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jadt65
jadt65, Multisystemic Therapy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 119
Experience:  Provided relationship counseling for more than 20 years for people in every stage of life.
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can a relationship be saved and turned around if there have

Resolved Question:

can a relationship be saved and turned around if there have been multiple breakups over the course of 2 years
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  jadt65 replied 1 year ago.

jadt65 :

Hi,

jadt65 :

It really depends on the reasons for the breakups and the amount of investment each person has in the relationship. I need to have a bit more information before I can provde you with an answer.

jadt65 :

You seem to be very invested in the relationship, as well as with your signficant other. What do you perceive her level of investment to be?

jadt65 :

What is the anture of the break ups and how long do they last?

jadt65 :

I am going to switch out of chat mode and into Q & A

jadt65 :

since you are offline.

jadt65 :

Once I have your response, i can give you a complete answer.

jadt65, Multisystemic Therapy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 119
Experience: Provided relationship counseling for more than 20 years for people in every stage of life.
jadt65 and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  jadt65 replied 1 year ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I'd have to say that investment in the relationship was very high on both ends. Overall we had been together for 2 and a half years. The first break up occurred after a year and so months. I had become overly needy and she pushed me away. I let her go as much as it hurt me and then I believe that I should try my best to make it work so I took some time for me and to read up on relationships and mainly how I could reattract her to me. About a month after the break up she initiated contact with me and told me how much she had missed, never stopped loving me, thought about me non stop and her life was so much better when I was a part of it (I FELT THE SAME WAY!! i was so happy she was back) and I had gained a lot of knowledge and we were better than ever. 6 months went that were amazing and then she had a friend that was a guy and I got jealous over him (knowing that it was the wrong thing to do of course) she distanced herself after one particular arguement over it and for a month she didn't act the same. I kept pulling for her affection and tried everything within my knowledge to keep things going right but it seemed that every move I made... even if it was in the right direction was having the opposite effect, in hindsight I believe she could sense that I was in needy desperation to fix things so she could see right behind was I was doing. Finally I blew up from frustration and confronted her about how things were going and that did no good at all and we ended up breaking up. Well I let her go again without trying to beg or plead. This time hit me harder than the last I thought for sure I had done everything I knew to do and that we were doomed. But I still loved her so much and wasn't ready to give up on hope. Another month went by and I had hoped she would call me or something but no call or text. I gave another two weeks and I intitiated contact first. I sent her a simple message on facebook saying that I hoped everything was good in her life and if she wanted to talk sometime call me. Two days later she calls me and we talk briefly and we said we'd meet up for coffee. She renigs on the coffee date and said she didn't know if she was ready, I texted her back telling her that was fine she should take her time. Well we never stopped texting from that point on, we kept texting for a week and we ended up talking just how we used to. Telling each other how much the other meant, laughing, making jokes, poking fun. One night she decides to have me over. We had sex the whole night and laid up and talked until 5. But she was very hesitant to get back together when I threw the idea out there because she was talking to another guy. I didn't want to screw anything up so I acted like that didn't completely rip my heart out. Of course I had a girl I was talking to off and on at the time as well (nothing serious) which drove my ex absolutely nuts (though I would've never guessed until she told my she saw a picture of me and that girl and destroyed her nice computer). After that night she went cold again, we didn't speak for a week and then one day we're back to talking like we had been. This was the dynamic of her trying to decide between me or him, until I told her that if she couldn't decide than she should pick him. I told her that her happiness meant a lot to me and if he made her happy she should pick him and leave me behind because I needed space away from that dynamic. We left at that for 2 weeks and she showed up at my house to my surprise (That sort of thing is just not her at all) She said she was passing by and really wanted to say hey. We laughed and smiled and looked into each others eyes the whole time catching up, finally I had to leave and I walked her to her car in the front yard and gaver her a hug. She held me so tight and started to cry... then the grip got harder and the cry turned to bawling. I looked her in the eyes and said to please not cry it absolutely breaks my heart when she cries. All she could say was she couldn't help it. So I brushed the tears from her eyes and kissed her with everything I had. She left and we said we would get together soon to talk. The next we did and she had dumped the guy she was talking to the minute I told her to leave me for him. We got back together and with the exception of a little hic up for about two weeks we were together for 8 months. She went to college about two and a half hours away about 4 months ago. I didn't know how to handle the distace between us. I pushed for more time for us, but the more pushy I got she just pulled away. Everytime we were together it was perfect, and I loved every second but it was so hard to overcome not seeing her. But then as I pushed the less effort she put into wanting to see me. So we ended things about a month ago, and heres where I stand. I love her, and I know she loves me. Still after everything I haven't lost hope... I pray she hasn't either. I'm still willing to make things work, however I can. I just need a leg to stand on. I need to know where I can start to fix whatever mistakes I've made by not repeating them... I want to finally make this stick. She was not only my girlfriend, she was my best friend, we mapped out our future together. I never saw a bigger smile on her face as when she put my last name on hers.

Expert:  jadt65 replied 1 year ago.

Hi, I just saw that you responded to the question. Please allow me a bit of time to read through your post so I can provide you with an answer.

Best,

Julie

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

That is totally fine, I'll be looking forward to your answer. If you need more information on the relationship dynamic I would be glad to give whatever information needed.

Expert:  jadt65 replied 1 year ago.

Any other information that you think is relevant will be useful.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

When we first began seeing each other, within the first few days we slept together. We became very physical and very fast. The result of this was her getting pregnant. We found out after her missed period and after about a month the baby miscarried. This brought us very close together, neither of us were exactly ready for a baby but nevertheless we planned on being together, loving, and giving that child everything it deserved. We even spoke of one day getting married early on. Of course we only talked about it at first. We didn't commit to the idea too early on because we decided it wouldn't be a good idea to get married purely based on pregnancy. As time went on after the miscarriage, she began to fantasize about the idea of being married to me. I didn't want to be the first one to say it but I had fantasized about marrying her one day as well. I loved the idea of us being married, I had envisioned having three children and living in my childhood home my father had left me after he had passed. She loved the house and so did I. She would periodically think of the names she wanted our children to have, and encouraged me to think up of some names too. It was fun and her face would light up like a firefly, which made me the happiest. We planned on getting engaged the moment I got hired on a paid fire department. I'm not sure how relevant this information is to your answer. I thought it might be useful to share the level of intimacy.

Expert:  jadt65 replied 1 year ago.
thank you for the additional information
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I'll be waiting for your response

Expert:  jadt65 replied 1 year ago.

I am sorry about the delay.

Since you have posted so much information, I am going to go through this step by step.

Post #1

Based upon you mentioning that she is left for college, I am assuming you are both in your late teens or early twenties. The ebb and flow of relationships is normal in this age range, especially when they are as intense as you describe yours.

It seems like the two of you have different needs as far as connecting, based on your description of yourself as "needy" and your girlfriend seems to need a bit more space. In order for this dynamic to last for the long-term, the two of you need to sit down and set parameters around the amount of time you are going to spend together and figure out if you can trust each other to act autonomously.

It appears like your girlfriend is attracted to you and is attached to you, but she still seems like she needs time to explore before she settles down.On the other hand, you seem to be in a place where you are ready to make a commitment.

Post #2.

Sharing the loss of a child, even through miscarriage, is something that can bond two people together for a lifetime. It might be this bond that keeps drawing you together.

To answer your original question, can the relationship be saved, I think the two of you have the basis for a lifelong friendship. I think your girlfriend has sent some pretty strong signals that she is not ready to commit to a long-term relationship at this very moment, but there is potential for the future.

Please let me know if I can clarify anything, or if you have additional questions, if not please accept by answer.

Best,

Julie

jadt65, Multisystemic Therapy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 119
Experience: Provided relationship counseling for more than 20 years for people in every stage of life.
jadt65 and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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