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jadt65
jadt65, Multisystemic Therapy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 119
Experience:  Provided relationship counseling for more than 20 years for people in every stage of life.
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my daughter is feeling very sad, shes afraid her boyfriend

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my daughter is feeling very sad, she's afraid her boyfriend has lost interest (over the last few days). i have talked to her about how it's unlikely he would suddenly lose interest, that it's an emotional time of year, but she doesn't find any help in that. i don't know what else to say. if i say he's a jerk she defends him, if i say he's just busy with something else she tells me i've always told her to follow her gut. if i tell her she'll find out tomorrow night she says that doesn't help her now. i don't know how to help her.

jadt65 :

Hi, Welcome to Just Answer

jadt65 :

It is difficult to see out children hurting, especially when it has to do woth significant others'

jadt65 :

It sounds like she is having a difficult time letting anything about her boyfried...you have been saying the "right things"

jadt65 :

It seems like thr thing to do is just be there for her...maybe do somethign to take her mind off her boyfriend.

jadt65 :

How does that sound to you?

Customer:

she is not interested in 'small talk', and it's 'being there' that i'm having trouble with. i have told her i would phone her back as she was upset when our conversation had long pauses, as i ran out of things to say.

jadt65 :

So she is not in the home with you?

Customer:

no she lives across town

jadt65 :

Have you tried using open ended questions to try to get her to talk?

Customer:

like what?

jadt65 :

Sometimes daughters have a difficult time hearing anything moms have to say in these situations

jadt65 :

What is going to happen tomorrow night?

jadt65 :

What do you like about him?

Customer:

well, she calls me when she's sad. tomorrow night is new years eve and they're going out.

jadt65 :

I would reinforce that that is a good sign...if he was losing interest, he would not be taking her out. Where are they going?

jadt65 :

What can she do tonight to get ready for tomorrow?

Customer:

i have not met him. she dated him earlier this year, then they broke up and he has come back and wants to date her. they both belong to a philanthropic organization and there is an event tomorrow. it was where they were going to 'go public' with their relationship.

jadt65 :

Well, is the plan to still go public with the relationship?

Customer:

he hasn't called her so they haven't spoken about it. she won't call him as she considers this a 'test'. they will meet at the event tomorrow.

jadt65 :

Seems a little like mutual game playing.... Have you asked her what she is doing to get ready for the event?

Customer:

do you mean what is she wearing or how is she helping with the org

Customer:

oops - he was to call her today to arrange for her to help him organize for the event and he hasn't called.

jadt65 :

Both seem like good open-ended questions to me....shift the focus on to her and the event. That is something she has some control over. At this point she has little to no control about what her date is going to do. Hmm...that missed call does not sound good.

Customer:

i need to call her now, i will have to get back to you.

jadt65 :

okay

jadt65 :

I will check back in a bit to see how things went.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.


he called her tonight and was still distant, didn't need help and she felt no relief. she didn't want to talk about it anymore but we're meeting for lunch tomorrow.

Well, it is a good sign that he called. Are they still meeting at the event?

Tomorrow, at lunch, I would keep the conversation focused on her...the good she is doing for the organization, ect. Part of her anxiety is likely related to the fact she has little control over what he is doing.
jadt65 and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

did you get my last response and question?


 

Hi,

No, I did not receive your last response and question. If you can re-send, I will be happy to assist you further.

Thank you for accepting the answer and the bonus.

Best,

Julie

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
hi, last night in the message that got lost i told you that they had been dating in the spring and he became distant and after a week told her he didn't want more children (has a 9yr old daughter) and was looking forward to his independence once she grew up. they continued to see each other at the events and it was very hard on Jill. he wanted to keep the friendship and they spent some time together walking their dogs. then just over a month ago he told her he had had an 'epiphany'. he had lost 2 friends to cancer and his father and mother both had health challenges. he said he didn't want to spend his life without a partner and had always wanted a large family and had spoken with his xwife and his business partner about it and he wanted jill back in his life, knowing she wants to have children. his current 'distancing' is the same pattern he followed when he originally broke up with her. tonight their plan was to take their relationship 'public' to the rest of the organization. jill's father was controlling and manipulative (he 3 times didn't speak to her for 1 to 3 years because she didn't phone him when he wanted (and i didn't 'make' her) so she is sensitive to abandonment. i am going to lunch with her today and will try to keep the conversation focused on her and on things she can control. my question regards my signing up for a free week. is there anything i need to do other than click that i wanted the free week?

Hi,

As far as the subscription issue, I believe clicking the button to indicate you want the free week is all that you have to do.

As far as the additional information, it sounds like the boyfriend is experiencing a certain amount of conflict and turmoil with losing people in his life and then making the decision have a larger family. I would expect that he is going to take an approach/avoidance stance to the relationship for awhile. This is likely to trigger your daughters issues with abandonment. The best thing you can do is assure her that you will be there for her no matter what and avoid criticism of the boyfriend. She might perceive any criticism of him negatively.

Hope that helps.

Best,

Julie

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

There's one more step. You have already paid for an earlier answer you rated in this question-and-answer chain. To rate another answer, you will need to pay an additional CA$15.


when i rated the service i got this screen. this is confusing - i thought i signed up for a free week.

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