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Ask SLREED Your Own Question

SLREED, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 220
Experience:  MS Marriage/Family therapy. Four years as a counselor.
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Hello. I am in love with my ex. We had a great relationship,

Customer Question

I am in love with my ex. We had a great relationship, but I also had a lot of stress in my life. Things built up and I became more distant. I was unable to show her the affection and attention that she deserved, and she dealt with it for awhile, but finally got tired of it and left.
I love this girl. She wouldn't even face me to tell me that she was leaving me. One Saturday night she stopped answering my calls and texts. The next day
I tried to reconcile by driving down to her house to talk to her. (She lives 100 miles away). Her mom told me she was not there.
I tried to call her and text her, she would not answer.
Monday, she came and collected her belongings while I was at work.
I sent her flowers on Monday and Tuesday to apologize. She said she was flattered but wanted me to stop spending money on her. She said she had seen her ex on saturday and he had gotten his life together, but at the same time she wanted space and time to finish the semester. She put old pictures of her and him up on facebook, but did not take pictures down of her and I.
She was telling my tenants that she still had feelings for me. A week later, my mother called her and they had a talk, and she seemed willing to work things out with me. She called me and we talked for about an hour and had a great conversation, we didn't talk too much about the relationship, I felt we should talk in person, but she said she wasn't ready to see me yet.
Later that night, she texted me and told me she was sad that this had happened. I told her I was, too.
She told me to stay strong, things will happen when and if they are supposed to. I told her that I would prove to her that I really did care, and she wouldn't have to hurt again. She said she didn't want me to prove it, that it should just happen.
She then told me she might be pregnant. I told her if that was the case, I would take care of her. She told me that's what she wanted to hear. She then stopped responding.
The next day I texted her and thanked her for the conversation, and wished her a good day.
No answer. After work I texted and asked if I'd done something wrong, no answer.
I waited a couple days. Texted her Wednesday morning to ask her how she was doing, she said she was fine. I told her I needed to talk to her after work about something important. (I was going to ask her to take my dog for awhile--- I'm changing jobs and have found it hard to take care of him. I wanted her to take him until I moved--because she loved him.)
She sent me a picture message of the pregnancy test---not pregnant. I told her I would call her at 5:30.
When I called at 5:30, she had changed her number, and blocked me on facebook.
Friday, I was in the hospital for kidney stones. She found out, unblocked me on facebook.
Blocked me a few days later.
Then unblocked me the same day.
I did not contact her during this time.
Yesterday, I sent her an email:


I understand that you don’t want contact with me right now. Although I don’t agree with it, I do agree that it is your decision to make. This is a difficult time for both of us. All of this has made me realize that I do have some work to do on myself, particularly how my words and actions are perceived by people I care about. It’s time that I set things in motion to change the parts of my life that have been holding me back, and I’m already in the process of doing that. I hope we can get past all of this individually and be in contact again without the negative feelings attached. I’ll check in with you in say, 8 weeks time---if you still don’t want me to contact you, I will understand. I hope that you will consider contacting me once and awhile during this time to let me know how you are doing, it will give me peace of mind knowing that you are ok. Please feel free to contact me if and whenever you feel like it.



I didn't really expect her to respond, at least not right away, but she did:

You really hurt me by being so distant and acting like I wasn't important to you. I think that it is best for us to distance ourselves from one another. I refuse to get hurt again and I need to at this point in time focus on myself and my needs. I changed my number because it would just hurt me everytime you would contact me. Thus making me wish that we didn't have to be the way that we are, but after thinking about it I know that this is what is best for me. I'm doing fine, just trying to get through the rest of the semester. I hope that you are doing well. Sorry this is so short, but I have to go get ready for class.


P.S. Tell Lucas I said hi
Although that message hurt to read, (I never, EVER meant to hurt her, and never want her to hurt), it also seems like she is not shutting the door on us. However, she was not opening it, either. I need to respond, but it has to be perfect. I'm not sure where to go at this point, I don't want to push her away, but Iwant to keep the dialogue going.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  SLREED replied 2 years ago.
I know that it is going to be hard for you, but I think that you have to stop contacting her for a while. If it is meant to be then like she said it would be. I think that she likes you and cares for you, but she is not wanting to be in a relationship with you right now and just needs her space. The important thing now is that you give it to her. You do not want to over contact her because as you saw it will lead to less communications (i.e blocking you from facebook, changing her number etc.) The last thing you want to do is push her away, so then you have to give her space, time enough to concentrate on herself and figure out what she needs to do. At least give it a month, and then if you want to keep the dialog going follow up with with her via text or email. But you do not want to keep it at the rate that you are going. She knows how you feel, you have told her, now try to respect her wishes and stop contacting her for a while so that she can clear her head and figure out if she wants to be with you or not. Perhaps even giving her space will make her realize how much she has missed you or what she had with you. But she has to find that out on her own way and in her own time.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Yes, but the fact that she responded so quickly, doesn't that indicate something?

Shouldn't I at least send one more message to validate her feelings? Tell her that I understand why she feels like she does, and that over these next 8 weeks I'm going to be working on myself to make changes in my life?

I did say in my first message that I would respond to her if she wrote me, and she did.

I'm getting answers from all angles that differ, and I'm just confused. All I know is that I want this girl in my life, and I don't want her to lose any feelings she has for me, because doesn't it get easier to keep someone out of your life the longer they are out of it? :/

Expert:  SLREED replied 2 years ago.
She did respond quickly because I think that she wanted to tell you how she was feeling and why she would like to pause communication with you. I do not think that you should send another message. You have sent messages so she is aware of your feelings. I fear that sending more will cause her to be frustrated with you and will make things worse. She seems to want to get away from speaking with you right now. So I do not think that you should continue on with communication for the time being. The better thing to do is to work on yourself and your life and then contact her when you have it all together. Give her time to get her mind together too. The feelings are so fresh that you want to give things time to simmer down with her. The thing is that she block you from facebook and changed her number. So you cannot force her to talk to you right now, when she is sending you signs and telling you that she is not ready. Just give it a few weeks then try again, give her time to calm down and you time to get some things together so that when you do call, you can show her that you have changed.

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