We wrote back and forth a little bit in 2010 about my relationship with my boyfriend. I have thought about our conversations many times since then and the other day I was going through some paperwork and found a printout of them. Your emails were point on and so helpful. However, for reasons I'm still trying to understand, I ended up marrying him on 11/11/11...and left him on 11/30/12.
I didn't want to label it as emotional abuse, denial I guess, but now believe it to be. And living together I guess brings it more to the surface. He would tell me what to wear and pout if I didn't do it. He told me I do stupid circle talk and that he can't follow my conversations. I use fragmented sentences and long pregnated pauses. He would roll his eyes at me often in frustration and disgust. He was very volatile and angry. It was like walking on eggshells and of course when I brought any of it to his attention, he would turn it around to where it was my fault. I'm too sensitive, I overreact, etc. He would say things and deny he said them. Ex. I was telling him one night that I needed some really warm socks because my feet are so cold at night...and he said he'd been meaning to talk to me about that...that he would like me to dress sexier at night. (We had a 19 year old in the house.) I got teary eyed and he went off on me about how he can't talk to me because I get upset. Later, in counseling, he denied ever saying that. He also told me that he doesn't like my hair up because my neck is unattractive. He even said that in front of the counselor.
I could go on and on. I started seeing a female counselor in September and she has helped me tremendously, but I value your opinion as a male and as someone with great insight.
The first few weeks were okay...everything fell into place as if it was meant to be. One of the things I'm struggling with I think is how I left. Because of my fear of him, I had friends help me move while he was at work and I texted him later. He has been texting me continuously since, and has started seeing the marriage counselor we saw on his own. (The counselor by the way, told him he was full of himself and condescending.) Anyway, he is making it appear that he is making big strides, having revelations, etc. I really don't know that he can change at 53, and with his behavior being a pattern in all of his relationships...son, work, wifes. I'm trying to understand what I'm feeling and if it's normal. I know I made the right decision, but why am I hesitating to flat out tell him that I'm done. I hate that I've hurt him but know I can't live like that. He has a way of making me question myself. And of course now that things have settled down a little with my new apartment, a little bit of lonliness is setting in.
One more thing...he had kicked my son out without discussing it with me. Long story, but Jerry grabbed my son (19) and my son swung at him...totally unlike him. Jerry told him he was no longer welcome, was going to call the cops, turned off his phone, changed the garage code, etc. Awful! Needless to say, that has put a huge strain on our relationship.
Should I give him a chance to change or am I being naive?
Thank you so much! That helps me get the strength back that I had when I left. If you don't mind, I'd like to share with you his text from tonight. And I'm sure I don't necessarily need to mention that there is the "other" Jerry. He can be so sweet and complimentary and make me feel wonderful...and then change personalities.
Tonya, I love you and don't like where this is heading but we can't have a discussion if I am the only one sharing. When I meet with Dr. Reffner I have to tell him what my feelings are...your ongoing resistance to engage in any meaningful conversation leaves me with little to tell other than - Tonya is still living in an unkown location, she left me with past due bills, she has not ackowledged any of my expressions of love and willingness to preserve our marriage, she is resistant to any form of communication and has shown no signs of interest in reconciliation or willingness to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. I don't know what his advice will be but if you are unwilling to engage I cannot imagine his response being anything other than 'Jerry..she is telling you that she wants out...she can't bring herself to say the words but for reasons that only she understands, she has decided to get out. You need to move on with your life'. Please tell me I am wrong and I don't understand your feelings. We followed contemporary guidance at the time...date for two years before marriage. After those two years, to the day, I asked you to marry me. Six months later, I gave you my oath on the 11th of November that I wanted to be your husband forever. If you went into that with less than that full committment...then we really don't have a future...please tell me I have this all wrong. I love you and I want my wife back.
What are your thoughts? :)
Hi Elliott -
I want to make sure that I've done everything correctly...do I owe you a rating or any money? I'm not sure what the emails mean sometimes.
Jerry continues to text, as if he is an expert, telling me how marriage is a series of ups and downs and that we will make it through this, making our bond stronger. He tells me about books he's reading on relationships, etc. I have a feeling you're gagging right now. LOL! Am I right that he still doesn't get it? I didn't leave over the normal disagreements that couples have, I left because of his abuse. Ugh! I guess it's obvious too that my emotions are up and down. Like you said earlier, it's hard to imagine that there are people like him. I know in my heart that if I ever went back, all of this energy he's putting into trying to win me back would vanish. It helps a lot to reread your emails...you really are amazing!