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Dr. Tom
Dr. Tom, Tom Smith, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Dr. Smith has been offering counseling for over 37 years.
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My husband is a typical type A who was used to being at the

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My husband is a typical type A who was used to being at the top of his class and proved to his father that he could make it to a top marketing firm in his country. He left it as he felt it was limiting his life. He moved country and we met 5 years later. At the start of our relationship - as in, on our first date, he disclosed that he doesn't get much money. I didn't know what that meant but later found out that he used to earn more about 3x more than he does now but was fired from a job by clashing with his boss. He gets frustrated that he's earning less than me and in turn is studying most of our marriage (doing postgrad exams). He has been stuck on 2 in particular and failed them 2x already. He is due to do them again this coming week. Because of his constant 'need to study' I find myself alone a great deal. He knows it but says he wants to be a better provider for the family. He has tried some interviews at work and doing these exams to be better. Before he married, his mother was also complaining that he didn't have much to offer the family.He felt ashamed and so did his own family because they are poor, but with much pride. My parents paid for our wedding which is tradition here and it took my husband some time to get used to this. In his culture, it's the grooms family which pay. His mother sold her ring in order to give us about $500 as a gift and buy a dress for our wedding. All rather sad,really.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.

Deardebra : It is very important too him that he is someone that can provide. His personality is someone that will never give up until he accomplishes his goal. You mentioned him studying and he does need to create a balance. Some times you can put all your time into something while what really is important is spending time together.
Deardebra : He needs to know that you love him no matter what. It is important in a marriage to grow together, to continue to create a bond. You need to tell him that you understand he wants to be successful and accomplish all these things, but all you really need is him. I feel that some times people work do hard to do do much that they miss out on certain things.
Customer:

My husband is a typical type A who was used to being at the top of his class and proved to his father that he could make it to a top marketing firm in his country. He left it as he felt it was limiting his life. He moved country and we met 5 years later. At the start of our relationship - as in, on our first date, he disclosed that he doesn't get much money. I didn't know what that meant but later found out that he used to earn more about 3x more than he does now but was fired from a job by clashing with his boss. He gets frustrated that he's earning less than me and in turn is studying most of our marriage (doing postgrad exams). He has been stuck on 2 in particular and failed them 2x already. He is due to do them again this coming week. Because of his constant 'need to study' I find myself alone a great deal. He knows it but says he wants to be a better provider for the family. He has tried some interviews at work and doing these exams to be better. Before he married, his mother was also complaining that he didn't have much to offer the family.He felt ashamed and so did his own family because they are poor, but with much pride. My parents paid for our wedding which is tradition here and it took my husband some time to get used to this. In his culture, it's the grooms family which pay. His mother sold her ring in order to give us about $500 as a gift and buy a dress for our wedding. All rather sad,really.

Deardebra : It is very hard for him to go from the top to struggling to make it again abduction get is working hard to get there.
Deardebra : It is very hard for him to go from the top struggling to make it again and he is working hard to get there.
Deardebra : I am sure he would love to prove to his family that he can make it.
Customer:

Well one part which is hard for him is how his father was very negative.

Customer:

His sister got into law (from the father's understanding) through his handling ie. connecting with people in higher places as his father is in politics.

Customer:

He showed his father that he could make it without him.He proved it.

Customer:

He knows his father has had a very negative input throughout his life/his family. Causing much distress and pain. However he pulled through.

Customer:

His mom is the one person who stood by him throughout.

Customer:

We talked more today and he has resolved the issue with finances however it's taken some time. Even my parents involvement was hard at first for him. I'm not looking to have him at the top straight away. I mean, something has to give. One step at a time.

Expert:  Dr. Tom replied 2 years ago.
I am not sure from your writing where he is stuck. Does he study effectively concentrating on what matters; for example, passing certification exams or being able to answer professionally in interviews? Also, have you sat down with him and created some kind of plan on time line ... not a rigid time line, but something that provides goal? Moreover, have you set some intentions for the future; that is to say what he as an individual, you as an individual and both of you as a couple are willing to have, be, do or experience in the future? Answering some of these questions might get things moving in the right direction.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

My husband went to his extra courses and discovered that the way he was applying his knowledge was incorrect. He has since done 2 mock exams and passed. Therefore, he had some confidence but is also suffering with much nerves,stress and worry. I try to relax him but sometimes saying nothing and simply being there to support him. He used to offload by going to prostitutes,smoking and drinking red bulls to de-stress. He hasn't engage in these activities since we met.


Re the future, we have sent in applications for Canada. I sent mine about 2 years ago and have since had word that I am eligible for permanent residency. My husband only sent in his application a few months ago therefore there is probably going to be somewhat of a delay.


As for how long his exams will last depends on how quickly he passes. I equally have postgrad exams but my strategy is different to hubby.

Expert:  Dr. Tom replied 2 years ago.
It appears that your spouse is on the right track in terms of professional development. Red Bull is unlikely to relieve stress because it has stimulants in it. Tried and true stress relievers are exercise and breathing. Something as easy as a brisk walk and paying attention to breathing can do wonders. Instead of driving to run errands, it may be possible to use that as an opportunity to walk. In any case, exercise is essential to maintaining good health. Also, it something you can do together and get some heart-to-heart talking in too. Also, again, think of creating a short term and long term plan and setting intentions. Setting intentions is as simple as writing down sentences like ... I am willing to let go of all limiting beliefs, thoughts and feelings that block my way to a satisfying future .... I am willing to go forward when I am afraid, trusting that my fear will dissolve as I realize my hopes ... I am willing to go … I am willing to do … At least, you will get an idea of what is really going on inside of your heart and mind.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Red Bull was the least of his worries. His skin was yellow when I met him. He is now normal toned. He also had bloods doing and he was simply a little dehydrated from the tests. Drinking coffee so much would make sense.


We don't have a car at present therefore walking, running and taking in fresh air is a norm.


I don't quite understand what you mean about the intention settings. What is the reason for applying this to my /my husband's life?

Expert:  Dr. Tom replied 2 years ago.
Good thing for the walking. The reason for setting intentions is that they put structure into your thinking and plans for the future ... it gives you some control over outcomes by setting your mind in the right direction as you create in your mind what your future is to be and then your behavior is in alignment with your thinking.
Dr. Tom, Tom Smith, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 23
Experience: Dr. Smith has been offering counseling for over 37 years.
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Expert:  Dr. Tom replied 2 years ago.
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