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jadt65
jadt65, Multisystemic Therapy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 119
Experience:  Provided relationship counseling for more than 20 years for people in every stage of life.
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My husband went on a business trip for two weeks. I did not

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My husband went on a business trip for two weeks. I did not miss him when he was away.
Also, I was tense and unhappy when he returned. I felt much better alone. It showed in my body language yesterday. He saw that I was backing up when he was at the garbage and I couldn't access it. I guess I was avoiding getting too close to him. I was honest and told him that I feel that often he is not kind to me, and that's why I am distant in my body language. The next day I ate dinner in the dining room. We don't eat together much anyway and he took offense, showed anger and said: " Kids are not home, you should miss me, what did I do?" I said instead of getting angry, maybe we can talk quietly and I can explain. I mentioned therapy, and he said "F....ck therapy!,
You hate the person, not the way I act, and this is the way I am." "I don't want to deal with problems, I have enough problems in my life." I found myself saying "If we don't go to therapy, or are able to talk like adults, please leave me alone, you are picking on me."
(he was raising his voice). Again, no resolve.
Yes, I am carrying anger, but my distance is also a self protective measure from getting hurt. I want him to know I am serious. Am I being too hard? He makes communication impossible and on some level he feels like he can't do anything right.
Yet, he blocks any attempt for me to have an open and honest dialog.
advice appreciated !
Dee
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  jadt65 replied 4 years ago.

I am sorry to hear you are struggling in your marriage.

It seems like your husband is beginning to pick up on your anger, but he seems to be at a loss as to what is causing it.

He seems to be under a stress " I don't want to deal with problems, I have enough problems in my life" One way to start a dialogue is to allow him to talk about his problems so he can let some of his fristration go..it might also provide you with some insight as to where he is coming from.

Walking away is not really a solution, unless you think you are going to lose your temper or if he is getting verbally abusive. If you can hear him out when he is expressing anger in a reasonable way, it will demonstrate your investment in him.I am assuming you want to stay in the marriage, let me know if I am incorrect.

If you need for him to "hear" your side of the story, you might consider wrting it in a letter. It will help you organize your thought and feelings and you can let him know your side without getting derailed with anger.

Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

Best,

Julie

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you.
He was becoming verbally abusive and I had to walk away.
He may be at a loss for what is causing my anger, but when I express myself, he shuts down communication.
He is not one to tell me his problems, even if I ask.
He will not want to talk about this further unless I bring it up.
thanks
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I think he knows what I am upset about, but is dismissing it.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
the only thing I can try is writing.
Expert:  jadt65 replied 4 years ago.

If he is being verbally abusive...the letter is the best way to go. Plus, even if he refuses counseling, it can still be an option for you. If one person in a relationship makes changes in atttude, behavior, or communication, the other person will have to make changes. This is called "going in the backdoor."

"I think he knows what I am upset about, but is dismissing it."

It is best in this kind of situation to know for sure before making an assumption about what someone knows or feels. It helps to prevent misunderstandings.

jadt65 and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you.
I am not making an assumption.
When I tell him directly what I am upset about, he derails the conversation. He is dismissing it. He knows because I told him that the disrespect makes me feel uncomfortable around him. He is shutting down communication with his behavior.
thanks for input... I appreciate your help...
If possible, can I redirect this question to Kate?
Good evening.
Expert:  jadt65 replied 4 years ago.
sure, I will opt out.
Expert:  jadt65 replied 4 years ago.

I just checked and she is not online at the moment. You night try to re-list this and put "For Kate" so it will get her attention when she comes back online.

Best,

Julie

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Ok Julie... thanks for everything ...