My husband has been busy most of our marriage either with work and study at home. I find myself with what we call 'my lover' ie. my laptop. I work long hours and also do 24 hour shifts so I've adapted to coming home from work, eating, chatting a little online and then just browsing online. I've been doing this even before I met my husband. I lived in areas where there were no outlets for 'single' women and even rejected from a church since they believed the few times I was there, was to seduce their husbands. I recall saying to one lady (who had the audacity to tell me that I should settle down and stop being free and casual) that she had it wrong (I hardly have dated in my life) and if I had met the right man in my life, I would have obviously married. The women in the church would exclude me and discreetly tell me that I should leave. It was really awful. I'm a quiet individual and have always been a modest dresser therefore I felt pretty offended but thankfully I have moved locality since then.
I don't have much of a social life and would end up doing quite a great deal on my own. I don't prescribe to any activities as I can be on call any day of the week. I'm also pretty tired most evenings. As an adolescent I did experience a depressive streak and became quite withdrawn and overweight -living away from family (lived abroad or away from home since the age of 11), I never got involved in any activities truly would cultivate any of my talents. From there went to university for 7 years which was traumatic in itself and didn't change matters. (Being alone).
Why I'm concerned about the dreaming aspect is because I did so even as a teenager and all throughout college. Men noticed me and would have tried to engage in my life but usually their experience with me died as I 'dreamed most scenarios' and made matters more complicated for myself. I simply got quite afraid about being rejected by them and being seen as somewhat deficient. I would come across as confident in general and funny, but when in these situations shy away and almost freeze unless in a 'non-introverted mode.' My husband would say that what I'm doing is unhealthy - as in being on my laptop all evening but he's not 'there' -he's 'having to study.'
I already know about the no life aspect of my life. It is probably the only thing I am consistent with. I would opt to fulfill certain challenges such as work out for a month, eat properly,etc, but I seem to fall short after about a week - due to my mental tiredness from the day. I do take extra vitamins and am quite focused and able at work. I know I'm not showing biological signs of depression. I believe there is a confidence/low self esteem aspect to all of this. Also, a fear of rejection. (I was adopted at birth). With the men who try to get my attention, I know that there is a point where a person can be in control and put up boundaries but I don't seem to know how to handle it. (low confidence). Instead I fantasize, get happy when the man makes efforts to prove his interest and then obsess over what is happening and looking to have several objective people tell me what I already know. It's a regular pattern I have experienced and even as a single woman. This is why I bring it up here to discuss.
I do not intend to cheat on my husband. I do love him even though, it feels like he's somewhere else -like my parents/family most of my life. He thinks that being in the next room is better than being in another country. For me, if it's a regular day to day occurrence, he might as well be in another country. He says he needs me and is happy knowing I'm in next store. I'm mixed. There are times, I like my quiet time (I am also an only child) and feel he is invading when he allows himself to be free to come into me and according to his own needs. When I want to be with him, the majority of the time he says ' Baby, I'm studying.' (Postgrad exams which will last for at least another year and a half if not more).
At times -ever since we did marry last January, I feel like our marriage is just like a serious relationship and at some point it will fade away. Maybe that's from my few experiences in relationship and in general relationships - having moved quite often (diplomats), I'm used to moving and making new friends for a brief period and then starting all over again. As I mentioned earlier, even my own parents have lived abroad from me since I was 11. I guess that's why my laptop is safe.
What do I want?
Well, for one, I wish our sex life was more exciting. We have passion but I have never orgasm-ed by my husband. I also find that a previous boyfriend (in my youth) was the only one who really made me feel turned on by kissing me alone. I miss that and even tried means to see if my husband could entice me in that way, but he just can't. It's just like touching me in the right spots, I've shown him a number of times, but he simply doesn't get it. So, it's frustrating.
I've sought to have a sex therapist (and hubby is willing). We've searched online but little response as yet.
As a child and up until my first sexual experience aged 28, I was made afraid to engage in sex. I was told horror stories related to people who did have sex late in life resulting in emotional pain and even death. I believe my mom either never had a good experience from sex because as inappropriate as this sounds, she said (out loud)'Oh now you're consummating the marriage.' I feel she has been too involved in my life as she has had very little in her own. She adopted me and always wanted another child of her own, but it never happened. I would get mixed messages about sex - my parents would make out or kiss lightly in front of me, but also mom would press against him in my view. Confusing to say the least and sex was something I only investigated in secret. In later life (18/19/20 y/o) I opened up to her about looking at pornography on occasion and she was accepting but kept on to the negativity about sex.
Most if not all of the situations with men were about sex. My desire to have it in secret but in reality I am not permitted (mental blockages). I've had a highly developed moral side from a young age therefore what I've wanted in the past was never 'allowed.' It gave up on this battle at the age of 28 and I felt punished once I broke it. Punished because I didn't gain what I was looking for (sexual fulfillment) but rather heart break.
I was with 2 men - one who I left after 2 weeks; the other 4 months later. The first guy was not sorted in himself and seeking to find himself a wife. He was also an alcoholic, ex drug user...really not my kind of bloke. He also had an issue with my profession and how I was more financially strong.
The second guy worked in Meryl Lynch. To sum him up, he was 'a liar' and very argumentative. Good family but they were very cold. Met them once and never met them again. He also wanted to conceal how we met and it pretty much sounded like I was a prostitute to him. It was awful. He was controlling. We went to NY together and knew that things weren't going to work out. Broke up and I found out many of his lies after that period. He denied it all, of course.
I had already dealt with a number of men who just wanted sex and interestingly, that's probably what I wanted too but felt I had to be in something serious in order to get it. I had a teenage idea of relationships - little about the talking but rather the sexual side. Very naive idea.
My thoughts about this other man 'Alex' are rather about sexual experience than stronger relations. I don't know him and from my experience, no one but my husband has been compatible or wanted more in a love relationship manner therefore, I would fear seeing that lost. If my husband was one of those open to me exploring sexually outside of the home (since he's had a much more exploratory past). That, I know, would NEVER happen.
I feel dreaming is more painful to me as I'll never know what could have really happened. Then the risks I have taken to see what would happen have often been troublesome. What differs is that I leave them knowing why (in reality).
What other things would I like to change...
yes my mindset. How I take care of myself. Used to reject myself as a whole despite attention from the age of 10. I recall one boy liking me but as soon as I became overweight after a summer abroad, I was rejected by many. So yes, weight has also been a means to feel validated. When I lost a certain amount of weight in college and high school and I was sought after by many men (staring, glaring, looking to speak to me, etc). Once I regained it, I felt low in myself and less desirable. I'm now in the in between stage and that's a reason why I question how come my husband was attracted to me and also this other man. Men usually like me more at lower weights. (I'm petite and small boned therefore a few extra pounds looks huge). I would love to be able to not need to feel valuable as a certain weight because I walk around less confident and act less confident.).
The problem with that option is that he used to use pornography frequently as a single and also prostitution, smoking and drinking red bulls,etc. To him, it was a negative part of his life. All a time when he was lonely, getting over a 4 year relationship and when he felt very low/lacking in being successful.
So, I really can't see it happening. Also, with our beliefs, pornography is a negative and not a plus. He's definitely satisfied with the sex part. He's disappointed that he can't satisfy me and does see the need to having a sex therapist.
As for the social aspect, I would love to feel that fun sense of togetherness and freedom I have had in my past. Good friends and activities outside of a bar or club (whereas it seems to be culture here and the only means to make friends/have fun according to the majority.) It simply isn't for me. Because I'm too 'deep' and not willing to engage with casual sex, I'm not a candidate.
Paige, quite frankly,why then do I obsess over the things I can't have but want? What is that about? It's been a struggle for years. I want to be able to work it out. Or is it all to do with the aspect of my life which I was never allowed to have - sex?
Thank you or your input.