How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Cathy Your Own Question

Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
25773729
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Cathy is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship that started as

Resolved Question:

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship that started as a friendship in which I mAde it clear that I did not want him "in that way" at all and that he was not my type in order to keep him at a distance because I was mourning the loss of a previous relationship. He said it took him almost a year to keep himself from wanting me. He had mentally made me "one of the guys"

Now we have started dating. In a matter of three months we have both fallen very fast for each other. We have discussed topics such as moving in, marriage, kids,etc. that have been initiated equally between the two of us.

The problem is that he can not in good faith follow through on these things because he can not get passed our lack luster sexual encounters. He says he is very attracted to me, I'm amazing, and everything he has ever wanted, but he feels awkward when we have sex. He postulates it is because he had to quell his sexual desire when we were friends and now he can not think of me in a sexual way. He does not want to commit to a relationship further than what it is now because he is afraid he would cheat on me because of his strong sexual drive. Is there any hope in fixing this mental block?!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 1 year ago.

Cathy :

Hi and thank you for writing JA

Cathy :

I have read your post, happy to work with you, are you here>

Customer: Yes
Cathy :

Hi and so nice to see you

Customer: Hello
Cathy :

You know this post is very confusing to me.

Customer: In what way?
Cathy :

He seems to like you well enough but the sexual piece is lacking

Cathy :

and that worries me a bit

Customer: Me too
Cathy :

I am just not buying his explanation

Cathy :

so I am struggling with an answer for you

Cathy :

I have a really hard time with his response

Customer: Why do you not buy his explanation?
Cathy :

It does not ring true for me, is there more you wish to share on this?

Customer: What kind I extra information would you like?
Cathy :

Oh I suppose it would be more from you if that is okay>

Cathy :

are you grossly overweight>?

Customer: No
Cathy :

something that would turn him off?

Cathy :

Okay

Customer: He is physically attracted to me, he considers this a completely mental issue. He is adamant it has nothing to do with my physical attractiveness.
Cathy :

By the way I hated asking you that

Cathy :

Yep I think so too

Cathy :

I think he has a problem about this and I am not sure what you can do about this

Cathy :

it is really his problem you see

Customer: Any suggestions on helping that?
Cathy :

Oh my

Cathy :

I would say that he has to rally, not you

Customer: But how does he do that?
Cathy :

and I would also say be so careful not to take his problem personally

Cathy :

I think perhaps he should be ther person writing and not you

Cathy :

He has an issue here and I cannot tell what that might be

Cathy :

it is his issue, not yours

Cathy :

do you see?

Customer: If he was here, what would you say to him?
Customer: Yes. I see that. But consider me an advocate for his issue
Cathy :

I would ask him what he feared? because I think sexual intimacy is about trust and I would want to know what he feared

Cathy :

I would explore that with him

Cathy :

so I could help him to overcome that fear and move forward

Customer: I see.
Cathy :

Do you have any idea about what drives him?

Cathy :

You know this is tough

Cathy :

he is a nice enough guy that you are attracted and attached to him but at the same time

Cathy :

it is so peculiar that he is not able to be intimate and in my practice I would say

Cathy :

wait and see

Customer: I have already concluded the same things you have. My thoughts about his fears range from a failed marriage in which he was miserable and forced into the situation from a Christian/religious perspective
Cathy :

Okay

Cathy :

I agree with you

Customer: I suspect he feels I may be judge mental and has admitted to being self conscious at times
Cathy :

but here is the thing, you are one nice woman and you deserve some intimacy and

Cathy :

oh my

Cathy :

okay

Cathy :

I see

Customer: i am also 6 years his senior and I am very independent as far as women go...
Cathy :

Bless you girl

Cathy :

I have to go with the gold standard on this which is ninety days

Cathy :

that is a rule we mental health professionals use to test out a situation

Cathy :

can you give this ninety days before making up your mind?

Customer: Ok. And in that time should I leave him be to figure things on his own? Make suggestions? Keep having sex with him?
Cathy :

I would stay with him and just wait three months to see how it goes

Cathy :

and I am pretty sure things will improve in the romance department

Customer: You're the boss. Sounds like a fair idea...
Cathy :

I think he has trust issues and that is his problem

Cathy :

I am so not the boss

Cathy :

but totally in your court

Cathy :

do you love him yet?

Customer: Thank you. Absolutely. I would marry the poor bastard if he gave me the chance.
Cathy :

LOL you are one smart chick

Cathy :

but here is the thing

Cathy :

give him ninety days to come around

Cathy :

and if he does not

Cathy :

rethink the whole relationship and continue to be "independent you"

Customer: I hear you.
Cathy :

you are one very bright lady and I think you can pretty much find a guy

Cathy :

who will appreciate you

Cathy :

very smart lady

Customer: Thank you for your help
Cathy :

It has been my pleasure and do me a favor, and at no charge, let me know how this goes for you?

Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
Cathy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Counselor
Cathy
Cathy
243 Satisfied Customers
Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice