How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question

Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Jen Helant is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hello. Hope youve been well. You know I realized something.

Resolved Question:

Hello. Hope you've been well. You know I realized something. I remember he's told me a few times that when he was little that his father would try to start a ton of small businesses on the side, in addition to his full-time job as a police officer and fail at all of them. His mother had more of the stable job that made much better money and she seems to also be the "wiser" one when it came to running a successful business. She now runs a very successful company and is married to a very successful man. He says he remembers them fighting daily because his mother was always angry over his father's failures in these side businesses in addition to them fighting about everything else. Like I stated earlier, since I met him, first he told me he's dreamed of being a police officer since he was a little boy. Then his mother talked him out of that because she didn't want him to be a police officer. So he went into financial trading and he would constantly brag and boast about him making tons of money and how "that" was what he was meant to do. Then he said he would start a fitness company/regimen and privately train people on the side in addition to him being a marine. Then he invented one or two different devices that he said would make him wealthy and that they were brilliant ideas and he submitted his ideas to a few companies but he never told me the outcome, I'm thinking they didn't work out. Then he left me one year ago exactly because he said he was going to a very prestigious school in the east coast to get his MBA - and once again he was absolutely positive that this was the answer to everything and that I was being selfish if I wanted him to stay here with me. I thought to myself "maybe I am being selfish so I let him go" he left me again and he continued his life. He tried going to school in the east coast but didn't like it so he came back home to his mother. Then he tried going to school in Arizona and didn't like it so he came back home again. Then he supposably got a new job that pays a ton of money (he developed a very bad bragging habit and embellishes the truth) and that's what he's doing now and he's in Nevada. With every decision he makes, he's very passionate about it and completely swears this is the "answer" to his life and all his problems. I think he reminded his mother of her ex-husband/his father with all the side businesses he had going on and that's why she kicked him out in addition to his temperament that's similar to his father's. I talked to her the other day (like I told you I would so we could help him) and she knew nothing about him being gay, she said she hadn't talked to him since he moved out months ago. So he lied about him coming out to her. Obviously I didn't tell her but by her tone, it was very obvious that she was angry at him and was just sick of him. When I mentioned to her "he's going through a lot right now and needs you" she responded with, "ugh he's always going through something. What else is new?" A part of me understood my ex's pain and how he wanted her unconditional love and support and wasn't getting it but then I started understanding her point of view and she seems to be tired of his antics. Whenever he left me he always tried dating but he said he couldn't get over me so it wouldn't work out with these women. Then he said he slept with two strange men he met at a bar because he was so drunk and they brought him home. I asked him if they did anything sexual and he said "oh God no, that's disgusting. I just don't get along with women and I either get cheated on or some other bad thing happens. I get along so great with men that I might be gay." This was about three months ago when we had first broken up and he decided to tell me what he did during our previous breakup. Like I said, now he met this new gay man that seems to be the answer to all his relationship problems. He's sure he's gay and says he's never been happier so he must be gay. As I stated earlier, in my heart I genuinely believe he's straight but is so lost and confused and trying to find a "quick-fix" to everything.

What's your opinion on all this?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Josie-Mod replied 1 year ago.
Hi, I am a Moderator for this topic. I sent your requested Professional a message to follow up with you here, when she is back online. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

Hi,

It's good to hear from you. Hope you have been doing well also. So sorry for the delay. I was offline.

 

I think that was wonderful insight on your part. I do think that this is probably why is Mom is tired of him. When it seems like there always something wrong people can get tired of another. Seems he did take after his father in a lot of ways. Sometimes when we hear one side of the story the other can be made out to look bad until we hear the other's side. This is probably why his mom is so upset with him and kicked him out. Sometimes parents need to be that way with their children in order for them to grow up because if we "baby" them then they may remain dependent all their lives, which is not helping them, but actually hurting them. I agree with you that he is surely not gay. He is changing everything once again like he did with his idea's and job's, but this time it is with this. He is creating the situation to prove what he wants to be real. He told you he knew all along and was born like this meanwhile he told you it was disgusting if he were to do something with a man and he was starting to think he was gay. He clearly has been hurt by women, so is giving up on women completely and due to one man making him happy he is making himself believe he is gay. What will happen if this man hurt him? I agree with you that this is a new issue and was not gay all along. I would question him when you get the chance about why he thought sleeping with a man was disgusting and why it is no longer or is it? Plus it is concerning that he didn't tell his mom. This makes me think he is scared or maybe really not gay, so does not want to create a scene. Meanwhile he may have told you this to get your attention. Maybe try saying to the mom something like " how can we make a plan to help him rather saying he needs you" because she sounds sick and tired of him. She may not want all that responsibility and defend herself from that since she has been there for him in the past, but by including yourself she may be more open.

Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

You're amazing. Geez. Absolutely amazing and brilliant. Spot on with your answers.


 


I thought the same exact thing - what's going to happen when he starts to see things about this gay guy that he doesn't like? Or even worst if this gay guy cheats on him? Right now they're in the honeymoon phase and I'm POSITIVE this gay guy is showering him with attention, love and support he desperately craves. My gut feeling is he's doing that to get into his pants. Eventually you start to get tired of giving someone so much attention and you start showing your true colors. The last email I sent him was saying that I love him and support him and to please be careful and that I'll be there for him whenever he needs me. He never responded and each time he has a new hobby whether its school, a new career choice, a new friend, he completely wraps himself up in that and ignores me. I also realized that I have to let him go and let him find himself. I keep on being there for him and it's always breaks my heart whenever he leaves me because he has a new job, or has a new friend or is moving to the other side of the country for school and now he's gay! His mother did the right thing in kicking him out. I have to learn to let go as well and just pray for him. I do genuinely believe that he'll realize one way or another that he's straight but he has to go through this. My gut tells me that that's what I need to do and just work on myself in the meantime.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX too hit the nail right on the head. You said it exactly how I would have in the beginning everyone is on their "best behavior" then after the honeymoon phase is when their true colors come out and show. How true is that? Everything you said is so true. All you can do is be there for him, but he needs to learn the hard way through experience. Also, he seems to get dependent on people and things and forget about the other person , thing, or idea. This is due to his insecurity. He may always seem to attach himself to one person or thing and then change. He can have dependency issues due to his past. No matter how much he goes away from you he will always be back if he truly cares and he will see you are the one that truly loves him. Your right best to take care of yourself now, so no matter what happens you will be where you need to be.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Yes. Yes. Yes! You're absolutely right. He absolutely has dependency issues and that's why he attaches himself so much to these people. He never did that with me because of his fear of women and he had such high walls up. I've also noticed he has patterns. These friendships and ideas always last from 6-8 months then he realizes how wrong he was and apologizes. I see now, that he needs genuine help to overcome his fears, forgive his family, figure out what line of work he should be in and just love himself. And you're also right - he always does come back. I need to take care of myself this time and be happy. Thank you so much for all your wonderful advice. I truly cherish it. God Bless You.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Yes, you are right. I hope he is able to figure all this out and get to the place where he will truly find happiness.
It is truly my pleasure. I am so happy to help. I will continue to be here for you whenever you need or want and again I am sorry for the delay. Usually I am quicker to respond than that.
God Bless you too! Thank you.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency