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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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Im currently breaking-up with my wife, and she hasnt taking

Customer Question

I'm currently breaking-up with my wife, and she hasn't taking it well at all. It's been on the cards for sometime now. We've been through this before and I always get talked around and find myself giving it another go only to return to how it was months later. This time I need to do this, but I really don't want to hurt her again and again. What are the emotional stages that I will encounter if I remain strong ? We own our house and we will need to sell to get monies to allow us to move forward. Do I move out and would this help ? Although I have no relatives to fall back on.. Never done this before and find myself quite depressed...
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

Please give me a moment while I read through your question carefully and prepare an excellent answer for you. I shall respond very soon. Regards, Karin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Your in America, I didn't realise I thought this was UK based and we have different laws etc...
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there again, (I've just picked up your message, JA have experts working all over, I am UK based, but law based questions can be put to one of the UK law experts anyway, so nothing to worry about there)...

Please find my response to you below:

I'm sorry that you are going through this at the moment, it cannot be easy for neither of you. You say that this has been on the cards for a while and that you have made several attempts to try and make a go of things, that you've tried to do what you can and it still hasn't worked. Breaking up with your wife may resemble a loss in your life and in hers. You may experience a range of emotions as will she - but the emotions you go through may be different and may vary in their levels. You may have experienced anger already - both at her and at yourself; she may be experiencing this much more extremely than you. You might feel guilty (I'm uncertain of the reason for your break up, but with you instigating it, you may well have already felt this and continue to do so).
Be aware that break ups are like losses and like grieving over something/someone. You have to let go, you have to start moving on, but for you it may be the case of HOW you go about this. You may have to write out what it is that you need to organise in order to go: i.e.. the house, bills, etc.. If you move out- is she likely to become difficult and prolong selling of the house? You may well want to get some legal advice on this before you take the step of leaving the house, as this is a big part of emotionally and physically (and symbolically) letting go and moving on.
You sound as though you've tried hard to resolve matters but without much success. I wonder if you still love her and have already given couple counselling a go or whether its too far gone for this level of talking and trying to make it work?
Here are some links for you to consider if you felt you need professional support either individually or to consider as a couple:

Relate
http://www.relate.org.uk/home/index.html

BACP
http://www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists/

Additionally, your level of depressed feelings and thoughts sound fairly normal for someone going through this, however it would be sensible to go and talk with your GP who may suggest other forms of support and also may be able to offer you counselling (short term) through the surgery - again, just options for you to consider, a counsellor could help yo tank through strategies to help you manage the break up.

You sound as though you have been strong already. The key is to remain consistent in how you deal with things. Write some things out and then think about how you can work through each one. If your wife is of the understanding nature, you could talk her through this and express that the relationship just isn't working no matter how hard you've tried to work on it and that it may be time for you both to let go. I'm sure she'll be hurt and upset but you have to keep reminding yourself that you're doing this to make it easier long term on your both. I hope this response was helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further.

Kind regards, Karin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
The love has died on my behalf for a long long time, and I kept telling myself that I should make this marriage work, and that it's my fault. Now she's telling me that I've ruined her life and started on her job, poor finances. It is me that kept this together. Example six years ago she got into debt £12k on credit cards, behind my back and when the news eventually broke, I had to pay all that money off for her. I have really really tried with this marriage and now I need out. Why am I the one that is the bad person, I must be weak.
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
You don't sound weak at all, you sound strong - you have shown strong resolve and have made efforts to correct and deal with the consequences of her behaviour of getting into debt. You said it yourself, you've tried to make this marriage work. Like I said in my previous answer to you, if you wanted, you could pursue counselling - it may from what you've said, be too late for relationship counselling, but individual counselling would still be an option for you, couldn't it?
You need to begin to build your life back up and it sounds to me as though you know that this isn't going to happen with this marriage breakdown. If the love (and trust) has well and truly died then you would be lying to yourself if you didn't start to sort things out and move forward. You are not the bad person - neither one of you need to be labelled as such either, your relationship hasn't worked out - that's it. I do hope my responses have been helpful, however please don't hesitate to come back to me if you need any further clarification. If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further.
Kind regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She has now started to talk about getting a solicitor involved when I wanted to try and complete the separation amicably, I have explained that we will both lose out financially. Now I've been told that I have let her whole family down and they will pursue me financially, they could break-me. We're two days into the news breaking and is this a normal emotional step that my wife will take. I'm trying my best to stop this turning nasty. Please could you give me guidance on seeking a counsellor I need help as I'm on my own and it's a lonely place to be.
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
You sound as though you're really trying to sort this without it getting confrontational. Your wife's family will inevitably try and defend her and whatever she does. She too, will try and get whatever she can as this protects her and her future, but it shouldn't be at the cost of you and your financial security. You need to stay strong and if you can go private, the BACP website will have counsellors who will live locally to wherever you want (work/home area) so have a look at that, here's the link again:

BACP
http://www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists/

Have a search, put your postcode in and it'll come up with counsellors, look for counsellors who have extensive experience and those with specialties around couples work/relationship work (they will have regularly worked with such issues).

Really, at this point it's about helping you to stay strong and manage the fallout of her family's reactions too. It borders on bullying if they're saying they will come after you financially but stay strong. Perhaps, if you feel it could help, make an appointment to see a solicitor and also you could check out the UK law section here with JA - for any legal questions. On a practical point, keep a diary of anything you feel is bullyish behaviour from her family. I guess, it'd be about making a case against your wife. We seem to have moved a little from your original question as it feels more like her emotions are clearly of anger and wanting to hurt you back and of you protecting yourself emotionally, psychologically and trying to remain under the roof of your shared home for now.
Do come back if you need further assistance or if you have new questions, just put "For Karin..." At the start of any new questions and I shall pick it up. Take care and I wish you nothing but peace for this New Year.
Regards, Karin

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