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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hi I could really do with some advice right

Customer Question


I could really do with some advice right now from someone who isn't in my circle. I met a man who I thought to be Mr right about 7 months ago. I met him online. He is 47 I am 36. He is in the RAF in brize norton Oxfordshire and I live in the village near by,

We met 7 months ago and everything has been really good when we have been in each others company that is. We have even been away for a weekend in the lakes and he has met my friends and family. I have never met any of his friends of family or even been to where he lives on camp.

After a few dates he disappeared off the scene for about a week but then contacted me again to say that he was sorry but he had to go home to his parents as his dad had had a heart attack. In the meantime I had found out on ancestory that in fact he was married. He had told me that he had previously been married but not about the second marriage. On his return I approached him about this and he said to me that they were spereated and that they were waiting for the two year seperation before getting divorced she lives in cheshire in their house they bought toether. I decided to trust what he said and everything has been great apart from the fact that he works two weekends a month and sees his boys from the first marriage on one of his weekends off. So I only really get to see him in the week or about once a month on his free weekend. ( he works shifts you see). I had noticed it strange then when he is away he doesn't contact me much but put it down to him being busy with his boys.

We had sorted things out and everything was going smoothly and really well until the beginning of December when he suddenly announced that he had to go home to see his parents as his father was ill. ( his parents live in little Hampton west sussex) . When he got there he told me he would have to stay and help his mum out for a few days, and a few days later he then told me he would be there for a month.

Since then I have not had much contact from him until two days before Christmas day when he finally replied to a text I had sent. I asked him if his parent were ok and that if we were ok still. He replied that he was not sure only because when he retires in November that he may well be moving to be near his parents rather than stay around here. I accidentially sent him a text which was meant for my friend saying what a pile of rubbish( meaning what a pile of rubbish that the text sounded like a dear XXXXX text, not his parents being ill) but he flew off the handle at me I explained but he then said that he didn't know if he could be bothered with the hassle.

I hear nothing again until Christmas day he emailled me saying happy Christmas see you in the new year hopefully. and told me that his phone was kaput.

I'm sorry that that was a very long email to you but i'm really confused as this guy is 48 not 5 a mis understanding shouldn't resolve in an i'm dumping you text at his age plus I had tried to call him several times and his mobile always switched into answer phone he never rang back and just text me now and again.

My question is am I jumping the gun in thinking that he is indeed not seperated from his wife as he has told me or that he was just looking for a get out excuse? I'm really confused as I have been messed around before and he seemed really different, even my family liked him which is unusual for my boyfriends. I just don't get how he could go away for a month and expect me not to want to contact him. I am feeling really left in the learch and confused I'm wondering if you could shed some light on it.

Many thanks

Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 4 years ago.
What happens when someone real begins to care about someone people tend to get worried about losing the person. What then happens things cone up that make people nervous to get their heart broken. He has been married before. There are times where people don't tell everything about their life because they do not want to scare off the person they love. I feel that it is hard for him right now because of a family member being sick. I am sure he wants to establish a relationship with you, but with everything that is going on it is hard for him to solely focus on your relationship together. I want you both to talk this out. Tell him how you feel about him and where you want the relationship to go. He needs to know you really. Care for him. He is going through a tough time. He needs someone and you seem like a person that truly. Cares for him.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I have told him time and time again that how much I care for him only I can only do this via text as he wont answer his phone. he has been away for a month and I don't know if im going to see him again or not. I'm really hurt by his lack of contact. I don't know what to do from here as he describes my contact as hassle

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 4 years ago.
He should want to hear from you and your contact should never be a hassle. He should want to talk to you about his day. What us going on in his life. He needs someone to lean on right now. It just seems like all his distress he can't be bothered with certain things that are going on. He needs to also make time to communicator with you. He might be a person that doesn't like to talk on the phone. He might be someone to that is a face to face person. He might nother like to text. But in order to have a relationship you need to communicate. He needs to know this. I want you to ask him where you both stand in this relationship.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I have asked him if he wants to continue with us or not a over a week ago and he said that he wasn;t sure a when he retires from the RAF he might be moving his parents which is only two and a halff hours away. we had a little bit of a diagreement and that is the last I have heard from him. He sent me an email on xmas day saying happy xmas and see you in the new year I hope but since then I have not heard from him, Even though I have sent texts and emails. Maybe he thinks i pestering him but I don't like to leave things up in the air.


I feel like i'm the only one trying at the moment and that he just wants to shut me out I almost feel as if i'll never see him again and that will hurt a lot as we need to talk this through will you answer this for me please properly


So what do I do now ?

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 4 years ago.
If he does move two and a half hours away you still both can have a long distance relationship and you never know what the future will bring his parents could move closer too him. I want you to just focus solely on each other and getting this relationship back on track. You both had a disagreement and that is the first thing you both need to fix, even if it was a little disagreement. I feel that he will answer you at some point, but you might need to tell him that lets put certain things in the past and start over together in a more stronger relationship. It is easy to get upset when you love someone. So in order for him to communicate I feel he needs some positive inspiration to get through what he is getting through. I want you to explain why you get upset. You need to tell him you enjoy his company and that you miss him.

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