
Yes..if he is lying to both of you...both of you will gain the truth of knowing that...and then each of you can make a decision as to your decision regarding him. Right now...both of you are in the dark. The only one who knows the truth is him...and he is NOT going to tell you the truth.
Let's say that I call his wife and ask
what if he is just using me?
I don't know if it is worth it to call her...but it certainly is a way to get to the truth and to stop him in his tracks. Right now all you know is what he tells you ...and you know that he is only telling you what he wants you to hear..and nothing more.
Then you will know that and can make a clear decision as to what you must do.
what will he do if I catch him?
Probably get very angry and indignant...perhaps try to lie his way out of it and say that she is lying or you are lying...
but it can be a scandal
He will likely give you lots of excuses and maybe even beg you to stay...
after talking to his wife?
I'm not sure about work...right now your affair is a secret...so I don't see how it would be known at work.
What if he comes yelling to me?
I always try to think about the worse case scenario
Yes...he may try to say that she is crazy, that she can't be trusted, that she never tells the truth. And..he will not want to give you up because of how much he wants a job...and he sees you as the one who can make that happen.
So basically, he is with me for the job
I'm not sure he would dare do that at work. He might try yelling at you in private somewhere...but I don't think he would risk work.
Don't you think that the job is his major motivation?
It doesn't feel that way
What do you think is his major motivation in pursuing you and being with you?
What does it feel like?
I know he loves sex with me... not just sex, but sex with me in particular
and I know you will probably laugh at this but it feels like he is getting to care about me more than he would like
So...are you a sexual object for him? You fulfill his sexual needs?
am not laughing...I understand what you are saying...that he is developing real feelings for you...
But it may be that I am very naive
and those real feelings may be conflictual...meaning that he does not want to get that close to you...but it is happening and he doesn't know how to stop it...
i feel he wants to say "I love you" many times, but he refrains
what you just described is how it feels
Still...this does not mean that he will leave his wife so that he can develop an honest to goodness permanent relationship with you...or is that what you think may happen...that he will leave her for you?
but I don't trust myself
I think he will leave her when he is sure he has found someone that will take him
But it is like I have said in the past...his definition of love is not the same as yours...for you it is about commitment and a long-term relationship...I'm not sure this is possible for him given the fact that he is with his wife.
And why don't you trust yourself?
Because I don't have much experience
And I have been wrong many times
I don't agree...you have no idea what kind of marriage they have...if it is good or bad or what.
All you know is what he is telling you...you have only one side of the story.
And you already know that he is not 100% honest.
This is the first time I am in this situation and I think you are right
He may be completely happy with his marriage
and I may be his sexual object
sometimes it does feel that way too
There would be absolutely no reason for him to tell you that he has a happy marriage..or that he loves his wife...or anything negative. If he wants to have a mistress...he must paint the picture of an unhappy marriage.
but, again, it also feels like he wants to keep it sexual... but his feelings are going another way
And yes...if his motivation is about having sex...then he is putting you in the place of being someone who meets his needs...and that makes you an object.
which doesn't mean he will do anything for me
he is trying hard to keep it sexual only... and he may be successful, but he talks about "forever" and wanting me to think about him all the time
And that would seem possible that because of the intimacy he is developing some other feelings...but his resistance in saying he loves you or in telling the truth about his marriage...says that he is conflicted and chooses to play it safe by keeping you at a distance.
that is exactly what it feels like... he is conflicted and when he gets too close he either fights with me or doesn't call me, or tries to look for a character flaw in me
His talking about forever is a way to keep you trapped...to have you believe in the possibility of a future together....he wants you to think about him all the time so you don't give up on him...and so you don't get interested in another man.
remember the last fight we had when we broke up?
Yes...he said awful things to you and acted as if he was the one who was breaking up with you...his ego was so big he couldn't let you "win"...
he confessed he was angry because he wanted to be with me and I said no
he confessed that he couldn't tell me, but that was the real reason
And so you see...he wants to be the one in control...and when you thwart him he gets angry...
He wants what he wants...
This is about control!!
So I am confusing "control" for "care"?
Yes...I am afraid you are.
You are misinterpreting...
so he is not developing any feelings, he is just manipulating me
In your way of seeing the world...you believe he is acting nicely, caring, and being honest.
You think this because that is how you would act!
But he is not you.
That is exactly why I don't trust myself
What I see over and over and over again is his attempts to control you and control his world.
Well...he is a master manipulator.
I tend to judge people through my own vision of the world
And you are too nice, too kind, too caring to see through his manipulation.
I am stupid
Yes..and that is what we all do...
NO you are not stupid...I would say that you are vulnerable and sometimes naieve.
I am too old to be fooled this way
You want to be loved. You want to be treated nicely.
he must laugh thinking of me
You were terribly hurt by our x-husband.
I don't think he laughs...he might be smug though.
what do you mean?
He does see himself as a "ladies man" ...
I don't think he's had a mistress since that one I told you
I think he's been trying but has not been successful
he is actually not good looking at all, he doesn't have a job or money
Smug means that he believes he can get his way...arrogant is another word for this.
it is hard these days to find someone like me that will settle for just love
If he has been unsuccessful in finding a mistress and then found you...wow...he must feel that he hit the jackpot! And his ego must be huge.
So..knowing that he is not that good looking, that he has no money, has no job...why are you interested in him? Why are you willing to sacrifice your happiness and future for him? What is it about him that allows you to continue with him?
Are you sure?
I will confess something to you
I would feel a little ashamed if the people at work would learn that I am going out with him
And that is because....
because he is married and he has nothing to offer
people at work have me in great esteem
they think I am attractive, smart, successful and classy
I told a friend at work that I had been to the movies with him just once
and she said I was crazy (and she doesn't know he is married)
So...people at work do not have a high opinion of him...
And they would see you as having made a poor choice by being with him...
even if he was single
And like this friend...people would see you as crazy for being with someone like that...
I really don't know what is going on with me!
So clearly he is not a "great catch" ...and clearly he has nothing to offer you in terms of security...but what he does offer you is companionship and sexual pleasure.
And it is that escape from life and pressure and work that makes the companionship and sexual pleasure worth it.
Everyone expects me to find prince charming
Or is it worth it?
And is that reasonable ... that you will find prince charming?
I think you are right
I think I try to escape from all the pressures and responsibilities I have by being with someone... him, in this case
Well...you may not find prince charming...but I do think you can find a man that you can love, that will love you, that will offer you a life filled with love and laughter.
but deep down I know he is not the right guy for me... and it's not worth it
I haven't found ANYONE!
Yes...so we might say that you are also using him...that you are using him to get some of your needs met.
But you also aren't LOOKING when you are with him!
No, I can't, I don't have it in me
He is tying up your time...which is why he wants you thinking about him all the time, why he texts and calls!
I wish I could, though
Do you think he feels this truth?
If you would stop being with him you might find the energy and motivation to start dating!
Do you think he can see through me?
Yes...I think he believes he knows you better than you know yourself.
He is always afraid that I will find another man
As a master manipulator he is relying on his ability to persuade you into seeing him as the great love of your life and the only person for him.
But that might just be another way of controlling you...by acting like he is afraid...
he makes jokes about it
and so you will reassure him that you are not looking, that you are not interested....
do you see my point...
This is another manipulation...
why does he want to control me if he just wants me for a little while?
Because he wants to have access to you as long as he wants...
and he isn't sure how long that will be...
It's a game!
here is another truth: I don't see him as a great catch BUT if he loved me with all his heart, I would fight for him
because love is important for me
if he loved me, I would tell everyone he is my choice, no matter what they thought
the point is: he does not love me
But this seems so one sided...you say if HE loves you...but what about what you feel?
And yes...I think you are right...he doesn't love you in the way that you understand the word love.
And he cannot offer you what you deserve...to be loved unconditionally.
I get it
do you think he chose me as a sexual object because I said yes
I mean, do you think he would chose anyone else if he could?
Yes...you allowed him into this aspect of your life...
Yes...he would likely be intimate with anyone who was willing to have sex with him...
He isn't after love...he is after sex.
Two different things.
not for me
Yes...that's true...for you intimacy is about love and vice versa.
I guess there is nothing more left than close this chapter FOREVER
we were together for less than a month, with vacations from both sides and many holidays
do you think I should worry about anything at work or in my life because of this relationship?
It would seem that what is best for you is to end this so that you can reclaim your life and find the love you deserve.
Aside from hurt feelings and loneliness, do you think I should worry about anything else?
I think this man is unpredictable. I think you can set some limits by telling him that he absolutely must keep this out of the office and that you want him to leave you completely alone. It would be more detrimental to him if he dragged this into the office than it would be for you...so maybe he will be smart about this.
I don't think you should worry about anything here. You might consider individual therapy as a way to sort through your feelings and better understand why you allowed this man into your life.
It might help to talk to some on a regular basis to process your feelings.
Because you have such a good reputation at work...people are going to stand by you and support you if he were to do attempt to harm you at work.
Remember he is the outsider..not you.
What do you think he will do? What should I expect?
The possibility is that he will be angry...like before...and saying unkind things to you...maybe accuse you of being unkind or cruel.
I think I needed to be alone to sort this out without pressure
You will need to be firm...perhaps saying that it isn't working...that you are unwilling to be a mistress and sex object...
maybe that is why my family couldn't make it
I will just say that we want different things
and this is your opportunity to do the thinking and processing you need to do...
Yes...that is a good thought...and it is very true.
He does want something different than you..and that difference is not something you are willing to live with.
thank you Dr. L! You saved me!
This will not be easy...
But I know you can do it.
why do you say it won't be easy
You save you! All I did was listen, ask questions to clarify your own thinking...and give you some help to process
What I mean is that it will be hard to tell him that you want to end it.
That was hard last time...and though it will be easier...it will still be an act of courage.
he didn't call today at all
He is trying to punish you...
and control you...
but I have you
and even if you think you did nothing, you were my angel today
i was desperate before we taked
I am glad I could help you today!
Sometimes we need another voice...
i was crying, and felt guilty and ashamed
I feel strong now
he is not my master, he is an idiot
Yes...you are the only one who should control you!
And yes...you have strength...and only you can give that strength away...
i hope this year I can find a real love
I am so tired of being alone
You must remember that...that you will not allow anyone to take your power and strength away!
That is one good thing about this being a new year...it can be a new beginning...a new starting point for making better choices and for getting rid of those things that are not healthy for you..
what I wish is a relationship that fulfills me emotionally
Do you think this is a good start?
Yes...I do think this is a good start.
I will let you go now... you have been very patient
It is time you let go of this piece of your life and focus on healthy choices!
I will say good night!
Please know that you can contact me any time!
THANKS, XXXXX XXXXX!
You are very welcome!