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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5457
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Josie-Mod replied 1 year ago.
Hi, I am a Moderator for this topic. I sent your requested Professional a message to follow up with you here, when she is back online. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hey, talk to you soon :)
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Kate,


the day has passed quickly, I struggle to remember this morning, where was I? I don't remember, but I know I did some thinking and researching. It occurred to me as I walked the dogs retracing my steps of yesterday that D was harassing me coming to the field as he did for no other reason than to check up on me and Mark, and talk to me, and I did some reading around harassment and that led to stalking. He is definitely harassing me, and not far off stalking me. I tried to email Ziggy but her email bounced it back saying she wasn't about. I hope she's OK, she's been off sick since well before Christmas. I emailed the office to ask who I could talk to instead but got no reply today, and nothing from Mark the lawyer either.


I wanted to ask Ziggy if she thought it a good idea to inform the police, but as I couldn't discuss it I phoned the non emergency police line this evening and began to try to tell them about it, but couldn't quite cope. I asked if I could email them what I wanted to say, so I adapted my email to Ziggy for them, including a para from a letter from Mark to D about not attending this property, and not discussing matters with me. I wanted reassurance too that it was OK to tell them this sort of thing, and I had a reply a little later from the officer I spoke with on the phone.


She said I must report these incidences, and that they are recorded and taken very seriously and that it has been passed on to the DAU. She told me that I will be contacted about the reported incident and will be informed before decisions are made about what, if any, action needs to be taken. I asked them not to take any action bc I didn't want him to know I'd reported him.


She said if he tried to attend again to not enter into conversation with him and to call 999 straight away if he refuses to leave or is being difficult or abusive. So I have been reassured and I'm glad I have their email now too.


I had a good work time with Kitty this afternoon, got lots done but time flew by, I don't like leaving things undone, but I only have a short work time. Maybe they need to give me more hours!


Chiropractor in the morning, Poppy's having her hair cut, her last day of the holidays. Are your kids back to school yet?


Goodnight Kate.....


Hilary Rosexx


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

How awful for you to have to go through that with Dave. It sounds like Dave just won't let go and that having the Barn is not enough. He sounds like must have contact with you in some form or another. He seems to not be able to let go of trying to control you even though you have left him and are not living together anymore.

It is good that you went ahead and contacted the police. They need to be aware of his behavior so you have a record of his actions. That will make it much easier to report him in the future. And it may also make it easier to get him out of the Barn and away from you. Maybe Mark will have some insight into how Dave's behavior can be used to get him further away and possibly out of your life (except for contact over the kids).

I'm glad things are going well for you at work and you are enjoying being busy. It does make it seem like the day flies, doesn't it? And maybe Kitty will give you more hours. That would be nice for you. It helps to be around caring and kind people. You deserve more of that in your life.

Is Poppy changing her hair style or just getting a trim? My kids are already back to school, since yesterday. A lot of complaining (they got lazy over the holidays!) but today they seem back in the swing of things.

Sleep well, dear Hilary Rose. I hope you have sweet dreams :)

Katexx

Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5457
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Kate,


thank you. I don't know where yesterday went, all of a sudden it was midnight! No, I do remember yesterday. I had a call first thing from the police station asking if they could come to see me to talk about the incident. I said not at my home with D next door, I didn't want him asking questions. I agreed to go to the police station this morning.


I saw Kate my chiropractor yesterday morning, she was very encouraging that I am on the mend compared to when I saw her a year before when she said I was struggling badly. It was good to see her after the holiday period, good to have a hug with a few tears.


I spent the day worrying about where Poppy and I would live in 3 months time and searched the internet and local paper for houses to rent in the valley, this village and the neighbouring village. There were a couple for let but the rent is a lot. I registered with a couple of estate agents and requested some details online. My head was spinning not knowing what to think, wishing I could talk to Ziggy but still no response from my email, or lawyer Mark, again no word. I will have to try again on Monday. Today I called in to an estate agent in town to ask about one particular property, which is being viewed today, so likely gone. I asked if the rent included the rates and it doesn't, so all bills will be on top. If I rent from an agent I will need to prove my income, or have a guarantor, and put down a deposit. I was thinking that it's unfair that I would pay so much for a house big enough for 3 of us and D would only need a 1 bed for himself. I wondered if the court would ask him to pay half.... so many thoughts, I just need to talk to Mark. I am beginning to thin k that the only way for it to work is for D to be ousted and we take the barn back, I am willing to offer him rent for my part but I know I wouldn't get anything from him. I know now that nothing will be sorted in mediation and it will have top go to court, but I hope it can be done in time otherwise I will have to find somewhere temporarily, which will be possible I'm sure.


I went out last night *(really didn't want to) with the twins and my sister in law to one of the pubs in the neighbouring village, where D has taken to going since his pub has gone bust. I was scared to go there not knowing whether he would be there or not. Gladly the twins were wiating outside for me, couldn't have gone in on my own. It was very hard though bc there were several of D's drinking buddies in there from the other pub and I felt they were all eyes on me, or not- one in particular- Sam's best friend's dad who I've known for many years, just pretended that I wasn't there and I felt hurt. I thought how can I begin to go out again if I'm going to be feeling, or thinking, that everyone is looking or ignoring. I want to be someplace that no-one knows me for a fresh start. I wanted to go home, especially as my brother came along as well, and he almost refused to sit next to me (well, he had a chair between us). He was very awkward with me, but was kind and tried hard to communicate which I was glad about. I told him and his wife about the latest episode with D and that I'd been looking for somewhere to rent. They said that I should have the barn bc of the proximity to my parents and even said they had a caravan D could live in! I said best not go there, let him sort himself out.


I was anxious to get home (Poppy was out) bc I had to be up early and in town for an appointment at the police station. Did I tell you they wanted to come here? I said I'd rather not have a home visit. I was rather nervous booking in to the police station, it's a horrible place, cold and dismal, corridors, unwelcoming. I told my police officer it was creepy- she said yes it's not very nice!


I was disappointed that she knew nothing about the incident which meant I had to start from scratch, which of course I couldn't do, but I had my netbook with me so got up my emails from the other night. She read mine, then the police reply, then reinforced what I had been told. She told me that she had been a victim of domestic abuse, fueled by alcohol, so she could offer knowing support. She completed another risk assessment, and told me again not to hesitate to call if I felt the need.


I'm really glad the holiday is over and things will be normalising this week. I've spent too long in limbo and now I need to get on with things so that I can settle. D will settle too if only he would accept it and let it happen. Poppy has siad she is OK going back to the Barn for the Feb half term, but only if nothing else can be sorted, but she was worried about me. I suggested that we might go away for a few days, she liked that idea, or I was thinking maybe I could ask another holiday let owner (who has his property available for long term let right now, but far too much rent) if he still has it available come Feb then maybe we could stay there for the week. It will be OK what ever happens, I feel better about it this weekend than last.


Anyway time to get to bed. Poppy out again. She said she'll be home with me every evening once school starts again. I guess she will.


Goodnight Kate, got so late last night I forgot to post :)


Hilary Rosexx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

It's nice to hear from you. I understand that you were busy and it is ok if you cannot post. I have those kinds of nights as well, sometimes far too often for my taste!

I'm so glad you got a chance to go to the police station (as unpleasant of a place that it is!) and filed a report. I was thinking that a few years ago, you would not have even considered protecting yourself in such a way. You have really done well for yourself.

In a way, Dave is still controlling your life putting you through trying to find a place to live. You are in this situation because of Dave and not that you want revenge, but he needs to deal with the consequences of his actions by looking for a place for himself. Your parents gave you the Barn so it is yours and you need it for the family. Dave only has to worry about himself so it is much easier for him to find a bed and hot plate than it is for you to find a place for you and Poppy and potentially Sam if he needs it.

I hope Mark and Ziggy are in touch soon. You need some support around this situation.

It's good you had a chance to go out with your family. It may not be that comfortable around those who know you in society but you did nothing wrong, no matter how Dave portrays it to others. If they choose to be so closed minded as to believe him without knowing your side, then their opinion doesn't matter anyway. Tell yourself that you are in the right and hold your head up. You did nothing wrong.

Sleep well, Hilary Rose.

Katexx
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5457
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hey Kate


how are you? Thank you for your post, I hate missing a day, but I know you'll still be there the next! :) My day has been OK. i had to visit my parents this morning, they don't like it if I don't see them for updates. At least I can be totally honest with them now, I have become much braver and can tell them as it is.


I have been thinking about our housing situation and have 2 schools of thought which I have put to lawyer Mark.......


'1) Dave stays in the Barn but pays half my rent, I don’t know if that is a possibility (not my preferred thought)

2) I know D won’t leave unless he is forced to, I know it will be ugly. (not happy with that thought either!) But he could rent a property with one or two bedrooms at a lesser rent. If we can make him leave I would be happy to pay half his rent, it seems only fair. My parents are prepared to negotiate storage of his work related gear at their field where he already has a lot of stuff. They don’t want his junk but would put up with his things if he keeps it tidy and mends the ‘site hut’ which he has allowed to become dilapidated, but could be made secure and weather proof if he can be bothered.

I would like to try to obtain the Mesher Order if we can, that way I might be in a position to buy him out, or him me, within the next 4 years, therefore not losing it altogether.

As you know I have to be completely out of the cottage by Easter weekend. I have been worried about half term but Poppy has had many offers of overnights at friends so she is fine. I will probably be with my parents, which isn’t fine but I’ll just have to bear!'

i hope he gets back to me quickly so that I can further my thoughts
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hey Kate

I have somehow duplicated this post, with a bit extra at the beginning and at the end... I accidently sent before I was ready then backspaced... you know how these things go!!

how are you? Thank you for your post, I hate missing a day, but I know you'll still be there the next! :) My day has been OK. i had to visit my parents this morning, they don't like it if I don't see them for updates. At least I can be totally honest with them now, I have become much braver and can tell them as it is.

I have been thinking about our housing situation and have 2 schools of thought which I have put to lawyer Mark.......

'There are a few houses around but I cannot afford anything and would unlikely be accepted by a letting agent bc of my low income. I could of course use my savings and I was quite prepared to, but it would be gone in a flash with the rates and bills on top of rent. I have been looking for a 3 bed home, minimum £650.

1) Dave stays in the Barn but pays half my rent, I don’t know if that is a possibility (not my preferred thought)
2) I know D won’t leave unless he is forced to, I know it will be ugly. (not happy with that thought either!) But he could rent a property with one or two bedrooms at a lesser rent. If we can make him leave I would be happy to pay half his rent, it seems only fair. My parents are prepared to negotiate storage of his work related gear at their field where he already has a lot of stuff. They don’t want his junk but would put up with his things if he keeps it tidy and mends the ‘site hut’ which he has allowed to become dilapidated, but could be made secure and weather proof if he can be bothered.
I would like to try to obtain the Mesher Order if we can, that way I might be in a position to buy him out, or him me, within the next 4 years, therefore not losing it altogether.
As you know I have to be completely out of the cottage by Easter weekend. I have been worried about half term but Poppy has had many offers of overnights at friends so she is fine. I will probably be with my parents, which isn’t fine but I’ll just have to bear!'
i hope he gets back to me quickly so that I can further my thoughts and make some real plans. I wonder if he's been in touch with his solicitor.
Back to work tomorrow. I must get a good night tonight, last night I tried without my sedation and felt like I spent the whole night in a bad dream on the edge of sleep. It wasn't a dream about D, I don't know what it was about to be honest, but I know I was in a lot of pain this morning and I had many looks at the clock throughout the night.
Goodnight Kate, talk tomorrow....
Hilary Rosexx
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

It sounds like you have thought out all the possibilities there is for dealing with this issue. The main thing is that you are protected from being taken advantage of by Dave. And if he stays in the Barn, it allows him to do just that. You end up paying for his abuse by having to scramble and come up with enough money to pay for a place to stay. Plus the Barn is from your family, so Dave being there and claiming rights to it is just another way for him to use you in order to support himself.

He may not be willing to go easily, I agree. But again, just being resistant to moving out when the decent thing would have been to leave immediately should not buy him a pass to stay. He can make this as difficult as he likes but emotionally, morally and financially he has no right to claim the Barn as his own. Getting him out of there is one last step in claiming back some of what he has taken from you all these years.

Emotionally, that is not easy to face, I know. And the support you have around you can help. For your own peace of mind and help in getting away from Dave's power over you from the abuse, getting him out can go a long way.

I hope you sleep better tonight. A bad night's sleep can set things off and make it hard to cope. Here is to many wonderful dreams and a deep rest for you :)

Katexx
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5457
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Dear Kate,


a much better night, thank you, XXXXX XXXXX ready to get back there now...


I've had a pensive day with alexis but my mood has been brighter, I'm wondering what has happened to me, not much guilt, just want to get things sorted!


I had an email from Mark early this am, he says he has emailed D's solicitor to see if they have any instructions from him. He doesn't think D will agree to my proposals, and says that it will take about 6 months to get to court for a judge to make the decision, I assume he means the Mesher Order, and so we should get court proceedings underway so we have a timetable to work with. He realises that D is under no pressure to do anything while I have to worry about moving, but doesn't think I should put myself in a position where I need to rely on D for helping me pay the rent.


He said this morning that he would get back to me later when he'd heard back from D's solicitor but I've had no word. Maybe D's solicitor has been trying to get hold of D, I don't know but \i'm sure I'll hear tomorrow.


D came over to me As I was washing Lola off in the pond after a muddy walk, said how was I? I just answered fine and walked away.


I had an answer message from an officer from the Domestic Abuse police unit when I got home saying they'd received details of the incident last week (if only they knew how many incidents there have been in the past!), she was offering extra support if I needed it, but knew that I have Ziggy.... I don't know what has happened to Ziggy, I've emailed the office again, but tomorrow I will phone them. I'll see what the score is there, I might phone the police DVU to ask about occupancy orders and how they can help me with it bc I know the court will need 'evidence', or documentation of his behaviours, from me I think, but from other agencies too.


Best 'hit the sack' as they said in days of yore :)


Goodnight Kate... hope you're having a good day


Hilary Rosexx


 


Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

I'm glad you had a better day and felt good about settling all the affairs with Dave. It sounds like you are working through your feelings about the situation and seeing that you are in the right and he is wrong. There are so many that are on your side with this and that see the harm Dave has brought to you and the family. Having that kind of support can really help you gain self esteem and feel you are not alone in your struggle to overcome all the abuse Dave put on you all these years.

It will be good to have a timetable for getting this situation settled with Dave. Living in limbo like you have is not easy and it can play with your imagination, making you feel the worst is possible. But by at least getting some answers, it is going to bring a lot more positive into the situation.

I hope Ziggy is going ok. It is odd you haven't heard from her. I imagine the office will be able to tell you when she will be back.

It's good the domestic abuse police contacted you. They seem to be taking your situation very seriously and I'm glad to hear it. It helps to know they are there for you. And hopefully, they will be able to give you a lot of help with the occupancy orders and evidence of Dave's behavior. I can't imagine that Dave will be able to come up with an excuse for his actions after being faced with the evidence.

I hope you sleep very well, Hilary Rose. Sweet dreams to you :)

Katexx
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5457
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Kate,


being denied access again so can't accept at the moment, will try later...


Oh so so tired, I think the dogs are draining my resources, Lola is demanding and I can't let them out in the garden unattended bc it is unsecure to the road. I am seriously considering taking them back to the barn, I will have to in 4 weeks time when the cottage owners come for the weekend, then it is let for a week. I'll see how I go, but I'm not getting any rest time. I guess it's good for me somehow being outside and taking exercise :)


I am still waiting to hear from Mark, I'm disappointed not to know what's to happen yet, it's hard to sort out my thoughts. I'll email him a few words in a minute, just a nudge. I phoned the Citizen's Advice bureau (CAB) this morning and had several chats in between colouring my hair, and the assistant making inquiries to her manager. I wanted to ask if i would be entitled to any financial help towards housing costs, or income support. We established that I should still be claiming child benefit for Sam since he is in full time education, it stopped last September, so that was a bonus. She has made an appointment for a Benefits adviser to call me in 2 weeks (they're rather busy), so hopefully I'll know my situation a bit better by then.


I'm still waiting to hear what is happening with Ziggy, though I did receive an email from the Service manager obviously meant for one of her colleagues just asking them to let me know who would be working with me! Hope Ziggy will be back soon, I miss her.


I see Adele tomorrow, haven't seen her for 4 weeks, well, 3 appointments. I have so much to tell her. I was thinking I should write it all down in points so that I still have to tell her everything but I have a crib sheet to help me, otherwise it's a cop-out sending her an email and I'll not get better at expressing myself. That said, sending an email does save a lot of time so we can talk of other stuff, I don't know what's more important. It'll soon be a year that I'll have been working with her, I'm still anxious to know what the score is, but am scared to ask. Maybe I'll try tomorrow.


I've seen D in passing each of the last 3 days. he has come to me at the pond while washing Lola off. Passed friendly comments about things, asked me how I was, said the pond is holding water now.... I need to clear some of the weed from it.... I left each time after a minute or so not wanting to talk to him. I've been checking the rabbit the last couple of days, he's not doing too well and I considered bringing him down here, having him in the utility room, but I think I'll just keep and eye every day. It might upset him to move him to somewhere unfamiliar. And the budgie number is XXXXX from 11 to 8, I wonder where they have gone.


Sam needed a lift to college yesterday, we haven't had a proper chat for a while so I was almost glad he'd missed the bus! I asked how D was, he said OK, a bit down, out some nights, in others just watching TV. I asked if he (Sam) was eating OK, he said he was, but D was jsut eating soup, he said the same soup every night, not even a variety. Oh. Sam said he didn't think he (D) would cope well on his own. I said he could maybe share a house with a friend who is in a similar situation, there are several about I believe.


I asked Sam if he was getting on Ok with dad. He said so, but just in passing really. He said that D had asked him now and again what was happening, Sam said he didn't know. He said that D had told him that he wanted us all to live at the Barn, why couldn't we do that and just live separate lives? I said that was the way it's been for the last several years, and it was no good for me. Sam said he didn't want me to go back to the way I was, he wants D to move on, for it all to be over, he doesn't like seeing him sad and down (and grumpy), but knows there is no going back for my sake. He told me he'd said he couldn't afford his solicitor.


Must sleep, so tired. Helen is walking the dogs with me in the morning, then we can have a catchup- she has one more week before she goes back to Ghana and I feel I've hardly seen her. She seems to manage OK staying with mum and dad several days at a time, then she stays with her twin for the rest of the time. I don't know how I'll cope, just have to, unless I go away for a day or 2, but that might upset them. I don't know. Time enough to decide.


Goodnight Kate. I hope you are OK


Hilary Rosexx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

If you want to let me know what you would like to rate, I'll send it in to the moderators so they can process it for you. And I'll work on your answer in the meanwhile.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Patience prevails! 4th time lucky- I wonder why it denies access, then doesn't! Anyway, need you ask! Always the highest rating for you Kate :)


I might be lights out in a minute so catch your answer in the morning xx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
I wonder why as well. Not much explanation here. We are just to send the preferred rating along and let the moderators put it through.

Good night then. I hope you sleep very well. And thank you for always being so kind to me. It is much appreciated! :)

Katexx
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

You do sound tired! I'm sorry to hear that you have to care for the animals all by yourself. I was thinking that it goes to show that Dave still has not changed, even though he claims to have since you left. If he truly cared, he would help you with the animals. No one who really cared would leave another to do all the work, exhausting them until they had nothing left. But since he won't help, you can only do so much on your own. Maybe it would help to consider letting the animals either be adopted or let go if they can do well on their own. With the dogs that might be hard, but the other animals may do just fine. It would take a lot of your burden away.

I'm glad to hear that you might be able to get some financial assistance. That is good news! Hopefully, they will follow through and give you a call. Let me know how it goes, and if you happen to hear from Mark and Ziggy.

It is probably just fine to email Adele. It's not like you don't plan on talking to her, you just have so much to catch her up on that emailing and talking together would get the job done easier. If you were emailing instead of talking, that is different. And I understand your need to fill her in with everything that has happened. The more she knows, the more she can help.

I am glad you had a chance to catch up with Sam. He sounds like he is doing ok with everything and has it all pretty clear in his mind. It's not ideal that Dave keeps looking to Sam for answers and is putting his feelings onto Sam, but Dave does not respect boundaries or other people's feelings, so it is not a surprise. I imagine that if Sam feels it is too much, he will come to you.

Have fun with Helen tomorrow. Maybe she will have some ideas for you on how to handle being with your parents for the time you have to stay with them.

I hope you slept well! Talk with you soon.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5457
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hey Kate,


thank you.


Happiness is..... knowing I can stay with Adele...... she said we can work through 2013 together :)


I didn't email her but printed off a couple of things which she read and we talked about together so I was relieved.


I have just wanted to sleep all the time today, she came up to the room we use a little after me and I was resting on the beanbags. She came and lay on the floor with me, I don't think I would have had the energy to sit in a chair and talk.


No word from Mark. I'm rather upset. But I've heard from DVAAS to say that Ziggy will be away for a couple of weeks and they've given me an email address to write to now. Good. DVAAS is taking part in the One Billion Rising on 14th Feb in a town nearby- a world wide peaceful protest against violence against women and girls http://onebillionrising.org/, they're planning a flash mob dance like this...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQ3d3KigPQM, they look great fun. I hope I'll want to go to see it.


Totally exhausted and need sleep. I'm really glad I have nothing to do tomorrow, I want to rest well.


Goodnight Kate. New Q tomorrow I think :)


Hilary Rosexx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

I am glad you had time with Adele today. And it is very good news that you can work with her through 2013 :) She is a wonderful support to have.

I'm sorry you did not hear from Mark. I was really hoping for you that he would respond. But I am happy to hear that you heard about Ziggy. I'll check out the video. Looks interesting!

Good night, Hilary Rose. I imagine that you will sleep well tonight!

Katexx
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Kate,


thank you. I did sleep well, and had a nap this afternoon too. I had a nice quiet day, finished 'Should I stay......' -definitely not! and lit the fire, walked the dogs etc. I had a visit at the cottage from D at about lunchtime, he came with some post, gave it to me and hung about for a minute or 2 looking at me for some reason. I looked at my post and left them unopened til he'd gone. There was my credit card bill (which he opened last month, not this), and a letter with Private and Confidential stamped on the envelope, I didn't know what, wasn't expecting anything.


He left and I opened it without paying too much attention to the security of the seal, I could tell last time he opened a letter with this type of seal, but I didn't check this time. It was a letter from the 'Multi-Agency Safeguarding Hub' which told me that I had referred Poppy to their services, but they weren't going to refer her on to the Early Years Protection team at this stage. I was puzzled, but can only think that the police Officer I spoke with at the Police Staion on Saturday, who completed a risk assessment, referred her.


I was suspicious about D's delivery of my letters. The postman had delivered my mail into my hands yesterday and today, for both addresses, and I'd checked at the Barn everyday this week to see if any had been missed. There were no letters waiting for me to find. The Credit card statement was dated 6th Jan (I was worrying where it was, paid it online yesterday without the paper bill), and the other letter postmarked 8th Jan, first class. I got the feeling that he had kept the letters back, and may well have opened the one from MASH, which would explain why he was looking at me for a reaction to the letter. I should have asked him when they arrived- I will next time I see him.


Adele said yesterday that it would give her great pleasure to write a letter to the court in support of the occupation order. She told me that the police woman who interviewed me the second time with Ziggy last September rang her to talk about my mental health. Adele said she, Emma (PC) and Dr H were all concerned about me, that I was almost at break down. I didn't feel that she was worried about me but it's clear she was. She reminded me how I was when she first met me, how scared and anxious I was, that I couldn't speak at times. I don't like remembering how I was then. I hope she thinks I'm better now I'm free (almost)


Poppy is out at a junior club this evening with some her friends, back at gone midnight, getting a lift home with a parent, but all staying here (only 3)


Time to sleep, goodnight Kate. Didn't get that new Q out.... tomorrow :)


Hilary Rosexx


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hello Hilary Rose!

It's nice to hear from you. I'm glad you had a nice day today. It sounds like you had lots of good rest and got things done, which always boosts the spirits. :) And I am glad the book helped. The author is very good at making things clear.

I'm sorry to hear that Dave might be holding your mail back and possibly looking at it. It sounds like he has a lot of difficulties not hurting you in some way. It's like a constant violation of your personal space and personal rights. Is there a way to talk with the postmaster about the legality of Dave holding your mail or looking at it? I know that here in the U.S. it is considered a federal crime to touch someone else's mail without permission. It is not ideal to have to go that far to stop Dave, but it seems he is unwilling to stop on his own. Maybe if he doesn't respond to your next request that he leave your mail alone, you can consider this step.

It's wonderful that Adele is so willing to write the letter for the occupation order. It will really help your situation I believe. And try not to worry about what she thinks of you. Anyone who is as wonderful as she is will not think anything of your difficulty last year with expressing yourself. It is all part of the trauma you suffered through and only the most cruel of people would think anything about it. I imagine that Adele thinks very highly of you. Anyone who can survive what you have had to go through is strong and amazing!

Sleep well, Hilary Rose. Many sweet dreams to you.

Katexx
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Kate,


Thank you


I was going to put out a new Q today but didn't..... :( Feeling down and fighting in my head, struggling to see me well in the future. Feeling a failure in my life, can't get a grip of me.


Talk tomorrow, can't seem to say what I want. I'm feeling sad too that I'm not coping well with the dogs, they need so much more being here bc I can't just let them out in the garden, and I have to have them ultra clean before allowing them in, the weather is so horrible. I feel I have to take them back to the Barn before long but it will break my heart.


Goodnight Kate,


Hilary Rosexx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
That is ok, Hilary Rose. I understand. I'm sorry about your dogs. I know that they have been a source of comfort for you through all of this. Hang in there. Talk with you tomorrow.

Katexx
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Kate,


I'm wearing a pair of butterfly earrings my aunt gave me when I was young, I found them on Saturday when I was sorting my earrings to hang on a jewlrey tree. They are a bluey green, one of my favourite colours. One stays upright, but the other just won't and insists on being upside down. I thought how apt, it's how I feel, trying to fly free, but being pulled back down by some force, like Helen says, I flying lopsided, all a-kilter.


I cried til I slept last night. My sleeper wasn't enough, I was really tense and jumpy, had to take Diazepam to calm me. I don't remember what my thoughts were.


Today I made a hard decision, unbearable, but I am in too much pain to cope, my left hand is giving up on me, and it's too much to keep the dogs clean, and I am too exhausted. I phoned D this evening to tell him I'd be bringing the dogs to the Barn before I go to work in the morning. That reminds me, I must give them another anti-flea dose, they have been clear for many weeks, I don't want to start again.


He said fine; then said he wanted to talk to me, asked me if I had any preference to which Estate agent he gets to come value the property. That was a little scary; I said no, get Stags, we always use them, plus 2 others, I wasn't bothered. He said as I know he doesn not want this to happen, he wants me and Poppy to move back in, live in separate rooms, he finish the work that needs doing, then we decide in a few years what we want to do. I said one thing is certain, and that is that I will not ever live with him again. He said he's sorry he's hurt me, but right now I'm really hurting him, that he cries (I said you're not alone- he said yes he is....), that he is on the edge of a large precipice, I said I've been there for several years. He said he has no idea what why I have felt as I did, I said I've told you many times. He said I should write it down so he can read it over and think on it. There is no point, it's too late. I told him the only way we can keep the Barn is how my solicitor has suggested, he goes, Poppy and I stay for 4 years, then we decide. He siad he can't go, can't afford anything, all his money would go on rent. I said you should be able to, you earn £20 per hour, I earn £7.... yeah but it's work that comes and goes... Big sigh. I said are you in touch with your solicitor, he said just messages too and fro, he doesn't want to pay £200 and hour. We (he and I) should be able to sort this out without solicitors, just between ourselves. He has been told he can't just do nothing (not sure by whose solicitor), if he does it will go to court and cost a lot of money. He doesn't want that to happen, he wants me and him to have a cosy chat, and me say yes Dave, just as you say Dave, of course if that's what you want Dave... So I guess that's why he's getting on with an Estate agent. It will be what it will, but without a shadow of a doubt we will not be under the same roof again. Sam doesn't want it, nor does Poppy.


I didn't want the conversation at all, but polite as I am I didn't hang up. I asked him though when my post arrived. He said he wasn't sure, the day before he thinks, but he is NOT holding back my post (!), though I made no comment to that effect. He said he'd left it on the window sill, but it definitely wasn't there. Anyway, no matter.


Then he began on about something else (more of the same) but I was done, walked through the house with the phone to my ear but not listening, waiting to lose signal as I knew I would. He began to break up, then I hung up. I know I should be stronger and stop the converstaion, it is still harassment even over the phone, next time. I thought I'd be in control if I phoned to tell him bc I'd not have to make a physical break away.


Helen came to say goodbye this evening, she is flying 'home' to Ghana tomorrow. She says I'll be fine staying with mum and dad for a week, they'll be very happy to have me there. I will feel like a fish out of water with Poppy staying at friends (I hope that tells D something that she doesn't want to go back to her room, poisoned now, what is the matter with him? He slept in my bed on New Year eve bc Sam was in Poppy's (not too well I believe)


Must sleep, feeling overdone. Hope to sleep easier tonight. I think I'll change my earrings!!!


Goodnight Kate, my friend and ally,


Hilary Rosexx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

I love the idea of you having butterfly earrings! You have gone through so much to get where you are now, you deserve to wear such a beautiful reminder (I love the blue/green color too- isn't it pretty?).

I'm sorry you have to take the dogs back to the Barn. I am thinking that that is all the more reason for you to be able to move back into the Barn when this is all sorted out. You need to take care of the animals and be sure all is running smoothly where Dave won't do that.

It sounds like Dave is pretty much the same as he was when you were married to him and living together. He doesn't seem to understand that this situation is not about him but about the abuse he caused in the marriage and that you were hurt enough by him to divorce and give up your home just to get away. And the kids were willing to support that decision as well. You are right, writing things down for him will not help. He can just as easily start listening to you and stop talking about his own needs. That is when he will be ready to change. But he hasn't shown any signs of being willing to let his own needs go.

It is difficult to be strong and go against Dave. You are used to relating to him in one way and the two of you have patterns of interacting that go a long way back. Plus you have made huge changes already so don't be so hard on yourself. It will take time to be able to react to him by cutting him off and tuning him out. One step at a time.

I hope Helen has a safe trip back. It's good she talked with you before she had to go about staying with your parents. That makes it a bit easier, I imagine, though still not ideal. At least it's only for a short time.

By the way, how is your mom doing?

Sleep well, Hilary Rose. I hope you rest better than you did last night. It can be difficult to go through the day when you didn't get the rest you needed. Hopefully, tonight will go better for you.

Katexx
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5457
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hey Kate,


thank you. I took the dogs back this morning in a hurry after taking Poppy to school (yes, missed the bus, but not her fault, her friends held us up, weren't ready), before going to work. I felt OK doing so this morning bc I knew I'd be out all day and they'd have company for some of it, but this evening I feel bad, keep coming across reminders of them, toys, empty chair, nobody to feed, and NO cuddles. And now an empty bed beside me. But I just couldn't keep it up, and D could use a little company too. I'll see them tomorrow. I haven't checked or fed the rabbit since yesterday am, I know there was no feed left, I bought some more but kept it at the cottage taking some with me when I went there with the dogs. I hope he's bought him some (I'm trying to get him to buy for them, be responsible, THINK, but maybe it's not in the rabbit's best interest) You're right, adoption might be the best thing, or I bring him down here like I thought before. Maybe I'll talk to Poppy.


I've had a very tedious day with Alexis, long wait at GP surgery ( but I did make an appointment to see the physio while I was waiting, about my left hand, remember I told you about the dishy physio who I saw weekly about my back last year? He now works for our GP practice! he's only a youngster, but will be nice to see him again!). The GP referred her to the ED to see the Ophthalmic nurse, we were there a good 3 hours, I was glad to get home for a cuppa tea.


Adele told me to not forget to look after myself, treat myself. Well there have been plenty of sweet treats piling on the pounds (7 too many to be precise, so says Alexis's mum's scales!!), but at last I have booked a haircut, my fringe is getting crooked from my attempts to still see out, so tomorrow I will look smart. But Poppy, bless her, looked at me in the mirror and said you look ill mum, time for makeup. Maybe. Time for sleep more like :)


Mum is doing OK thanks, XXXXX XXXXX tired plus some other unpleasant side effects which means she doesn't dare go far from a loo. She's on her last week of external radiotherapy, then they will be starting brachytherapy, in a week or 2.


Goodnight Kate, got late again


Hilary Rosexx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Be right back! :)
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hi Hilary Rose,

It sounds like you had a busy day but it also was very productive. I'm sorry about the dogs. I know it is hard to give them up and not get the cuddles that you love. It adds to the losses you have suffered through in the past few months. So many adjustments and losses can contribute to how you feel. It can also cause you to eat more sweets in an effort to boost your spirits. Sometimes people who feel depressed or sad will eat more in order to raise the endorphines in their system. You will lose the weight and feel better soon. It just takes time. Taking care of yourself like Adele suggests will help a lot. It can boost your self esteem which in turn will make you feel better and less likely to need other ways to cope.

I remember you talking about the dishy physio! You will have to fill me in when you see him again. Let me know how your appointment goes when you have it. I hope you are on the mend soon.

I hope you sleep very well, Hilary Rose. Maybe a get away like you talked about might be a good solution to what you feel. Or just a day for yourself doing nice things for you. Hopefully, you will get some answers soon from Mark and Ziggy (or her substitute) so you can get out of the nebulous place you are in now and feel more settled.

Katexx
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Satisfied Customers: 5457
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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