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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Im a gay man of 25, my ex is 21. We met when he was 18. Me

Customer Question

Im a gay man of 25, my ex is 21. We met when he was 18. Me and my ex were in a relationship for nearly 3 years, he was very head over heels when we first met and would always devote his time and affections onto me. Slowly things cooled off, his feelings changed, however we continued a very intimate and close relationship, spending our time together even though looking back his feelings were going. There was never really a sudden 'break up' he told me one day that he just thought we should start seeing other people. About 4 months ago I discovered he had been on a few dates with someone, and that this other person was moving nearer the area soon. I felt very hurt and betrayed, because he had not told me about this. He said he loved me very deeply but was not in love with me and wanted to continue as best friends, we are still having sex too (yes all safe, I know...but I feel ok with this as we do have a close bond).

The dates with this guy did not work out, mainly due to me being in my exs life, however they have become close friends since he moved down and he seems to see this guy as much as me now. The main thing is I am not sure I am any longer getting what I want out of our friendship, I keep threatening to cut contact, however I find it hard as we do love and care about each other deeply, we just argue these days, usually caused by me and my feelings of dis trust, but I find although he wants to keep me in his life, he is continually shelving me, or only seeing me briefly, so he can then spend time with this other guy, and other friends. Whilst i would like to genuinely keep contact on the basis of being best friends, I feel maybe he is only keeping me around for his own reasons, for security, rather than my benefit. Thats how it feels at least, he makes no effort when I try to talk to him about how I feel. I just dont feel like a genuine best friend to him, despite what he says, I just feel like a convenience in his life. Is it time to sever all contact?

He says he still has feelings for me, however I just do not believe this to be true. Yes he loves me deeply, but isnt in love. I feel the same. I would like to fall back in love though with him, but until we start talking this will not happen. He says he intends to carry on dating, as am I, although he does make jealous remarks about my dates with other people. I think what I need is to know WHY he wants me in his life, as Im sure even he doesnt know at the moment.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

It seems that your romance has cooled and your friend may just be in a time of indecision.

However, this is very painful for you, and for him both.

You are closely bonded (and having sex reinforces this), but you no longer have a sense of commitment which is what hurts the most, and what you would really want to restore.

If you both deeply care for each other and there is going to be a faithful monogamous future for you (which is what you want, and he does too, it seems, as indicated by his jealousy), then you have to change your approach.

Best friends, or partly in your life is not enough. Right now you do not have the option of demanding a monogamous relationship.

Therefore, I recommend a clean and total break, not in anger, and with a few words or a letter, but a clean and total disconnect. Tell him that he cannot meet your needs of having a monogamous and committed relationship, and you have to cut it off.

This will be painful for you and will be hard to achieve. You must be strong.

If he is truly committed to you then he will realize that he is and he will come back to you a man sobered by his love and need for you.

If he is not, then he will move on.

This is the best way to move forward. You will either achieve total closure and ending, or you will move to a higher level in your relationship.

I know you will be tempted to "fall off the wagon" like a recovering alcoholic or other addict, but you are well advised to remain strong.

Right now you cannot say why he wants you in his life, but if it is just to be a placeholder or one of his buddies, then this is not enough for you.

Let hims go and if he truly can't be without you he will come back with full commitment.

Anything less is too painful and not what you want in this relationship.

I wish you great courage and strength, and a truly blessed new year.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thanks. I really think he is not 'in love' with me though,. Just loves me, and therefore cutting him out I would lose him, which is probably why I have not done this. BUT you are right, as I am not happy as it stands in the relationship and staying in it isnt helping. I guess I am scared of losing the OPTION of having him as a best friend, but this is all just speculation and I guess everyone has to cut their losses in life.


 


Thank you for your help

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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