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Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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My boyfriend and I have a great relationship that started as

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My boyfriend and I have a great relationship that started as a friendship in which I mAde it clear that I did not want him "in that way" at all and that he was not my type in order to keep him at a distance because I was mourning the loss of a previous relationship. He said it took him almost a year to keep himself from wanting me. He had mentally made me "one of the guys"

Now we have started dating. In a matter of three months we have both fallen very fast for each other. We have discussed topics such as moving in, marriage, kids,etc. that have been initiated equally between the two of us.

The problem is that he can not in good faith follow through on these things because he can not get passed our lack luster sexual encounters. He says he is very attracted to me, I'm amazing, and everything he has ever wanted, but he feels awkward when we have sex. He postulates it is because he had to quell his sexual desire when we were friends and now he can not think of me in a sexual way. He does not want to commit to a relationship further than what it is now because he is afraid he would cheat on me because of his strong sexual drive. Is there any hope in fixing this mental block?!

Cathy :

Hi and thank you for writing JA

Cathy :

I have read your post, happy to work with you, are you here>

Customer: Yes
Cathy :

Hi and so nice to see you

Customer: Hello
Cathy :

You know this post is very confusing to me.

Customer: In what way?
Cathy :

He seems to like you well enough but the sexual piece is lacking

Cathy :

and that worries me a bit

Customer: Me too
Cathy :

I am just not buying his explanation

Cathy :

so I am struggling with an answer for you

Cathy :

I have a really hard time with his response

Customer: Why do you not buy his explanation?
Cathy :

It does not ring true for me, is there more you wish to share on this?

Customer: What kind I extra information would you like?
Cathy :

Oh I suppose it would be more from you if that is okay>

Cathy :

are you grossly overweight>?

Customer: No
Cathy :

something that would turn him off?

Cathy :

Okay

Customer: He is physically attracted to me, he considers this a completely mental issue. He is adamant it has nothing to do with my physical attractiveness.
Cathy :

By the way I hated asking you that

Cathy :

Yep I think so too

Cathy :

I think he has a problem about this and I am not sure what you can do about this

Cathy :

it is really his problem you see

Customer: Any suggestions on helping that?
Cathy :

Oh my

Cathy :

I would say that he has to rally, not you

Customer: But how does he do that?
Cathy :

and I would also say be so careful not to take his problem personally

Cathy :

I think perhaps he should be ther person writing and not you

Cathy :

He has an issue here and I cannot tell what that might be

Cathy :

it is his issue, not yours

Cathy :

do you see?

Customer: If he was here, what would you say to him?
Customer: Yes. I see that. But consider me an advocate for his issue
Cathy :

I would ask him what he feared? because I think sexual intimacy is about trust and I would want to know what he feared

Cathy :

I would explore that with him

Cathy :

so I could help him to overcome that fear and move forward

Customer: I see.
Cathy :

Do you have any idea about what drives him?

Cathy :

You know this is tough

Cathy :

he is a nice enough guy that you are attracted and attached to him but at the same time

Cathy :

it is so peculiar that he is not able to be intimate and in my practice I would say

Cathy :

wait and see

Customer: I have already concluded the same things you have. My thoughts about his fears range from a failed marriage in which he was miserable and forced into the situation from a Christian/religious perspective
Cathy :

Okay

Cathy :

I agree with you

Customer: I suspect he feels I may be judge mental and has admitted to being self conscious at times
Cathy :

but here is the thing, you are one nice woman and you deserve some intimacy and

Cathy :

oh my

Cathy :

okay

Cathy :

I see

Customer: i am also 6 years his senior and I am very independent as far as women go...
Cathy :

Bless you girl

Cathy :

I have to go with the gold standard on this which is ninety days

Cathy :

that is a rule we mental health professionals use to test out a situation

Cathy :

can you give this ninety days before making up your mind?

Customer: Ok. And in that time should I leave him be to figure things on his own? Make suggestions? Keep having sex with him?
Cathy :

I would stay with him and just wait three months to see how it goes

Cathy :

and I am pretty sure things will improve in the romance department

Customer: You're the boss. Sounds like a fair idea...
Cathy :

I think he has trust issues and that is his problem

Cathy :

I am so not the boss

Cathy :

but totally in your court

Cathy :

do you love him yet?

Customer: Thank you. Absolutely. I would marry the poor bastard if he gave me the chance.
Cathy :

LOL you are one smart chick

Cathy :

but here is the thing

Cathy :

give him ninety days to come around

Cathy :

and if he does not

Cathy :

rethink the whole relationship and continue to be "independent you"

Customer: I hear you.
Cathy :

you are one very bright lady and I think you can pretty much find a guy

Cathy :

who will appreciate you

Cathy :

very smart lady

Customer: Thank you for your help
Cathy :

It has been my pleasure and do me a favor, and at no charge, let me know how this goes for you?

Cathy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you