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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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My partner and I are in a low patch of our relationship, however

Resolved Question:

My partner and I are in a low patch of our relationship, however we both want another child, however we do not have a very sexual relationship, his libido is much lower than mine, how can we achieve this, but not put pressure on the relationship to preform?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr. L :

I'm sorry that this is happening for you and that your relationship isn't more fulfilling. You are exactly right..no sex no child. It's as simple as that.

Customer:

Hi,

Dr. L :

And...putting pressure on either of you won't be helpful.

Customer:

No, hence i dont ask, but how do i approach the topic without adding pressure?

Dr. L :

Do you think that his low sex drive has a medical basis...that is low blood flow, erectile dysfunction...or is plain old desire?

Customer:

i think its more down to desire, he has never had a high sex drive

Dr. L :

Sometimes what it takes to re-ignite the flame is a break - a short vacation away where it's about the two of you reconnecting, dreaming together about your future, getting re-acquainted with each other...

Dr. L :

Okay to his having low sexual desire...this is very normal...

Customer:

We've had weekends away in the last 3 months, but nothing happens

Dr. L :

It might be beneficial for both of you if he were to see your family physician to at least see if he has low testosterone...

Dr. L :

Okay..so the time away hasn't changed anything.

Customer:

ok, im not sure if he'd be up for that, no time away really isnt any different than being home

Dr. L :

What happens on those weekends away? Do you think that one or both of you are afraid of being intimate after such a long while? Does something seem to get in the way?

Dr. L :

I understand..there is a lot of shame around seeing a physician for that reason...but if he really wants another child...that may be what is necessary...

Dr. L :

That's unfortunate that time away is no different than time at home!

Dr. L :

There is a very good book that I recommend for couple's having such issues...would you be willing to consider that?

Customer:

We have a great time together, we go do stuff we both enjoy, we chat about dreams, he wants his own business and our life is based on this, but when it comes to bed time, we just cuddle, say good night and roll over lol

Customer:

what is the book?

Dr. L :

It's called:

Dr. L :

Sex is Fun

Customer:

ok, is it a sex help book or a relationship book?

Dr. L :

It's sort of like a workbook...has silly pictures and takes a very fun approach to sex....but it has a serious goal...to make sex more relaxing...to break down barriers...to get the couple on the same page about sexual pleasure.

Dr. L :

It's not sex help really...it's about building a sexual relationship.

Customer:

ok that could be workable, we've explored desires and fantasies in the past, he might be open to that

Dr. L :

Okay good...I recommend this book often and people respond very well to it.

Customer:

thank you , i will have a look for it. How would you recommend i broach the subject..be direct?

Dr. L :

Now...tell me what stops you from initiating sex? You wrote that on your times away you have great fun together, and it sounds like you have a very strong relationship...but then you kiss good-night and it's lights out....what stops you for pushing for intimacy?

Customer:

I have in the past tried, but he always rejects it when i initiate it

Customer:

not every time, but enough for me to stop trying, i accept i have a much higher sex drive

Dr. L :

Honesty is always the best policy...so yes..I would be direct in saying that you want to have more intimacy in your relationship and that you would like the two of you to take a look at this book together. The title really helps take the pressure off...and the pictures and words are very non-threatening.

Dr. L :

So...from time to time he rejects your desire for sex...is that right? And that has you scared of further rejection?

Customer:

well its really the only way i suppose

Customer:

yes i hate rejection lol

Dr. L :

And you take that rejection personally...

Customer:

yes i do

Dr. L :

But...as you have said already...he has a lower sex drive so that means that when he says NO...it's really about him...not about you. And..you have no ability to make him do something he does not want to do...this would be true about all kinds of things not just sex...

Customer:

yes that is true, we are both strong willed

Dr. L :

It might help for you to stop personalizing this and to see it rather as a matter of choice. While you are disappointed even hurt by his saying no...he does have the right to say no.

Dr. L :

Perhaps....it could unfold like this...

Dr. L :

You: Let's have sex tonight (or however you phrase that)

Dr. L :

He: No

Customer:

yes he does, hence I dont push it, i know i would feel the same if he asked it of me and I was not in the right place

Customer:

that kinda thing, my reply is normally ok

Dr. L :

You: I can respect that choice on your part. I will be patient and understanding. If you would like to have sex tomorrow or at a later time this week...please know that I will look forward to that.

Customer:

but does that not put a underlying level of pressure?

Dr. L :

By giving him "permission" to say no....the pressure totally comes off and he may feel understood, appreciated, and respected in a way that actually allows him to change his mind.

Dr. L :

This idea of "giving permission" is really quite powerful....and because you are both strong-willed this is even more important.

Dr. L :

Does this make sense to you?

Customer:

kinda, its a different way of thinking and handling our relationship, but change is a good thing and we are not gonna achieve our goal unless something changes

Dr. L :

No it doesn't put an underlying pressure...it does the opposite...the person can then say...wow...I can say no and it's okay with her..

Customer:

yeah i can see that being a positive thing for him

Dr. L :

Yes...this will change the conversation for sure as you will be openly acknowledging that he said no...when you say okay...it's not a strong statement...it's a defeat statement. This way you both maintain respect and power.

Dr. L :

It actually evens out the power as both of you have had your say.

Customer:

and thats important to both of us

Dr. L :

And...though we tend to think that men have lots of freedom and power...where they lack this is in the emotional arena. And...sex is all about emotions!

Dr. L :

We tell men that they must be the protectors and defenders of the family...and we don't usually allow them to have emotions or to be emotional.

Dr. L :

Thus, they need permission to access this part of their being.

Customer:

lol yes it is and emotions are not his strong point lol

Dr. L :

Exactly.

Customer:

thank you, XXXXX XXXXX go look for the book on line now, you have been very helpful

Dr. L :

And so if you acknowledge his "feeling" of No...and essentially give him permission to make that choice...then he will gain confidence in having feelings.

Dr. L :

Very good! I am glad I could help you today.

Customer:

very true, thank you :-)

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Dr. L and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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