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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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Dr. L, I am worried. This guy texts and calls all the time.

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Dr. L,
I am worried.
This guy texts and calls all the time. He looks for me and behaves nicely. Still, I worry for his marital situation AND that he still talks about working in my department.
Right now there is a new boss, from the same country he is. This guy tells me that he wants to give him greetings from a mutual friend. I didn't care much for that but after thinking about it I started wondering if he is trying to reach out to this new boss to ask him if he would hire him. So the next time he mentioned it, I asked who the friend was and why did he know about this new boss. He said that they had very good friends in common but that I didn't need to worry because he was not going to mention me or say that he was going on my behalf. I said I was not worried at all and that I could actually introduce him to the new boss, to which he said that he would go at a time when I didn't know because he had his reasons.
Again, I worry he is using me to get information, or get hired, or who knows what. I worry that he is lying to me.
What do I feel, he seems to care for me... but I feel I am walking on eggshells sometimes. He knows it because he tries to control his temper and he actually tried to explain to me that sometimes he just feels his blood boils and that his explosions are out of his control. He asked for my advice on how to control himself.
I am worried!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Josie-Mod replied 1 year ago.
Hi, I am a Moderator for this topic. I sent your requested Professional a message to follow up with you here, when he is back online. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.
Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.
Hello,
Oh my this has become a terrible situation. I'm sorry this is happening. This guy just doesn't seem to be open and honest....and I can understand why you are worried that he is lying and what is real motives are with you, with his wife, on the job, and now with this new boss. He definately is used to "hiding" and "secrets" and that is never good.

I'm glad that he does treat you nicely at times...but when he talks about his blood "boiling" and about being "explosive" these are very serious behavioral problems. When he asks you for help to control his behavior..your best answer might be to get professional help!!! I'm just not sure that he would even listen to you if you did try to help him...but clearly his actions of lying, hiding, secrets, and his explosiveness and anger indicate that he has issues that need professional attention.

I keep worrying whether this guy is "safe" for you to have in your life. I know that you have strong feelings of love for him...but...he also scares you and you are unsure of his intentions. That he texts and calls all the time feels more like control to me rather than genuine caring.

Please let me know how you feel about my response.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

What should I do???


Yes, I have strong feelings but I am so afraid to get hurt!


Is it possible that he may love me?


My gut tells me he is married and not separated. I think he doesn't love his wife anymore but that she is the one that "brings the bacon", and that is why he stays. He may also be very comfortable in a marriage where he can easily have a mistress. It seems like a dysfunctional marriage to me, but I am not certain what is going on. I may be assuming the worse because I am afraid.


However, he seems to have changed only in one thing: he seems to value me more, like he knows I can walk away and doesn't want that to happen. But yes, texting and calling all the time feels a little like control (not that I don't want him to do it, is just that I feel that if I miss a call or text he could explode like he did before).


I also worry about our casual conversations about work... I try not to give too much information but... do you think he may want to harm me on purpose? I mean, if I tell him something he could use just to harm me, do you think he would do it? (I may be a little paranoid but so many secrets scare me! I wonder what else may I be missing?)


I think he got angry about me worrying about his potential conversation with my new boss... he may think I don't want him to get hired in my department... I don't know, I may be worrying too much but my past experience with him was so terrifying.


I think I came back to him because I am lonely, but I am not sure if my lack of trust in him will end up ruining everything. On the other hand, my mother (whom doesn't know I have a relationship with this guy) tells me she feels this guy is trying to use me. She always feels the worse about everyone that comes near so I don't know if she is right... but her words pound in my head.


Please talk to me!

Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.
Good Morning,
It seems to me from all that has happened in the past and is happening now that this is not a trustworthy man. That he is still married, that your relationship has always been a secret, that he wants to get hired, that he is explosive ... none of these are healthy. I don't think you can trust one word he says about his marriage...what reason would he have to tell you anything positive about it? He needs you to think it is a dysfunctional relationship so that he can justify why he is with you. No matter if having a mistress is acceptable in his culture or acceptable in his marriage...you deserve to be in an honest and open relationship...and he cannot or will not offer that to you.

I understand that you are lonely and that he takes away some of that loneliness. That is human nature to want to be loved and to belong. But....either you must accept this very limited relationship and accept that it will not lead to anything permanent or to any commitment or muster up the courage to say NO...and walk away.

Is he using you? Yes. As he is married then his legal and moral obligations are to his wife and children. You know he is not honoring these obligations. You know that he has portrayed his marriage as non-functional. But whether he has a good marriage or a bad one is not the point...he is not honoring his marital vows and, instead, he is using you to fill his sexual needs.

Is he using you? Yes. He badly wants a permanent job. And he has wormed his way into your good graces so that he can gain favor within the company. He harrassed you for months and months so that you would talk to him. He came into your department when he shouldn't have. And there were so many other instances where he would not let you alone. Now he is trying to manipulate his way into meeting with your new boss! The goal here has always been the same...to get hired.

You wrote that he values you more. Perhaps the stakes are bigger now...perhaps he knows that if he mistreats you that he will lose any chance he has at getting a job. He thought before that he would have no problem getting hired..and that was not true was it! He may see you as the only real "ticket" he has to staying in the company.

Does he love you? His understanding of that word and your understanding of that word are 2 very different things. Certainly he may "love" how kind and loving you are. He may "love" how competent you are and how well you have done in your career. But this is not the kind of love you are talking about...nor the kind of love that you truly need to feel fulfilled as a woman and partner.

You wrote that you don't know if your lack of trust will end up ruining everything...
Honestly...what is their to "ruin" - he is married, you have a secret affair, he can offer you and your son no commitment to a life together. In addition..he is volatile and explosive...his motivates are unclear...at times he terrifies you...he has the potential to harm you personally and professionally....

Right now you are entwined with him...personally and professionally...he knows too much about you...he has too much access to you...This is not a safe or healthy position to be in with him.

And absolutely talking about work is a very dangerous thing. You must remember that he is a master manipulator and that he has his own goals and objectives. You are not a "couple" working towards a common goal. He is a selfish man and very comfortable at using other people to get what he wants.

I am sorry to be so blunt..but there are far too many things that are unhealthy here. You are blinded by your own heart...and, yes, I do think you are missing things or just don't want to see them. Love can be a wonderful thing...and you certainly do deserve to be loved and to be in a healthy, caring, respectful and laughter filled relationship.

I will look for your response.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L,


Don't worry about being blunt. I need to hear the truth.


I wish we could chat because I really feel so bad today.


 


He has not called me since we spoke about that meeting with my new boss. I saw him in the hallways by coincidence. He was talking to some guy I don't know so I simply said "Hi, Happy New Year". He responded "Didn't we say Happy New Year already?", I answered "Maybe we did".


I was trying to act like I didn't know him. He tried to remind me we had been together during new year's eve. He was smiling and I acted normal. Still, after that encounter he did not visit me at my office nor did he call. I don't know what is going on... but in the past, every time we had a tiny argument he would not call me until I got desperate, so I guess he is playing the same game. That is why I acted as if nothing was happening when I saw him. I didn't text him when I was leaving either as I usually do.


 


To be honest, I was never completely convinced about reconnecting with him, but you are right, I fear him a little... so I played along.


 


When I read your response I decided not to make myself available to him until he confronted me and I could tell him that we want different things, but he is the one not calling right now... although I think he will at some point.


 


Dr. L, I know you have never seen me but I am a very attractive woman. I am alone because I work like a horse and when I am off I dedicate the time to my son's activities. I don't have many chances to meet men... but believe me, I am quite desirable, is not like he is making me any favors, and is not like I am so desperate for someone to look at me that I would take anyone. I know this is not what is important but I really think he likes me... the problem is that aside from that, I think he wants to get from me everything he can (which is what bothers me).


 


Let me clarify some things: he didn't tell me his marriage was dysfunctional, I assume it is because I am not the first "secret affair". He told me that 5 years ago he had an extramarital affair with a woman he fell in love with. They were together for about a year, and when she asked him to move to another city with her, he ended the relationship. When he told me this story he made a bizarre remark: "I almost ruined my marriage"... almost ruined?! He had an affair where he fell in love and he thinks he "almost ruined" his marriage? He told me this story the first time we were together, but I can't forget it.


Now this time he told me he was so happy that I had come to his life because there were things that he liked to feel that he thought he would never feel again... and I think he was referring to that affair he had.


 


Also, he didn't ask to be introduced to my new boss. He said he wanted to give him greetings from a mutual friend, and asked when did I think was the best time. I got suspicious and I think that made him mad. I think he is angry about that right now and that is why he is not calling me.


 


In the past he got angry at me because I told him I didn't want him working with me because I would feel uncomfortable and he thought I was being selfish not thinking about his situation. This is why I think he got angry AGAIN this time. He must be thinking I am ONLY thinking of myself.


 


I want to walk away, but I don't want as much drama as before. I don't want to mourn him again. I don't think I am in the same place I was before, but I have been anxiously awaiting his call because I feel he must have a bad impression of me. I know it is stupid, but it worries me.


 


How can I walk away and not feel stupid, and hurt, and ashamed of myself?

Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.
Hello,
Thanks for writing...and for clarifying those pieces about his marriage and your new boss.

How you can walk away and not feel stupid and hurt and ashamed is by accepting that you are human! There is not one single person on this entire earth who always and forever makes good decisions and is 100% in control of their life!

What do you have to feel stupid about? He's had an affair before...you thought your relationship would be different and that he would love you, respect you, treat you well. How did you know that he would have an explosive temper, that his motivation would not be entirely honorable, that he would harrass you as he has? So you missed some clues...you overlooked some things...you trusted him when you shouldn't have. Is this normal? Very much so. We fall in love...or think we have fallen in love...and logic goes out the window. You must face the fact that you are human.

Hurt. Yes...there will be some pain here as you untangle from him. But you have learned and you have mourned him in the past...and this time will be somewhat different. The pain will likely come from thinking you should have tried harder to resist him and from knowing that - at least in the short term - you will be alone again. But you must face the fact that you are human and that you took a risk or gamble to find love.

Ashamed of yourself. Shame comes from believing that you cannot possibly change....that you are somehow flawed. But this is not at all true. You have the capacity to change .... you can say No to him and work to be in healthier relationships. So...you were lonely...he came around...he convinced you to see him...you agreed and one thing led to another...You are human.

And why do you care what he thinks of you? Why does he matter? What should matter is how you feel about you! You are giving him far too much control over your life and far too much of you. He does not control the rising of the sun and its setting...stop giving him the power to control your feelings and your sense of self.

I am here and able to chat.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Dr. L,


Hi!


 


Can we chat?


 


How?


 


Thank you for your words!

Expert:  Dr. L replied 1 year ago.
HI,
To chat...we are going to have to be in the chat format. We are in Question and Answer format now.
What you will have to do is to write a new question in the Chat format.

Be sure to put my name at the beginning of the question so it will come to me.

I will wait for the new question to come on the screen.
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1165
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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