I would like to help. Please allow me some time to read your question.
Sure, take your time, and thank you
Thanks for your patience.
sure, let me know if you have any further questions as I tried to sum up our relationship in a quick nutshell
i do want to add that when we lived together our 1st to even the 2nd year, things were good. we were still very into each other and our relationship was very real. But from then on i think it just started drifting apart
Thanks for giving a lot of history. Sometimes in relationships things do get a little routine. Relationships do take a lot of work to keep that spark alive. You admit that you were not happy, but wanted to fix the problem. Just think what if it could not be fixed then you would have stood unhappy. That may have not been the best situation for you since you were not happy how things became. I understand that you wanted to work things out, but I believe when we are rejected it makes it all that much harder than if you both tried and it just didnt work out.. It seems to me she may have started this relationship not thinking too much about the future. She may have had an interested in you and was a very good relationship, but she was infactuated and now coming down off the bubble may have realized she wants a man. Her feelings could have been supreseed and that could have been what caused all of the changes in your relationship. She may very well be confused about her sexuality and her interest in this male could be typical of thay when one goes to another rather than working things out with their current partner. It seems to me she may not have been ready for such a serious relationship. She was very confused because her reaction to your being unhappy was to get married, but at the same time had interest in male. You have every righ
right to feel hurt as you do.
This was unfair to you and is not in line with what she says.
It is difficult to say exactly what she feels and why she is doing this, but I highly
doubt that it is because the past 3 years meant nothing. That was real regardless, but this does not seem to me an issue of her choosing a male over a female. It
seems more to me what any couple can go through. She can very well be attracted to either sex and instead of working things out she allowed herself to fall for someone else and now this is causing her to become confused over her sexuality.
Even though it seems like you will not get over her you really will.
I see what you're saying
you provided really good insights
do you think what she is doing is more like rebounding to numb the pain?
she told me that she will respect my wishes in not talking again, however that's not what she wants
Time is what will truly heal you. I do not blame you for not wanting to sit around and wait. Her wanting that is showing ahe is not being considerate of your feelings.
and that she will never consider me out of her life and that i will forever be a part of her
and i'm her best friend and was her first real relationsihp
Staying active and busy even though will not be a quick fix it can help you to cope during this difficult time and deal with the pain.
It really doesnt seem like rebounding since she mentioned this male before at the same time she mentioned marriage.
So it is a bit confusing what she says and does.
Would you be able to handle being her friend?
well we actually never really seriously talked about marriage
it was just something we knew would be the next step
but yes a month before we broke up, was when she told me about her questioning her sexuality and about this guy
one more thing to add, when we first started dating, she was the one that initiated everything from flirting with me, kissing me, sleeping with me and even moving in together
i guess that is part of the infatuation?
It could have been difficult for her to face her parents, so this could be what brought her in this direction since she knew marriage is what was next in line.
our relationship was very real though, like a normal couple
yeah i agree with that
and i guess she never had the chance to really think about it until now especially with all these feelings she has for this guy
i don't know if i can be friends with her right now
i'm just hurt by what she's doing
lying to me
making it seem like our relationship wasn't anything real based on her telling me i should assume she's gay
i mean straight*
I understand, but
she did say that she was a different person before she met me
and that she changed to form into our relationship
but now realizes she misses who she used to be
or i should say, realizes who she was before she met me is really who she is
regardless of her sexuality your relationship was real. It is kind of like someone with an older man and it is great then realizes it may not be best cause the person is too old. It does not mean it was not real. I believe she loved you, but may not be able to deal with everything that woukd be next and what comes along with being in a gay relationship. Justas when
people have babies. They usually do not think about the consequences until after the fact.
yeah i see what you mean
but i feel like sexuality is a little bit different though
like is she gay but is too scared to deal with the consequences and the next step?
and that she's just running away from it?
or did she just all of a sudden realize she's not who we both thought she was
I understand . It is different, but similar in ways to. I would not say it was not real.
If she feel she has changed and misses herself.
That I do see even in heterosexual couples. People change in many ways for another than discover later they changed for the other and not themselves, but I do understand how sexuality woukd be different. I do think she
was not ready to handle the consequences.
do you think it's rational for me to initiate no contact with her
nor even want to see her
or live in the apt. with her?
i just feel if i were to see her, it'd be too painful
especially if i see signs that she has already moved on
and is already excited about this relationship she is having with this guy
She coukd be attracted to both men and women, so decided to take the easier route especially since you were not happy. Maybe she took the opportunity instead of working things out further.
yeah, well this guy has always had a thing for her
and i actually knew that it was him that she was attracted to
i just sensed something
and he is the only straight guy she knows
so i'm not sure if that was also just a window of opportunity for her
I think your idea of no contact is really a great way to deal with the pain.
I do not think you are wrong with this at all.
That is a very good idea if you are financially able to due to the apt situation.
but i now put myself in a predicament with the living situation
where i'm literally hopping couch to couch between my friends and my parent's house
i just don't know how i can do this for 7.5 months
i feel like i'm suffering more than her b/c of this
and it's really stressful
Then when you are ready you can decide if you could be friends in the future or not. She may even come around back to you one day and if she does it would be up to you if you wanted to reevaluate your situation and get back together or continue on the path you were.
yeah i know that is very possible and i want it to be the case but at the same time, i'm trying to tell myself not to be too hopeful
or it'll just hurt me even more
Would you be able to find a roomate to replace you on the lease?
that's a good question
so we live in a one bedroom apartment
or woukd she be interested in moving out and you staying with a roomate. Just an idea
however we had a pseudo guest bedroom where we just simply sectioned off our living room with a bookcase and a chair to be the 2nd bedroom
the living room is big enough to enable us to do that
and i'm living in that "room"
Even if financially you are unable. Maybe you can sleep there, but spend most of your time out.
so i feel if i were to try to sublet it (even if the landlord allows me), it'd be hard to find someone who would be fine in doing that
yeah, i tried doing that when we initially broke up
but it would just drive me crazy when one night she wouldn't come back to the apt.
the only thing i would immediately assume is her sleeping over that guy's place
she did that to me before and lied saying she was staying at a friend's apt.
Maybe the landlord would agree if you both move out, but find another renter in the place of your lease all together.It woukd not hurt to
talk about that with the landlord.
the problem is if we were to move out, we'd essentially break out lease and we wouldn't get our security back which is a lot of money we put down
but it is worth giving it a try
she wouldn't be able to afford finding a new place though
i would be able to but she wouldn't
she doesn't want me to even move out even at the moment
which i think is a little selfish
esp. knowing what i'm going through
maybe the landlord would accept if the new tenants put a new security
yeah, it's just a really strict building we live in
which is completely not ideal right now
in our situation
i'm fine with not living there and paying rent at the same time until the lease ends
i will try to figure something out
can i ask another thing?
the fact that she kept on lying about seeing this guy
and saying she's wants to focus on herself
what do you think of that
i just don't understand why she wouldn't tell me the truth, especially when i told her i knew
about them seeing eachother
i get that she doesn't want to hurt me
but we already broke up and i'm already hurting tremendously. like why can't you just be honest
I think either she could
when we broke up, i persistently said i just know you and that him are going to keep seeing each other
and she would keep saying that he was not the big issue in this whole thing
and kept saying she has no plans to date anyone
be confused herself and being as honest as she can or not want to hurt you. However, to me it seems like it is not as if she is lying, but I think she may be confused due to the whole situation and trying to find out who she really is, so her finding herself could very well be true. But she is seeing this guy at the same time, which may be bad judgement at the moment since she may need space alone to do that. However, to her she may believe by seeing this guy wilk help in her figuring herself out. I have seen people think by seeing someone else it helps for them to make a decision. Even though I do not agree with that and believe the issue needs to be dealt with alone or with the specific partner. Not everyone feels the same.
especially just getting out of a long term relationship
i guess that may be why she is doing this so quickly thinking she can get a quick answer or revelation
He is probably not issue. The issue is within her. She is confused, but seeing him at the same time.
in hopes it'll help ease her confusion
i see what you're saying
do you know if there is an easy way for me to get over her?
i feel the worst part is moving on for me
and again, idk why i'm feeling like such a victim right now since i thought about us breaking up when i told her i was unhappy
i feel a part of why i'm so upset is b/c i feel my ego has been shattered completely
Yes I think that is what she is doing. Trying to find herself. I woukd just continue doing what you are doing. Try focusing on thing you havent had time to do for yourself. Maybe take up a new hobby, volunteering is a good way to help others and take your mind off of it. Even your local library may have some free programs. Time will heal. I know it may seem you will never heal, but you sure will. I promise you will. Reading is great, some healthy activities. Think about yourself right now and how you can take care of you to better yourself. The just think you will be even better if she comes back and if she doesnt you will be all the more better for a new relationship and more importantly for yourself. Staying positive and thinking positive is important to not get depressed. Take it day by day.
yeah i'm trying to stay as positive as i can
it just doesn't help when all i can think about is her and the guy
in the worst possible way
but you're right i need to figure out ways to get my mind off things
i just loved her a lot you know?
its hard to just now consider her out of my life
i think its worst on the fact that it's a guy
if it was another women, it would be less painful
b/c with a guy, it's something i can't even compare or compete with
not that i would want to compete with him
but that's what my mind is thinking
I agree ego has a lot to do with it. Think how you were unhappy anyway. What if the both of you were not able to fix it you may have decided not to stay, but since it happened the way it did you end up wanting it more and remembering all the good things. Try and focus on the reality of where it was heading and how you were feeling instead of the fact she is seeing someone else
I do understand how it could make it worse since its a guy.
It is not going to easy. You loved her a lot so it will hurt. It is okay to feel that pain and evenlet it out sometimes if you need but just remember days will get easier
yup you're totally correct
i'm focused too much on the fact that she is already seeing someone else
and i keep forgetting how unhappy i was
i will take it one day at a time
however and wherever that may be
you've been very helpful jen
i'm grateful for getting immediate feedback on this
i just started seeing a therapist and i feel like b/c it's a more gradual experience
i'm not getting advice as fast as i want to
can i ask one last question?
i swear it's my last as I don't want to hold up your time
It was really my pleasure and theraphy too will help you cope. If you ever come back please request me I would be more than happy to help and be there for you. Remember when you feel down think of the reality of how you felt and not about the other guy just as you said. That is a big factor. I wish you welk and you will get through this.
i know you said to not focus so much on the guy
but a few things about him that i wanted your thoughts on
he actually is a hipster type of dude, who my ex is typically against
does drugs here and there
which my ex is strongly against
do you think it's odd that she would still pursue him despite all these factors
i don't do drugs at all
but i remember she found out that some of my friends do, and became so against them
not wanting to hang out with them
i just feel it's a bit hypocritical that she's seeing this guy who does it himself
i got angry too when she told me she didn't like some of my friends
bc of that, even though i do not do it myself
there are just these little things that are kinda opposite of what she would go for
It is strange that she went for him since it is against what she believes in. Could be a matter of what was available at the time. Especially did not even want to hang out with your friends. It may not last if that is the case unless she is so confused about herself and taking a different route. She could think she can change him. I think this could be part of her finding herself and confusion, but I do think it is ironice.
yeah that's another reason why i'm bitter and angry
but i get why, he's really the only "cool" straight man she knows
since all of her other friends are gay or are straight and are already in relationships
or, she probably hasn't even thought about it yet
since it's so early stages
Try not to take it personal. Realize these are her issues and not meant to hurt you directly. Seems like she is going through a phase in her life in finding herself.
so i guess time would really tell
yeah she is very confused
Yes thats right
it's best that i remove myself during that process
and focus on myself
that's all i had :)
i really appreciate your time
and your help on this
i think your advice is the most honest and insightful i've ever gotten from anyone
I do appreciate your kind words and very happy I could help. Anytime I am here if you need. It has been my pleasure.
have a great night/day Jen!
Need your quick advice. She contacted me wanting to talk about the living situation in person but at this point in time I do not want any sort of communication with her whatsoever. I understand she may feel bad making me pay for rent when i'm not really living there anymore and wants to talk about it to try to figure out a solution/compromise but I'm fine and better off emotionally if I continue doing what I'm doing right now. Me being back at the apartment at all, even with her there will just make things too stressful for me. Am I being too stubborn? Or do you think it's normal and okay for me to not want to talk to her about it?
I'm doing a lot better, and I'm honestly thinking about her less and less and it's feeling quite good. Don't get me wrong, i still think about her though. But being away and with my friends that are there to support me really is helping a lot. It was a text message that she sent when she contacted me about the situation but I was thinking about just replying to her via email and telling her this is how I would like for us to communicate moving forward and then letting her know how i really feel (but in a non-negative way). Either that or leaving a written note to her as she is going to be away for a few days and I will be back there until she comes back again.
No worries on the delay. I just feel her texting me is unnecessary at this point and goes against my request to not contact me moving forward; i just feel it's too personal at the stage we're at now. I mean maybe I'm thinking about it too much. But i feel if it's about little things about the apt, you can just send me an email and we can talk about it then. I do not want to talk to her in person and have no plans on it so i feel if it's something that she wants to talk about, it can be via email. Am i being too irrational?