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JaRee1993
JaRee1993, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 180
Experience:  I am a licensed Mental Health Counselor who does individual, group, relationships, family and pastoral counseling
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I have been with my girl friend now for just over nine years.

Resolved Question:

I have been with my girl friend now for just over nine years. We have had our ups and downs but we have always been very close friends as well as partners. I DO love her but am thinking of breaking up. We have recently been on a break and I have been living with a friend which was quite good for the relationship however now we are talking about me moving back in and I am not quite so sure. As I say we have had a good relationship although physically we have struggled at times as she has certain imtimacy issues which she has recently been trying really hard to work around. It is worth pointing out that my partner is the only person I have ever been with in all senses of the words and there is a part of me (now that I am more confident) that would like to be single again. I am also interesting in working and perhaps moving abroad something that I know she does not want. We also have dogs which we both love. I know that if I leave properly she will not be able to cope with both of them and the chances are she will have to rehome them which would affect her massively. Things were going well up to a week ago and I was looking forward to moving back in but ever since a Christmas party where I spent a long time chatting with a girl I have always liked at work (nothing happened or even came close to happening and wouldn happen as I know the feelings are not mutual and she is married) despite there being no chance of pursuing this other girl I have felt different about my partner since. I still love her very much but I am not sure I can see us being together forever and I know I have been rather distant for the past few days because I really don’t know what I feel. Either way I cant split with her now as her grandmother just died and it would be to much for her to handle. Also I know things aren’t good for her in lots of other areas at the moment and I really don’t want to hurt her. I do love her and maybe the feelings will come back so maybe I should keep trying to make things work when things are good they are good but I have so many doubts at the moment. Friends advise me to end the relationship but they are biased and don’t know her or what we are like when things are going well. Please help!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JaRee1993 replied 1 year ago.

JaRee1993 :

hELLO, MY NAME IS jA`rEE AND i AM A MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR.

JaRee1993 :

It sounds as though you are really struggling with what would be best for you and not wanting to hurt her. Am I correct in what I heard? I would like to talk with you further concerning your question. I will be online for most of the day if you would like to talk with me please just hit reply or reply to Ja`Ree and I will watch for you. Thank you for contacting Just Answer. Ja`Ree

Customer:

Hi, you are correct in what you heard. I really dont know what to do for the best!

JaRee1993 :

may I ask why you took the short break to begin with?

Customer:

Of course. We both sat down and argreed that things were not how we would like them and that we were not currently happy in the relationship. I moved out but we continued to see eachother and things seemed to go well. one day I asked what she wanted and she said she wanted to make things work. At the time I agreed but i'm not sure anymore.

JaRee1993 :

Have the two of you done any couples counseling to see if it is possible to work it out? Are there issues in the relationship that make you think you could not work it out, or are you just finding that you like being single?

JaRee1993 :

Might I also ask how old you both are?

Customer:

I think we could possibly work it out but I also know that part of me is pulled towards being single not just to meet other people but for the freedom to do other things like work abroad ect. I am 28 and she is 27 we got together at university at about 21(ish) I am a teacher of children with special needs and she is a dramatherapist.

Customer:

I need to pop out for about an hour to walk the dogs. Is it possible to continue the consultation when I return. Sorry to be a pain.

Customer:

is that okay?

JaRee1993 :

Abosolutly. I will watch for you

Customer:

thank you:-)

JaRee1993 :

I will send message just reply to me.

JaRee1993 :

I do understand what you are saying about the career and wanting to pursue working abroad. You are young and want to follow your dream. That is a positive thinng to do so that you do not look back with regrets later in life. It is difficult when you love someone whose dreams are different than yours. Love is not always enough. Do you know if you are "in love with her" or if you just "love her"? I will be waiting for your response. Ja`Ree

Customer:

Hi, I am back, thank you for waiting for me. I know exactly what you are saying, it feels like whatever I do there is the potential for some pretty big regrets. I's say that at the moment 'Love her' as opposed to being 'in love with her'

JaRee1993 :

I thought that might be the case. I'll be back with you in just a minute.

Customer:

thank you

JaRee1993 :

It is difficult to do what is best for us when we love someone and do not want to hurt them. However, we must look at the long term consequences of our choices; not just for us, but for the other person as well. You tell me she is a wonderful person, therefore she deserves someone who will be in love with her and share her dreams and you deserve the same thing. Does that make sense? Better some hurt now that you will both eventually move on from and find the right person for each of you, than a long period of unhappiness for both of you if you stay when you want to go.

Customer:

it makes totall sense and I completly agree, thank you for being so honest. I am just so unsure, maybe things could get better, I want to belive. I still dont know how to move forward if I did decide to end the relationship. I know I cant have this conversation with her now, it would hurt her too much just after her grandmother has past away (the funeral is tomorrow) I also worry alot about her practically if I go, she is trying to stat a business at the moment and things are not going so well, she would struggle for money and as silly as it sounds the dogs are a huge issue. I think she would struggle if she kept them and although I would want to help out financialy to begin with it is not something I could keep up with forever. I suppose its a case of being sure its the right thing to do and also doing it in the way that will cause the least pain?

JaRee1993 :

I understand what you are syaing and I appreciate that you care enough to not want to just walk away. If you were wanting out just to meet other people it would be a whole different thing. You are making a lot of sense with what you say and show a great deal of maturity in wanting to handle it in the right, least painful way. I agree with waiting a few weeks until she has come to deal with her loss. As far as her business and how she can make that go, we can never be responsibile for other's successes or failures. Not being cold, just know that when we do that we take on a lot of unneccessary guilt and become an enabler. I agree with heling out financially for a predetermined period of time. No matter when you do, or how you do it you will both have pain and need to grieve the loss, just as you would a death. You seem to be a wise young man, listen to your gut and you will know when and how to talk with her. Just know she is going to be hurt (as will you) and give her time and space to deal with it. Does this help you with your decision?

Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX help alot and completly understand. It will good to give it a few weeks as well just in case my feelings do change about the situation but also because it is the right thing to do. I am begining to come to terms with the fact that if I go through with this it will cause pain but that the pain will not last forever, I have not had to hurt anyone before and it scares the hell out of me. thank you for your advice regarding finances it does make me feel better about that part of the situation.

JaRee1993 :

It is truly my pleasure to be able to assit you in this. May I follow up with you in a couple of weeks to see how it is going with you?

Customer:

absolutley, I really appreciate that you have that interest. I shall sign of now but look forward to speaking with you in a few weeks.

JaRee1993 :

If my answers have helped you then please hit accept and complete satisifaction rating so that I can know how well I am assisting our customers. Thank you for contacting Just Answer. Ja`Ree

JaRee1993, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 180
Experience: I am a licensed Mental Health Counselor who does individual, group, relationships, family and pastoral counseling
JaRee1993 and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  JaRee1993 replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I just wanted to follow up and see if I can assist you further. I hope things are going well for you. I look forward to hearing back from you. Ja`Ree

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