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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1367
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Hi My name is XXXXX XXXXX up with my boyfriend four months

Customer Question

Hi My name isXXXXX broke up with my boyfriend four months ago and I still miss him, want him and finding it all hard to cope. We had been together for over 2 years, had usual arguments, ups and downs but the only major problem was his gambling and i was there throughout helping him emotionally and financially. One night i came back to mine and he was there gambling online, i had asked him to help me cook and he refused, so i was annoyed and went to cook. He comes crashing into the kitchen and said 'thanks to you i've lost £200 f***ing cos you were angry with me'. I was so angry and hurt i yelled at him and asked for some space. A week later he told me he loved me but didnt see this going long term I was devastated, had millions of questions but he refused to talk. A month later after hearing nothing, out of the blue he tried to make small talk, i made it clear to him i was hurt and wanted to talk he agreed and later that evening he came round mine to talk. He looked a mess and cried the whole time, he said he felt guilty for what he had put me through but that he loved me and missed me. I could see he was torn, a part of him wanted to stay and the other leave. The morning after he said he loves me but didnt want to drag me down with him. After that he went silent again and now ignores me and avoids me which hurts like hell. The only time he spoke to me was when were out with co workers (we work in the same area) and he was drunk....he tried to touch etc. Then the next day again back to silence. What hurts me is that he gave me hope, when he came and wanted to stay and I cant get rid of that, and now seeing him avoid me like i've done something terrible makes me feel very down that even now im crying myself to sleep missing him, wanting him. I had forgiven him for everything and I told him this. I am willing to try again and at times i see that he wants that too. Hes left me very confused and heartbroken

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Hello. It sounds as though he has a lot of his own problems that he needs to work on himself. This is something you cannot do for him, although you can be there to support him. One thing you should understand about men is that they have a different perspective on life and the things which drive their self esteem are different as well. If he cannot be a strong person who acts as the provider and being a "real man" if you will, then he feels he should not be in a relationship with a responsibility that he cannot meet. This is completely normal. It is good you have both been able to talk a little bit, but you need to discuss what he plans on doing for himself to better his situation. He needs to get help for his gambling problem and you didn't say he had a drinking problem, but did mention that he has been drunk, so if this is a problem, he needs to address this as well. Again, these are things that HE must fix. He is not capable of being in a healthy relationship until he decides to work on these issues and you need to accept this. He has to understand how he is effecting you right now with the back and forth. You need to issue him an ultimatum without him feeling as though it is an ultimatum. Explain to him that you would like to try a relationship again with him, but need to know if he feels the same. Explain that he needs to decide on way or another if this is something you both want to work on, or if he wants some time on his own to work on the things he has problems with. Have empathy for his situation, but he must also have understanding in what he is doing to you as well. The botXXXXX XXXXXne is that you both need to communicate with what you are feeling about each other. If there is open communication, it may be hurtful, but at least it is honest and can clear up some confusion. I would say to back off a little bit emotionally for yourself, but approach him with more bluntness and be straightforward about what you want and what you expect. Tell him that you will support him if he wants to work on his issues, but that he has to be the one driving. Take it one step at a time. You need to be strong for yourself and for him if that is what you both want. Understand that the ignoring and the avoidance that he shows you is not to hurt you, but because he isn't sure how else to be. It is his way of finding strength within himself, even though it hurts you. Explain to him how his actions make you feel, but not in a way where he feels blamed for it or that he is doing something bad or wrong. This will make him feel cornered.
You both have a chance on making this work again, the key is communicating with each other, having some space and time and working as a team. Use your friends as support through this and take things slow. Understand that you also do not want to be in a relationship with someone who has these problems, so he does need to want to work on bettering himself before he can be a productive member in a relationship. Have patience and try to be strong.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1367
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

he's always been a hard person to talk to, he never really shares what he feels or thinks. The last few timeswe spoke about our relationship, hes either been drunk or crying his eyes out. And i don't know whether to believe what he says.


I would love to sit and talk to him but he's avoiding me, wont even look me in the eyes so i dont think that will be possible for some time.


I've left him alone although i have been guilty of texting him 'i miss you' etc but ive realised theres no point in those.


I have told him before that i would be willing to help and support him. But the last time we spoke and I asked have you been to a clinic he replied ' i thought about it but i dont want to be told what to do, im better than that'. I have to admit he was drunk when he said it


most of the time i just try to understand what i did wrong, surely if a girl loves you enough to help you through your problems you would be with her....unless he doesnt.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
It is difficult for men in general to talk about their feelings. What may help you, at least get a little bit of closure as to getting YOUR feelings out is to write them down. If you feel as though you have a lot of things you would like to say but that he just won;t hear you out, write him a letter.
I think he is tormented by his own feelings and he is trying to be strong, but doesn't know how. You have to understand that you cannot fix him, he has to fix himself. You did not do anything wrong. While both people in a relationship are responsible for it, in this case, there are internal issues on his end which need to be addressed. You can support him, but not help him. There is a difference.
You should do a lot of asking. That helps in communication. What is it that I can do to help you? Things such as that. It will help bring him into an active conversation.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

one thing i forgot to add, is the last time i texted him i miss you, he had replied 'you gotta move on now' until then he would of replied with a smiley face or a kiss. It was after then he went awkward and avoided me. To me it felt like a slap on my face and it was that day onwards i stopped messaging him. It was then when he spoke to me when he was drunk.


I would like to do what you say and help as i've already asked him once before and told him im willing.


However i dont want to hurt anymore than i already am. That feeling of rejection is hard to stomach

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

one thing i forgot to add, is the last time i texted him i miss you, he had replied 'you gotta move on now' until then he would of replied with a smiley face or a kiss. It was after then he went awkward and avoided me. To me it felt like a slap on my face and it was that day onwards i stopped messaging him. It was then when he spoke to me when he was drunk.




I would like to do what you say and help as i've already asked him once before and told him im willing.




However i dont want to hurt anymore than i already am. That feeling of rejection is hard to stomach


Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

But am i wrong in hoping, could there be a chance if I did what you suggested?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

U are going to get fed up of me! But i appreciate what you are saying.


The other issue im trying to steel myself to is seeing him move onto someone else. It will kill me inside if and when he does. I know i will question myself what does she have what i dont etc

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you


I really appreciate all you have said.


 


Hinna

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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