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TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5797
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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hello Kate.....

This answer was rated:

hello Kate.....
Hello! Nice to hear from you :)
Customer: replied 4 years ago.


are you feeling better? I had an unplanned morning in town with \sam's car but it worked out better than I had thought bc there was a garage very nearby. I got to town at soon after 8, Sam called the AA on our way in but we still had to wait an hour or more. Sam went to college and i took the flat spare to the garage to get a headstart while waiting to be rescues! At least I had my book with me but I couldn't really concentrate properly, need to raed again. AA came, jumped and pumped the car and followed me to the garage where I left it for 2 hours, new battery, new tyre and repair to the spare (again, hope they did a better job this time)

Came home and took the dogs in the field to feed the ponies before going to work. D was htere, wanted to talk, just chat, I tried hard. he told me he'd done some washing for himself and Sam, said he'd got the flea spray, and asked if I was going to move the ponies to the other field; I said no too much hassle for me, I want to keep an eye on them properly from here so they are fit and well to find homes for in the spring. He said he was sorry. I said what for? He said just this, I assume he meant the whole situation he has caused, divorce, division of the property. I was surprised, amazed.

Mark came by yesterday as I was in the field moving hay bales. I haven't seen nor spoken to him for a couple of months (other than in passing). He told me that he starts a building job this week, D will be working with him, but not as a partnership, he will be paying him on a day rate bc he 'loses' him money on every job. He said he can't afford to work with him anymore and wants to break away. I have thought this for a long time, D is probably clinging on as best he can knowing he can't do it alone. So this is D's curtain call. I doubt he has followed up the jobs from the paper that I gave him at the weekend. I'm not going to give him any money for Sam's keep, Sam costs me all that I get from tax credits (mostly on his car!) and he costs D almost nothing save bread and milk and a little electricity and water.

D has his appointment with his solicitor tomorrow, I'll try not to worry about it. My parents were getting anxious about my finances yesterday, reminding me what I had before he came along, and that the barn was a gift to, well, me, but unfortunately as I was married, us. So I don't know how it will go.

Must get supper now before I fall asleep by the fire!

back later

Hilary Rose

Hilary Rose,

It sounds like you have put in two days worth of work today! You really helped Sam out and I imagine he was grateful.

It is amazing that Dave was willing to say he was sorry. If he meant it, it was a nice gesture. It could be a manipulation but at this point, there is no way to tell so accepting it at face value is probably the best bet.

It's sad to hear that Dave is unable to get himself motivated enough to get a good job or at least start to help Mark out to the point he becomes an asset rather than a burden. It sounds like Dave really does expect everyone to carry him through life so he doesn't have to work, be a good father or good husband. And all of his unwillingness to step up to the plate and do what it takes has gotten him into a mess that seems to be only getting worse. Maybe once he hits bottom, he will be able to figure out that he is the only one that can make things better for himself and that no one is going to do it for him anymore.

I hope it goes well at Dave's appointment tomorrow and he does not try to find a way to make things more complicated. I can't imagine that he has much to stand on regarding the divorce or any property, so hopefully nothing will come of it.

I'm on the mend here. Still slow going but there are signs it is passing. Thanks for asking, that was sweet :) I heard on the news they are calling for a bad flu season and I really hope they are wrong!

Talk to you later,

TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you Kate,

I hope they're wrong about the flu too, do you take the jab at all? I have done when I've been nursing but not for years. i can only re,member having one episode of flu when sam was a baby and mum had to look after us both!

i was to have my appointment with Adele tomorrow. She phoned a little while ago to say that she has other commitments at our usual time and could I come on Friday instead. I have just confirmed a day out with Cathy and her daughter for the whole of Friday to the Mall in Bristol, last went there for Poppy's birthday this year. So i couldn't see her Friday. We have arranged for next week, she was talking that perhaps we could have a review session, see where I was and how much progress I have made. Then she said we can plan for next year if I'm still to work with her, or where to go from here. I was really scared for a little bit that she had suggested that I wouldn't see her after next week, I said did she think that I wouldn't be seeing her anymore after Christmas, I was crying, she could tell I was struggling, asked me so. She said not to worry about it, but we had to have a review at certain points in therapy.

Will I know when I don't need therapy any longer? Or is it best for Adele to decide when I need to move on to the next stage (she has plans)? I know I need to wait til next week and not worry. If I show her how needy I am (I try not to) will she think I need to go? Is it bad to feel that way?

I feel a gap now I know I won't see Adele tomorrow, nor Ziggy on Friday. What a state to be in. :(


You will know that you don't need therapy anymore when you go to see Adele and have nothing to talk about. You may see her and talk about your life in general, but you won't have any serious issues to discuss with her. You will want to end therapy when you have learned all the coping mechanisms you need to deal with anything that comes up in your life. You also won't feel depressed, anxious (more than every day or situational anxiety) or have any other symptoms that interrupt your ability to feel settled in your life.

Adele can have input on when you might be done with therapy and would probably talk to you about it when she feels you are ready, but unfortunately most therapists today have to go by insurance rules (or whomever pays the bills). If Adele has to do that, she may try to find a way to keep you in therapy as long as the rules allow. You can ask her about how that works so you know and don't have to feel anxious about it. Most therapists will keep working with you as long as they are allowed.

You don't have to show her that you feel needy. She already is aware of the issues you cope with and if you need to continue therapy. And she is aware that you are not ready to stop yet. I encourage you to talk to her about your fear and ask her what to expect from any review she does, and also what they mean. She will let you know.

You are going through a difficult time right now and ending therapy would probably not be Adele's first option. So if she is at all able, I'm sure she would make every effort to continue with you. Try not to worry, and do talk with her. She can help you with your fear and give you some of the answers that you need to help you know what to expect. And remember, what you feel is normal. Everyone who is in therapy feels anxious about the thought that it might end before they feel ready. But no matter what happens, you have made yourself a good support system to fall back on and you will be fine.

TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you Kate,

this has really got me, I'm trying not to worry. I have been wondering if she had a limit to how long she could see me, especially as it is on the NHS. i have wanted to ask her before, in fact I wrote it in an email a few months ago but I didn't get an answer. Maybe I can talk to Christine my MH Care coordinator, she will ring me next Tuesday, but any notes she makes go onto the system with Adele's. So I don't know if it would be a good idea or not. i will make notes for seeing Adele next week though so that I can talk with a clear head. And to think I was saying a couple of dfays ago that I'd had thoughts (just thoughts) of quitting bc of how I felt she thought of me. I almost can't bear how I feel now, all my own making from my interpretation of a 5 minute phone call.

The evening ahead seems long....


Try not to run with this. It is easy to think the worst, and that will only make you even more anxious. Take a deep breath and try to change your thoughts. And it might be a good idea to talk to Christine. You could always ask her to not write it down (since it is outside of therapeutic issues in a sense) and ask for reassurance.


Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thanks Kate,

OK, thoughts changed, I am a foo how thoughts can grip mel. I've been looking in a slow cooker recipe book to see what I fancy making (and Poppy will fancy eating!) i have made a list of herbs and spices that I could do with adding to my cupboard.

I going to have an early night, I feel totally exhausted (with good reason I guess!)

My thoughts will be different tomorrow. Thanks for your support.

Goodnight Kate, til tomorrow

Hilary Rosexx

:) Slow cookers are fun! I love mine. That is a great thing to focus on. And whenever you find yourself worrying, try distracting yourself. It can help until you can get some answers.

Good night, Hilary Rose. You will be ok no matter what.


Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Hi Kate,

thanks as always. I've had mostly an at home day today, a few chores, walked the dogs. D was due to see his solicitor at 10am but I think he went somewhere with Mark at that time. Maybe his appointment was changed. I'll just have to wait and see.

I tried not to think about missing my session with \\adele, stayed late at work with Kitty then took the dogs to the field to tend the ponies. The Christmas tree I ordered arrived today and Poppy was disappointed to find it was GREEN, not black, but she said it's still pretty so after a few minutes she was OK about it!. It's twinkling away across the room. Just needs a little tinsel and maybe a couple of baubles, not sure yet.

I'm going to the Mall with Cathy and Alice tomorrow, it will be a long day and I'm feeling anxious that I won't cope. Adele says to take time out on my own, which I will certainly do, meet for lunch and coffee I expect. I can't really believe I said I would go, but if I don't say yes sometime I never will. I am a little bothered about leaving the dogs all day, D hasn't told me that he has treated the Barn yet (I expect he's done some but not all- I noticed he has moved the duvet etc off the mattress, and is back in Poppy's room. But no vacuuming.) I expect I'll ask my parents to let the out, but they have been left for full days before, just not at the cottage. It'll be fine.

Heading for an early night, well not that early, but not late! Goodnight Kate, I hope that cold is almost through

Hilary Rosexx

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Oh dear, I'm out of Mirtazapine (30), I should take it now. I won't be able to get my new supply til later tomorrow (I forgot to pick it up today). What a fool, do you think it will make me feel poorly tomorrow? Thought I was on top of things :(


Hilary Rose,

It is great that you are going on an outing tomorrow. It can seem difficult when you feel the way you do about it but once you get there, you will feel better. And Adele is right, taking some time for yourself to take a deep breath and get your thoughts in order can help a lot. You don' t need to make excuses to anyone, just say you'll be back and then take that time. That way, you feel you have some control and that will lessen your anxiety.

Your dogs should be fine. But if it makes you feel less anxious, ask your parents to let them out. It will take the concern away and you can relax easier.

I imagine that it is difficult to wait to see what happens with Dave's appointment with his lawyer. But it would be difficult for him to do much about the divorce and anything else for that matter. He can try to keep the barn and other things you have but at this point, he doesn't have much to go on. He never earned a steady income, he wasn't a good father or husband and he has had issues with the police (which is on record). All that can be taken into account in your situation if he does try anything.

I think you will probably be ok with your medications, but just in case try contacting the pharmacy or your doctor's office just to ask. They will know for sure.

Good night, Hilary Rose. Enjoy your green tree! It sounds lovely :)


PS. The cold is on it's way out! Yay! Thank you for asking :)
TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Hey Kate,

thank you.

Loooong day, not feeling good so just saying hi and goodnight. Hope you are better :) Talk tomorrow

Hilary Rosexx

Sorry you are not feeling good either. I think we both might just need a good stretch of sleep/down time :)

I hope you get some good rest and are feeling better tomorrow.

Thinking of you,


Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Hi Kate,

thank you. I am exhausted, two days on the trot at the shops, glutton for punishment! The Mall with Cathy yesterday was OK, but a long drive there and back (2 hours each way) and of course it was packed with shoppers. Cathy and I had a good chat, it's surprising how much we had to catch up on. Alice was plugged into her music so we could talk freely. It was good to have her support from someone who knows D very well.

But I wasn't really interested in looking in the shops, I just didn't know where to begin, but I did get some toiletries for the kids stockings. I was afraid to spend money without planning what I was doing, didn't go with anything in mind so I couldn't focus. Still, it was a different day, a day out, and my company was appreciated :)

Today, a day I hadn't bargained for..... 3 hours in town with Poppy who initially asked for another piercing, but then changed her mind at the last minute bc I refused to let her have her belly button done instead of another earring which I had agreed to. She is difficult. Then it was going from shop to shop looking for clothes for her Christmas present. No luck. She was unhappy and kept saying I hate shopping (but not as much as I hate shopping with her!!!!!! But I was ultra patient and just felt bad that she wasn't happy and couldn't find anything she liked)

I still have no idea if D has had his meeting with his solicitor. Just have to wait that one out I guess. But I am wondering.

I'm feeling a little better today thank you, XXXXX XXXXX am definitely feeling the shopping in every joint and muscle!

Thinking of you too, more than you can know (I bought my crackers today, with smiles for youWink, so glad you enjoy them too)

Goodnight Kate my friend,

Hilary Rosexx

Hilary Rose,

It sounds like you had a nice time with Cathy but not so much with Poppy! Teens can be complicated like that. I went shopping with mine today for a much needed dress for school and she didn't like a thing, so I can sympathize!

Yay, you have your crackers too! Now we are ready for Christmas, aren't we? :)

Have a good night and sleep well! Talk with you soon,


Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Ah Kate,

you make me smile. Yes, ready (well almost) for Christmas..., I had a rummage in the cupboards at the barn for some tinsel and a few baubles to add to the tree. I've been looking at it this evening thinking something is missing, I think it's coloured lights, I may have to get a few just to round it off.

I've had an OK day but I'm very sore today, to be expected after 2 days at the shops. I couldn't stand in the kitchen to prepare supper and had to resort to codeine to keep going. I've been doing quite well without them so it's OK. I made some parsnip soup, I was certain Poppy would like it, being sweet, but she said it was too parsnipy! I'll have to add more carrots, unless I make carrot soup and slip a bit of parsnip in- there's loads left. She is very naughty about veg.

Anyway, I'm feeling level and uncrazy, I was thinking how nice it is to feel this way, no tension, little stress, almost normal! I took the dogs in the field to tend the ponies, D was just going out in the van to get some milk. The dogs said hello but weren't particularly interested in him, he didn't say the house is ready for them to come back. I know he has stayed out over night a couple of times, maybe he's glad not to have the responsibility of them. It will be very hard to let them go again, although they are more work here than they are at the barn bc the garden isn't escape proof and I need to be careful to keep the clean (tall order around here!) AND they don't let me lie in!

He told me, as I went through the gate, that he'd been making progress with clearing some of the rubbish that he'd accumulated by the gate. He said he's been putting bits in the bin every week (when really it should be taken to the tip bc it's builder's rubbish). I wonder why he's suddenly doing this after all the years of my asking for it to be cleared. I wonder if he has some tricks up his sleeve. I'm really keen to know if he had his meeting with his solicitor, I guess I'll hear this week from Mark, I'm sure he's got it in mind to get on with things now since I have a deadline for leaving the cottage.

With Alexis tomorrow, and pilates. Oh, and maybe a quick trip into town with Poppy's braces; Lola found them on the lounge coffee table when Poppy had gone to the bathroom (the dogs weren't around when she put them there- she has to take them out to eat- she should put them in their box but doesn't), and the wires have been bent somewhat, and of course she can't wear them as they are.

Oh, late again, time for zeds. I did OK without my Mirtazapine on Friday til about 7pm then started to feel peculiar. I took that night's dose then, but wished I hadn't. I haven't taken it before I go to bed before, and I won't again. Sometimes it makes me feel strange while I'm trying to get to sleep, but I guess I'm OK again by morning.

Goodnight Kate, I hope you are completely unsnuffled by now :)

Hilary Rosexx

Hilary Rose,

I imagine that you are pretty sore from all that shopping! And you have been setting up for Christmas too. That is not light work.

Soup sounds delightful! Sorry Poppy did not like it. But that is a kid's way- nothing good for them, just the bad stuff :) Mine are the same way. You can repeat it till you are blue in the face about eating veggies and they just do as they please anyway. The good part is that they eventually become adults and have kids of their own. Then all of mom's wise words finally sink in!

It sounds like Dave might be doing one of two things- either he is cleaning up because he finally sees that he has been wrong all these years, or he does have something up his sleeve and just isn't letting on yet. But just cleaning up won't get him much, I imagine, no matter what. I can't see a judge or anyone giving him much credit for clearing out a mess he created then left all these years. And even if he tried, you do have witnesses to his behavior all these years, so I can't see any gain for him. But it is curious behavior indeed.

I hope all gets worked out with Poppy's braces. My girls both had/have braces and they are a pain (the braces that is!). They lose their retainers, bands, etc. And there are the frequent trips for broken wires. I can't wait till it's all over, as I imagine you can't either!

I hope you sleep well tonight. That is a bit odd about the meds. Maybe you can check in with the doc to ask about side effects. It could be that you are so tense that it is affecting you oddly. Might be good to ask Adele and the doctor about it.

Good night, dear Hilary Rose. I hope you have many nice dreams.

TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Hi Kate,

I've had a fair day, been on better form with Alexis, she had an hour appointment at the hospital, so I could take Poppy's braces to the orthodontist, who said that he might be able to fix them, but needs Poppy's teeth to do so"! We have an appointment tomorrow early. Then we spent an AGE in a very expensive supermarket where I spent unnecessary money, but it's all towards Christmas. It's been a beautiful day, clear blue sky, full sun, warm. All afternoon I was thinking about the dogs, shut in my house, couldn't wait to get home, but it was dusk by the time I got away, but we had a good walk anyway.

But I'm feeling really down tonight. Poppy is being difficult too, she apologised, then came to me in tears and wanted a hug saying she didn't know what was wrong, why she was feeling tearful and crabby. I suggested time of the month, which may be the case, I hope it's nothing more.

I'm still waiting to hear if D has seen his solicitor or not. I went to the Barn earlier when D went out, usual place I expect, to get my post and check the answerphone. My credit card statement had been opened and left on the side. He's not had difficulty in reading my name before now, but the other day he said he accidentally opened one of my letters that was 'stuck' to another of the same size addressed to him. But no 'excuse' this time. I use my credit card for JA, paypal and Amazon- Christmas pressies. But it's mine, he's never had anything to do with it, never had to pay to it, even though I have had to buy him drums on Ebay with it (though not lately). I should have had my mail redirected to the cottage really, but I wanted to trust him. One of the posties puts all my mail through my box, but they don't all know me like he does (and he asked me puzzled one day with post for both addresses!) I don't expect I'll challenge him about it, he will just say it was a mistake. I don't think he's gained anything from it, apart from seeing Just Answer...... i hope he won't check it out, does he have to have an account to access Qs and As, do you know? maybe I'd better be aka Rose again....

Poppy is a bit better now, she has just called me over to watch this on facebook (also one of many on Youtube... ) didn't even know what dubstep was, but it's cool :) And we've had hot chocolate and a chocolate lindt bear (the BEST chocolate, but also the most expensive)

Heading to my bed. Goodnight Kate, hope you are all mended. New question tomorrow....

Hilary Rosexx



Hilary Rose,

It sounds like you had a nice day with Poppy, although she was feeling a bit down. My girls often feel the same way. With how many hormones they have running through them, I imagine it is hard for them to manage each day!

But also, Poppy may be struggling to deal with the aftermath of her time with Dave. She may have just held it all together during all those years she was being abused by him and now that he is no longer around and she can have peace, she may be able to let those feelings out. It could be overwhelming for her. Time will help but if you feel worried, you and I can talk it out to see if she might want to see someone just to talk.

I am sorry to hear that Dave violated yet another boundary of yours. He does not seem to have any respect for your space and your things. It's sad that he is so insecure that he can't even allow you to have your own mail without going through it first. And he doesn't seem to care that you see it. Like you might be fooled by believing that he opened it "by accident". He is either in much denial, or he really thinks you will believe him. Having your mail sent to the cottage might be a very good idea.

Wow, that is a cool video! I could not imagine the work it took to set that up. I'll have to show my kids. They'll love it.

Still coughing a bit but mostly back to normal. Whew! Thank you for asking :)

Good night, Hilary Rose (or just Rose if you decide!). Sleep well!

TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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