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Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question
I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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We are a newly merged family I moved my girls and I in june
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We are a newly merged family
I moved my girls and I in june 2011 and we have our share of issues but all in all, everything has become a rhythm with hard work and rules
My man and I got married this past june and with in four days after our wedding he needed to move to houston - he was unable to find a job for the entire year and needed to move to gain employment.
We have gotten along very well despite speed bumps here and there. When he moved to Houston I took over managing the bills and his kids needs as well.
The good news is that on my birthday last september he surprised me with a copy of his offer letter to begin work near our home! I was very excited. But when I asked where's my present he said that was it. I immediately said, no, that a gift should not be for his benefit so we disagreed but he said to go get something and he will pay for it. Not optimal but I agreed.
If I were to pick a moment where things started getting worse, it would be my birthdate.
His son's birthdate was the next day and he handed his sone a 250 check. when I asked what my budget would be a few days later, he said $100 and that really hurt - but I didn't mention anything.
Since my birthdate we have not gotten along. He in essence is no longer me treating well. If there is something missing in the kitchen he would shake the empty item at me and set it on the table. He makes plans with other people and not with me. He does not talk in general, but even more so to me now. He is no longer affectionate and treats my kids with a kind of tolerance.
The last straw came the other day. I travel through out the country and this trip took me to missippi. I pay bills every other week and the direct tv was due on the 1st. so I simply held the bill since new funds would be availble on the 30th then I would pay. Well I was in missipi until 1am saturday the first and was exhausted. I simply forgot about the direct tv bill.
when I came home from work on monday, there was also a sign from the water company - shut off notice - oops. I didn't see the initial bill. there is over 3k in the account. So I went upstairs and began to log in when my husband walked in and asked "is there trouble with the bills?" I said "no, i just have to pay them, I am doing it right now" Then he went on and said "did you want me to take over he bills?" then I looked right at him realizing he was serious and I said "sure, I really don't care who does it, but if you want to go for it" his response was "That's right, you have poor credit, that's why you don't care. I can't have you ruining my credit."
That was hurtful, and I asked him to leave. He would not, until I heard him out. So I agreed to whatever he wanted and he left. After that I could not talk to him. I remained in the room stunned. by the way the direct tv is in my name but the level of anger and resentment that came through was unbelievable.
In the middle of that night, he was restless and kept on getting up. I held him and asked him what's wrong and tried to comfort him. He said I don't respect him. That stunned me too. So I simply said, "how can you say that when I listened and agreed to everything you want?" then he simply said, you treat us all poorly. That hit me hard, because I strive each and everyday to take care of our entire family - I do everything and ask nothing of him. my response was "this family is too difficult for me to take care of if you are all unhappy especially since you treat me and my girls poorly - I'm done" So I left the bedroom and went downstairs, he followed me and ordered me back to bed, and I was in tears and said no. Then he said please and I went up stairs, and could not stop crying.
I still can not stop crying - that was awful. So I began not to care.
I don't know what happened?
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replied 4 years ago.
I am so sorry what happened. I could surely imagine why you were stunned and very upset. Everything seemed to be good between you all and he came out of no where with that. That was very hurtful to say. It seems like he may be holding things within and got to a "breaking point". Maybe things bothered him in the past and he did not say anything until now and due to the way he holds it in he ended up saying it in this manner.
Seems as if there may be a lot of unsaid things on his part unless he was just stressed out that day and said it due to this own issues he may be going through. Either way the best thing that you can do is sit down with him and have a face to face conversation. Let him know how you feel for him and ask him to please tell you everything he feels about you even if not good. Let him know you apologize for any wrong doing, but you had no clue that he felt this way. Ask him if he truly felt what he said that day then go from there. It seems like you both need a deep heart to heart conversation going over any issues you both may have with one another as well as apologizing and coming to a solution or compromise. This is the only way you will truly get to the bottom of this. I hope that you feel better and sorry that you are still crying. That was hurtful and it is only fair to you that he let's you know if this is how he truly feels or not and exactly how he feels about that. You deserve this conversation to plan what is best for you and your girls.
I hope you feel better, but I am here for you. Please let me know if I can help you further whether you have more questions or need clarification. Don't hesitate to reply if you need.
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