What should I do???
Yes, I have strong feelings but I am so afraid to get hurt!
Is it possible that he may love me?
My gut tells me he is married and not separated. I think he doesn't love his wife anymore but that she is the one that "brings the bacon", and that is why he stays. He may also be very comfortable in a marriage where he can easily have a mistress. It seems like a dysfunctional marriage to me, but I am not certain what is going on. I may be assuming the worse because I am afraid.
However, he seems to have changed only in one thing: he seems to value me more, like he knows I can walk away and doesn't want that to happen. But yes, texting and calling all the time feels a little like control (not that I don't want him to do it, is just that I feel that if I miss a call or text he could explode like he did before).
I also worry about our casual conversations about work... I try not to give too much information but... do you think he may want to harm me on purpose? I mean, if I tell him something he could use just to harm me, do you think he would do it? (I may be a little paranoid but so many secrets scare me! I wonder what else may I be missing?)
I think he got angry about me worrying about his potential conversation with my new boss... he may think I don't want him to get hired in my department... I don't know, I may be worrying too much but my past experience with him was so terrifying.
I think I came back to him because I am lonely, but I am not sure if my lack of trust in him will end up ruining everything. On the other hand, my mother (whom doesn't know I have a relationship with this guy) tells me she feels this guy is trying to use me. She always feels the worse about everyone that comes near so I don't know if she is right... but her words pound in my head.
Please talk to me!
Don't worry about being blunt. I need to hear the truth.
I wish we could chat because I really feel so bad today.
He has not called me since we spoke about that meeting with my new boss. I saw him in the hallways by coincidence. He was talking to some guy I don't know so I simply said "Hi, Happy New Year". He responded "Didn't we say Happy New Year already?", I answered "Maybe we did".
I was trying to act like I didn't know him. He tried to remind me we had been together during new year's eve. He was smiling and I acted normal. Still, after that encounter he did not visit me at my office nor did he call. I don't know what is going on... but in the past, every time we had a tiny argument he would not call me until I got desperate, so I guess he is playing the same game. That is why I acted as if nothing was happening when I saw him. I didn't text him when I was leaving either as I usually do.
To be honest, I was never completely convinced about reconnecting with him, but you are right, I fear him a little... so I played along.
When I read your response I decided not to make myself available to him until he confronted me and I could tell him that we want different things, but he is the one not calling right now... although I think he will at some point.
Dr. L, I know you have never seen me but I am a very attractive woman. I am alone because I work like a horse and when I am off I dedicate the time to my son's activities. I don't have many chances to meet men... but believe me, I am quite desirable, is not like he is making me any favors, and is not like I am so desperate for someone to look at me that I would take anyone. I know this is not what is important but I really think he likes me... the problem is that aside from that, I think he wants to get from me everything he can (which is what bothers me).
Let me clarify some things: he didn't tell me his marriage was dysfunctional, I assume it is because I am not the first "secret affair". He told me that 5 years ago he had an extramarital affair with a woman he fell in love with. They were together for about a year, and when she asked him to move to another city with her, he ended the relationship. When he told me this story he made a bizarre remark: "I almost ruined my marriage"... almost ruined?! He had an affair where he fell in love and he thinks he "almost ruined" his marriage? He told me this story the first time we were together, but I can't forget it.
Now this time he told me he was so happy that I had come to his life because there were things that he liked to feel that he thought he would never feel again... and I think he was referring to that affair he had.
Also, he didn't ask to be introduced to my new boss. He said he wanted to give him greetings from a mutual friend, and asked when did I think was the best time. I got suspicious and I think that made him mad. I think he is angry about that right now and that is why he is not calling me.
In the past he got angry at me because I told him I didn't want him working with me because I would feel uncomfortable and he thought I was being selfish not thinking about his situation. This is why I think he got angry AGAIN this time. He must be thinking I am ONLY thinking of myself.
I want to walk away, but I don't want as much drama as before. I don't want to mourn him again. I don't think I am in the same place I was before, but I have been anxiously awaiting his call because I feel he must have a bad impression of me. I know it is stupid, but it worries me.
How can I walk away and not feel stupid, and hurt, and ashamed of myself?
Can we chat?
Thank you for your words!