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Ask Cathy Your Own Question

Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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Good morning! I have been dating a man on and off for around

Resolved Question:

Good morning!
I have been dating a man on and off for around 21 months. I am 46 with 4 kids (3 girls live w me) he is 57, lives alone, divorced has no kids. 8 yrs of sobriety from alcohol.
We had a short break-up recently, he gave me back my things with a note that read "To: XXXXX XXXXX woman I love"
I drove to his place the next day and he was bedding his ex girlfriend.
A week later he and I try to patch things up.
Today, after we woke up at his place we both had some work to do. I asked him to create a guest acct on his laptop. This made his VERY uncomfortable. He claimed because he is an attorney.... Of course as a guest I can not see his things....
I left angry. He asked me not to push him away, I responded with "You are the one pushing me away." Mistrust and lies are a deal breaker.
Thank you for your help
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 1 year ago.

Cathy :

Hi and thanks for writing JA

Cathy :

are you here?

Cathy :

Hi are you online?

Customer:

Good morning!

Cathy :

Hi good morning to you as well and thanks for writing.

Cathy :

I have read your post.

Cathy :

I have a choice here and that is to tell you something to comfort you (what you might wish to hear) or to tell you what I think

Cathy :

which do you wish for?

Customer:

Well, I am sure you are going to tell me something I already know and that is...he is hiding something. The attorney claim is just that (keeping in mind he has maybe 5 clients as he is semi-retired)

Customer:

We have been exclusive all of the 21 months...minus the last months-which he keeps trying to make amends for

Cathy :

Patti you are very smart and I wonder if you are here for validation on your fears

Customer:

Possibly. I can tell you that the break-up came close to breaking me... I never felt such pain

Cathy :

We are clearly having some technical problems here so let me say this.........as awful as it must sound.

Cathy :

I think you are committed and trusting and he is not. You are clearly smart and insightful so any man would adore you. Which leads me to asking why you almost fell apart when the "break up" idea came into play My guess is you do not see what the rest of us see in you.

Cathy :

I think any guy would love to have you.

Cathy :

Help me out with this one please.

Customer:

Wow. I have heard so many say that. I suppose I only hear the negative.

Cathy :

There ya go Patti

Cathy :

You are an honest and intelligent woman who commits to a relationship........in short a gem.

Customer:

Is it that he doesn't trust me, I can't trust him...or a mixture of the two? Probably the latter?

Cathy :

I think he is not aware of how good he has it and he has such low self esteem that he is not sure he deserves you.........and no I do not hold out hope he will change and YES YES YES I would love you to find someone who appreciates you and cherishes you.

Customer:

Me too! He says all the right loving things...then something like this comes up and I feel like I was hit head-on

Cathy :

You know Patti, I once had this great professor, years ago in grad school and he was just so so smart and he told us

Cathy :

People say all kinds of things but in the final equation they "do" exactly what they wish to do

Cathy :

so my thoughts are that you must make a choice based on his actions and not his words

Customer:

Which is why I asked him to define what he means when he says he loves me...he said he loved my that Sat I found him with his ex.

Customer:

His actions lately have been loving-minus this...it seems so murky

Cathy :

okay so there ya go girl

Customer:

so, I need to walk away, and try to heal?

Customer:

my divorce of 20 yrs was easier

Cathy :

I wonder if he is holding onto you because he is so unsure of himself and yea, I would advise you to walk away which I know hurts like all heck

Cathy :

I think you deserve someone honest and cherishing

Cathy :

and it hurts like all hell because he was not honest with you or himself and you do not seem to me the type of person who would do that

Cathy :

I think this is so painful in part because he was not honest with you

Cathy :

and I imagine that has you swirling

Cathy :

as I would be as well

Customer:

I don't know if I have the tools to do this. and if this were my daughters going through this I would grab them...

Cathy :

You would grab them and hold them so closely and so lovingly and so compassionately

Customer:

looking me in the eye, saying he loves me...he has been buying me things I need, installing lights, groceries etc...

Cathy :

because that is the stuff you are made of

Customer:

my daughters? Yes, try to wake them from this...I don't have that person anylonger-my sister would have held my hand...she committed suicide 3 yrs ago

Cathy :

I so wish, I wish so much I could give you a different answer Patti

Customer:

I don't sleep, eat, my housework isnt getting done. I am taking Sam-E but it isn't helping

Customer:

me too

Cathy :

I am shocked and saddened by this bit of news

Cathy :

You would not even consider suicide would you?

Cathy :

You know it solves nothing and only harms survivors......You know this right?

Customer:

no, but I would concider staying in bed until the sun comes up 10 yrs from now

Cathy :

LOL

Customer:

:)

Cathy :

You know I see hundreds of clients every year in my practice and I sure do know who I am working with fairly quickly

Cathy :

so this is what I can say to you

Cathy :

the "gold standard" in psychiatry is ninety days.........so give him three months to shape up or ship out and make some ultimatums or let him go girl and find someone who appreciates you

Cathy :

My wish is that you let go because I think you are one very giving lady

Cathy :

but if you choose to stay so be it

Customer:

I don't know what an ultimatum would even be?

Customer:

btw...I wish you were in the MI area..

Cathy :

My ultimatum to him would be to knock it off and be monagomous

Customer:

lol

Cathy :

and stop contacting ex girlfriends and I would let him know this in no uncertain terms

Cathy :

I would say to his face, it is ME or the curb. Take it or leave it.

Customer:

I think that was the only time...who the heck knows. I work w a great group of docs (I am a trauma nurse) and honestly, they all want me to break it off. Hell, I won't even tell them I am back with him

Customer:

Im answering my own question aren't I?

Cathy :

Okay then Patti I am validating their opinions as well. I wish you would decide to leave him and find someone in your league and I do not believe this guy is worthy of you

Cathy :

at the same time, like you, I am human so I know how hard this is

Customer:

alright. I am hearing you.

Cathy :

It will be hard girl

Customer:

I appreciate your time and value your straight shooting approach

Customer:

It has been hard-I have tried 4 times

Cathy :

but ya know if you do not leave him how will you meet the one who loves you as you should be loved.

Cathy :

okay, drop me a line in two months and let me know how you are doing, sooner if you need to.

Cathy :

I will keep you in my thoughts Patti.

Customer:

Thank you-This is my first time here...how do I contact you?

Cathy :

Just write in the header for Cathy.

Customer:

easy! Thank you and Happy New Year to you

Cathy :

Stay strong and keep yourself safe Patti.

Cathy :

I agree with your colleagues Patti. I think you deserve someone as wonderful as you. C

Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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