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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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How do I move on from someone I had an affair with and move

Resolved Question:

How do I move on from someone I had an affair with and move forward in my marriage?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

There are various things that you may like to try, you seem to have tried certain things we would suggest to you however you might want to re-assess at what length you have achieved these in terms of each one individually (i.e.. how much have you attempted and achieved in regards XXXXX XXXXX in activities with your husband..)

I'm also wondering whether your husband is aware of your affair, if so, how does he feel? Would you both be willing to try couple counseling as this might help in re-evaluating the relationship. If he's unaware, then it may well be about trying out new activities that will continue to keep your mind busy. One thing that I haven't discussed with you is how open and honest communication may be what you're looking for and may be holding you back on moving forwards - just something to think about in case you haven't told your husband.

The fact that you've tried to not contact your lover will help immensely and this would be extremely important in your aim to move forward in your marriage. You need to trust yourself and believe in yourself that you can do this, so long as you remain motivated to build up your marriage.

Here are some books and resources that may help you as well:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Infidelity/support-group

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman.

Other strategies may be around thinking about what it is that has held you and your husband together still. He is obviously the one you wish to remain with, so if you can identify what it is that holds your marriage together and what might have been the reasons for your infidelity, this could help you increase your awareness and insight into what has happened. These are just a few strategies I hope will help, most important would be that you allow yourself to let go of any feelings of anger or guilt you may still be holding and allow and give yourself permission to be happy within your marriage. I hope this response was helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further.
Kind regards, Karin


Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I have not given my 100 percent to my marriagemy lover is married as well. And his wife found out about us. They are currently split and it has been driving my mind insane thinking that we could be together now. I have no clue how to forget him and just be at peace with knowing I can.never see him again.
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
You sound as though there is this feeling of 'what if?'

If you really want the marriage to work then you will need to find a way to let it be. If you are truly unhappy within your marriage, it may well be a good idea to consider counseling just for yourself - this would enable you to have some room and space to talk about your deepest emotions and how you might be able to start to work through them. You many not find peace if you are still holding a torch for this guy especially with the thought that he may now be 'available'. No-one is here to judge you, you need to do what's right for you but you also need to think about the consequences of your actions and behaviors towards those that you care about; this may well make you think about your feelings and thoughts around this guy. A big part of this is who you see your future with - realistically and not in fantasy terms, this could well be this other guy or perhaps not - your initial question was around how to progress in your marriage - so I guess this is what your goal is...

Please accept my answers if you feel I have answered your question accordingly, I do hope these responses have been helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further.
Kind regards, Karin
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
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Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi Cassondra,
Just touching base with you and wondering how you got on with my response. Did you make any final decisions or are you reflecting on things?
I hope all is well with you; you know where I am if you need further assistance or support, just put "Hi Karin.." at the start of any new questions and I will do my best to help you :)
Take care, Karin

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