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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Can I request to correspond with Elliott Sewell? Thank

Resolved Question:

Can I request to correspond with Elliott Sewell?

Thank you!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

Thank you for asking for me. I am here and available to work with you. Please get back to me and just ask for Elliot anytime. RIght now all you have to do is to respond and we can communicate. Just state your issue(s) and I will get to you asap, which at this moment is fairly quickly.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Elliott!


 


We wrote back and forth a little bit in 2010 about my relationship with my boyfriend. I have thought about our conversations many times since then and the other day I was going through some paperwork and found a printout of them. Your emails were point on and so helpful. However, for reasons I'm still trying to understand, I ended up marrying him on 11/11/11...and left him on 11/30/12.


 


I didn't want to label it as emotional abuse, denial I guess, but now believe it to be. And living together I guess brings it more to the surface. He would tell me what to wear and pout if I didn't do it. He told me I do stupid circle talk and that he can't follow my conversations. I use fragmented sentences and long pregnated pauses. He would roll his eyes at me often in frustration and disgust. He was very volatile and angry. It was like walking on eggshells and of course when I brought any of it to his attention, he would turn it around to where it was my fault. I'm too sensitive, I overreact, etc. He would say things and deny he said them. Ex. I was telling him one night that I needed some really warm socks because my feet are so cold at night...and he said he'd been meaning to talk to me about that...that he would like me to dress sexier at night. (We had a 19 year old in the house.) I got teary eyed and he went off on me about how he can't talk to me because I get upset. Later, in counseling, he denied ever saying that. He also told me that he doesn't like my hair up because my neck is unattractive. He even said that in front of the counselor.


 


I could go on and on. I started seeing a female counselor in September and she has helped me tremendously, but I value your opinion as a male and as someone with great insight.


 


The first few weeks were okay...everything fell into place as if it was meant to be. One of the things I'm struggling with I think is how I left. Because of my fear of him, I had friends help me move while he was at work and I texted him later. He has been texting me continuously since, and has started seeing the marriage counselor we saw on his own. (The counselor by the way, told him he was full of himself and condescending.) Anyway, he is making it appear that he is making big strides, having revelations, etc. I really don't know that he can change at 53, and with his behavior being a pattern in all of his relationships...son, work, wifes. I'm trying to understand what I'm feeling and if it's normal. I know I made the right decision, but why am I hesitating to flat out tell him that I'm done. I hate that I've hurt him but know I can't live like that. He has a way of making me question myself. And of course now that things have settled down a little with my new apartment, a little bit of lonliness is setting in.


 


One more thing...he had kicked my son out without discussing it with me. Long story, but Jerry grabbed my son (19) and my son swung at him...totally unlike him. Jerry told him he was no longer welcome, was going to call the cops, turned off his phone, changed the garage code, etc. Awful! Needless to say, that has put a huge strain on our relationship.


 


Should I give him a chance to change or am I being naive?


 


Thank you!

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear XXXXXa,

Narcissists have a way of making themselves the victim, of manipulating others, of charming others, of lying and needing to control others, often by destroying their self-esteem.

He seems to be the worst kind of narcissist, because he is so abusive. He nearly reaches the level of malignant narcissist as defined in one of my books (Criminal Profiling by Kocsis):

"an extreme form of antisocial personality disorder that is manifested in a person who is pathologically grandiose, lacking in conscience and behavioral regulation, and with characteristic demonstrations of joyful cruelty and sadism".

He may not be that extreme, but he has been very cruel and sadistic in his destructive treatment of you, and he will not be any different in future. He needs "narcissistic supply", and he is hoping to get it from you, much like a vampire needs blood.

He will never change, in my opinion.

Why are you hesitating? Because you are being conned by a master con-artist who could convince a lie-detector machine (proven fact that many narcissists can to that).

Because you have compassion; because you find it hard to accept that there is a class of people who cannot have empathy for others. They can understand what it is. They can even PRETEND that they do and fool you for awhile.

Keep your cozy apartment. Find someone else to ease your loneliness. There is nothing lonelier than being with someone who doesn't care about you, or have you forgotten.

Don't be afraid to tell him no. Don't be afraid to tell him to leave you alone and don't be afraid to cut off all contact with him if he persists.

Show him you mean business or he will get to yet and destroy you again. Block your phone, your email, and don't let him back into your life. Not even one time. You owe him nothing. You owe YOURSELF and your son a lot more.

You are being naive. Don't let your naivety turn to foolishness.

I will pray for you to have the strength to resist and move on without any more contact.

Warm regards,

Elliott

(MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC)
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you so much! That helps me get the strength back that I had when I left. If you don't mind, I'd like to share with you his text from tonight. And I'm sure I don't necessarily need to mention that there is the "other" Jerry. He can be so sweet and complimentary and make me feel wonderful...and then change personalities.


 


Tonya, I love you and don't like where this is heading but we can't have a discussion if I am the only one sharing. When I meet with Dr. Reffner I have to tell him what my feelings are...your ongoing resistance to engage in any meaningful conversation leaves me with little to tell other than - Tonya is still living in an unkown location, she left me with past due bills, she has not ackowledged any of my expressions of love and willingness to preserve our marriage, she is resistant to any form of communication and has shown no signs of interest in reconciliation or willingness to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. I don't know what his advice will be but if you are unwilling to engage I cannot imagine his response being anything other than 'Jerry..she is telling you that she wants out...she can't bring herself to say the words but for reasons that only she understands, she has decided to get out. You need to move on with your life'. Please tell me I am wrong and I don't understand your feelings. We followed contemporary guidance at the time...date for two years before marriage. After those two years, to the day, I asked you to marry me. Six months later, I gave you my oath on the 11th of November that I wanted to be your husband forever. If you went into that with less than that full committment...then we really don't have a future...please tell me I have this all wrong. I love you and I want my wife back.




What are your thoughts? :)

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Frankly?

I gagged.

This is a narcissist being true to form. Beautful words with no substance behind them.

He just wants to capture you again. He knows just how to play you.

I will keep you in my prayers. Be strong, Tonya.

He has not changed. He has talked like this before.

May God give you the strength to move forward with your life. Amen.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Elliott -



I want to make sure that I've done everything correctly...do I owe you a rating or any money? I'm not sure what the emails mean sometimes.



Jerry continues to text, as if he is an expert, telling me how marriage is a series of ups and downs and that we will make it through this, making our bond stronger. He tells me about books he's reading on relationships, etc. I have a feeling you're gagging right now. LOL! Am I right that he still doesn't get it? I didn't leave over the normal disagreements that couples have, I left because of his abuse. Ugh! I guess it's obvious too that my emotions are up and down. Like you said earlier, it's hard to imagine that there are people like him. I know in my heart that if I ever went back, all of this energy he's putting into trying to win me back would vanish. It helps a lot to reread your emails...you really are amazing!



Tonya

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear XXXXXa.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

You have rated me excellent and I have been paid for my work and am quite satisfied.

I never refuse bonuses, but I never ask for them either.

Be assured that if you come back to me with a new question I will always give you my best and most caring attention.

Stay strong.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
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35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.