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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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Im having a problem letting of a on again off again type relationship.

Customer Question

I'm having a problem letting of a on again off again type relationship. I've tried to end the relationship several times however they guy is so persistent at staying in my life. The reason i want to end the relationship is because i found out that he has a girlfriend.... and has had one for years! it turned out that i was the other girl. i was with him for a few years and now i have strong feeling involved. this guy has told me that he loves me and everything under the sun. I guess my question is why is he so persistent at staying in my life if he has a long term relationship with someone else that he is not willing to let go? I've told him it is not right to play with my emotions because i truly care for him.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

Please give me a moment to read your question carefully and I will come back to you very soon. I prefer to give you an excellent response and this may take a few moments to prepare.
Regards, Karin
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there again,
I'm sorry to hear you're having trouble with this guy. He sure does sound persistent and that is not necessarily a good thing in his case. If he truly cared for you, I wonder whether he would be playing with your emotions like this... He says many things but, like you say, you've just found out you're the other girl. This can't be good for your confidence and your self esteem. I hear that it's difficult to change numbers etc.. but it may require more than a number change if you want him out of your life (I'm uncertain whether this is the case as you have such strong feelings for him). He has lied to you and it's not a small lie, it feels like a huge deceit to not tell you about his other relationship. He may be the kind of guy that likes to have his cake and eat it - if you know what I mean, but in this process - you're getting hurt.
I'm not sure whether its the case that he has to 'agree' to let you go. He should respect your wishes and I guess, if you mean 'no' then you need to ensure he hears it as such. It might be worth you thinking about how assertive you have been this far when you have,in the past, tried to break it off with him. You have tried in the past to have no communication but to no avail, hence you may need to step it up a notch and re-think your message to him (if you truly want him out of your life). I'm uncertain if this other person is still in his life and if she is, you would need to be careful in terms of the message you send him (I.e.. It's okay to have me on the side), which I'm clearly hearing you are NOT saying.

You could consider contacting your telephone/mobile phone service and see if you could have his number blocked (no Facebook contact neither etc...)?
These are just some suggestions as it seems you're still unsure about letting him go, but if you really did, these suggestions may help you create that emotional and physical distance from him and allow you to get back on your feet and give you a chance to find someone who wants an exclusive relationship just with you and respects you.
I hope this response was helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further.
Kind regards, Karin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I have told him flat out several times that I will not and won't talk to him if he has another girlfriend!! He he just lies and says that he is single! He says that he has not been with her at all and he cares about me. :-( I would love nothing more form him to be in my life however I know this is not right. I think I have been very firm in my actions with him i have told him flat out i will not date or talk to to IF you have a girlfriend. The only reason why I would take him back is because he would email me, call, Skype , Facebook, and when i don't respond he asks my friends He will go at it for months For months! Also telling me he is single .... I wouldn't think someone who doesn't care for me work even put that much time into seeking me out.... :-( it's very confusing and hurtful. I have even explained this to him. It is so difficult I don't know what is the truth anymore.
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
I totally hear you but I do believe that something's not right here.

You deserve better than to be going through this. The fact that he knows you would want nothing more than to believe him makes it easier to 'break you down', you need to decide whether this is worth working at further or whether its time to seriously end it. Only you can decide this.

He may well tell you stuff you want to hear but if someone says "no more, I can't be with you, back off!" They should respect the other person's wishes and let them be, hence why I can see your struggle with a) your feelings and thoughts because you still have strong feelings for him and b) with actually letting him go for good.
He may try to grind you down until you have him back in your life but you wouldn't be here asking for assistance on this if you hadn't finally had enough.
You really do deserve better than to be going through such torment.
I wish you the best in your pursuit of YOUR happiness - that is what matters here and it seems not to be with him - lies and deceit can damage relationships for good. However, as a final, final chance/option - if you really felt you could work through this, you could ask him to attend couple counseling with you and work through all the trust issues within this relationship and this would be the only condition you would consider taking him back.
Please accept my answer if you feel like I have responded to your question, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification.
If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further.
Good luck and best wishes, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
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