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belove0820, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 43
Experience:  I have over 10 years of experience working with children, adolescents, and parents.
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hi there, I am have relationship difficulties and would like

Customer Question

hi there, I am have relationship difficulties and would like a second opinion, just to feel I am not going a bit mad and that my thoughts and feelings are normal!

Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  belove0820 replied 4 years ago.
Hi Laura,
I would be happy to offer you a second opinion on your relationship difficulties.

Please just let me know what's happening, and any specific questions that you might want to address about what's going on.

Thanks so much!
Dr. Autumn
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Hi there,


Thanks for getting back to me so quickly.

Basically I have been with my partner for 4 1/2 years (living together for 2 years) and for roughly the past 2-3 months I've been really questioning my happiness and our compatibility.

In this time I have found that we have been arguing more and I've been more 'nagging' and generally moaning to him about how he does this, or doesn't do that.

It's got to the point that we're on a waiting list for relate counselling as we both don't want to split, and we'd like to try things to help or infact 'salvage' the rship.

I know being in a rship can be hard after the honey moon ends and that both parties have to really make an effort. We are mature enough to talk about things and how we need to change but nothing ever does!

To be honest these things are to do with his personality and if I am annoyed by how he doesn't do things then perhaps he isn't right for me (you can't ask someone to change so much that it's not natural, right?).

Anyway I feel that since moving in together we have got very comfortable, slob around in scruffy clothes, have bad habits and generally don't spend enough quality time together. we also have a lodger who is in most of the time (not watching tv with us) but is very present, and I think this also adds pressure.

His personality.....well he is intelligent, funny and quite perceptive but he isn't what I would call socially confident (in a dinner situation), I feel I have to nag him to do housework, he sleeps for hours (over the holidays, I'm talking 12, 1pm!), he lacks motivation, he has bad table manners, he is addicted to football and checking his iphone for results every 5 minutes,he is really anal with money and he's messy! See how I thinking of the bad things?! On boxing day my family were over and we had a meal. He doesn't seem to be able (or want to) eat and have a conversation at the same time. he ate his food really quickly without talking and then went upstairs to the loo (he was ages and I know he was looking on his iphone) then when he came back he asked if he could sit on the sofa as he was full. I just thought it was very rude and a lazy way to behave...especially in front of my family on boxing day.


We went to a new years eve party the other night and had a good time but at the end I was so angry with him. we were at a private party in a large bar but as it was hard to get served he went downstairs to the other bar....he seemed to be gone for ages. A friend of mine asked where he was and I went to find it. I found him chatting to a girl on his own and without wanting to be a bunny boiler I joined in the conversation and went back upstairs. He still didn't come back up to the party for a good 15 mnutes. I just think it's unacceptable if he's meant to be my boyfriend. It wasn't really about chatting to a girl that bothered me that much (she approached him apparently and I believe that), but more the fact that he didn't come back upstairs!

These are just 2 examples, and I'm conscious that I don't want to send a 'moany' email but I think I need a second opinion from a female (I hope you are?!) that this is quite poor? The thing is we don't have much of a sex life anymore....that's because I feel that I don't want to be intimate with him and that I'm not happy with how I look but it's probably been 4 months since we were intimate and we don't even have kids so what's the problem!!

The question that I have to ask myself is how long I go on feeling unhappy and coming across as a nag because quite frankly my needs are clearly not being met. He is very laid back and doesn't analyse as much as me.

I also think he knows its not great but doesn't want to be alone or single. Once a few weeks ago he said 'I don't want us to end becuase the alternatives are awful'. Great. Say what you feel hey! He said it came out wrong but Im not so sure.


Perhaps you could give me your thoughts?


I hope to hear soon. Thank you!



Expert:  belove0820 replied 4 years ago.
Thanks for the detailed information! It's very helpful.

I just want to start by saying that I can't tell you if you should split up or not. That's something that the two of you will obviously have to decide for yourselves. I think it's great that the two of you are on the waiting list for therapy. That should be very helpful in helping you to make the decision regarding whether to stay together or not.

All of that being said....It doesn't sound like he is very interested or invested in the relationship right now. It is easy to get comfortable with someone once we have been with them for a while. However, it's also important to continue to invest in your relationship so that it continues to work. Otherwise, it will just continue to fall apart. I think it is concerning that his one reason for not wanting to break up is that the alternatives are awful. He should have many, many reasons why he doesn't want to be apart from you. And, those reasons should be about you and him, not about how bad everything else is. Also, why was he so comfortable talking to the girl at the bar, and not to you and your friends? I understand him not being social, but why is he being social with someone else?

Family is always a difficult topic. Often, we don't enjoy spending time with family. But, it's something that we do because we care about each other. It just feels like so many of his behaviors seem to say that he doesn't care very much anymore.

I do think that the nagging is probably not helping. But, you are right about trying to get your needs met. Your needs are important, and if he is not even trying to help meet those needs, then you have to decide what you want to do. Is there any way other than nagging that will help him understand what you need? Also, the things that you feel like you have been nagging him about - do you feel like you can let any of them go? Can you pick your battles, and see what happens if you aren't nagging him?

I hope this is helpful. Let me know what you think!
Dr. Autumn
Expert:  belove0820 replied 4 years ago.
Hi Laura,
I just wanted to check in with you and see if you have any thoughts about my feedback, or if you have any questions.

I also forgot to mention that I am a female, as you requested.

Let me know if I can do anything else to help.

Dr. Autumn

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