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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Hi there. Im in a bit of a tough situation and could use some

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Hi there. I'm in a bit of a tough situation and could use some help. I've been seeing this girl for 11 months now. I know it doesn't seem long but it's crazy. We both agree that we haven't met anyone alike and that we both want to spend our lives together. She had plans to move to the city to study before we met, she moved but was back in two weeks because we couldn't be apart Which I haven't had this feeling before as she said she hasn't. We are both very jealous people. Recently we just got back from a holiday together in Europe. We had the most amazing time. We always do regardless of where we are. We spend every night together except a few hours on Thursday's as I have soccer. A few weeks ago I started taking another night playing pool competitions again only a few hours on wed night then we're together again. Now she has been
Depressed before. She has been seeing a phyciatrist for 2 years. And she said I'm spending too much time apart. That when I leave she just gets really sad and depressed.
Sorry my story is all over the place I'm just trying to fit everything in. When we first started dating I had a crazy ex that wouldn't stop bothering us for the first 4 months. I mean everyday. Harsh messages, emails. Phone calls. Now my girlfriend didn't deal with this well. She told me that she already gave up on us. But she's so dominant she wouldn't loose the fight with her. The ex eventually gave up. And we have proceeded to be happy ever since. Though I have Travelled with my friends before and have had one night stands and I have ALOT of friends. My girlfriend has always been completely honest with everything. She has told me
A few times that she is jealous that I've had more life experiences and that's just our age difference we cannot help that. But it really bothers her. So this week she told me that she wants to see other people because she is jealous I've done more things and she feels so little that I have and that I find it easy to make friends. So she says I want to be with you forever but I'm scared if we start now I'll always be curious what it's like to be with other people. Now she's completely in love but just wants to have a few one night stands. So we said 3 months and we'll get back together. I said I'll do my thing- you do yours. Nope. I'm not aloud to see anyone within this time. It's like she wants to get even with my time. Like I can't help that I'm older. But she says it's the only way it will work. (her mum and dad got together young, father cheated) she's worried she'll want to see people in the long run and it'll be worse or us. Now I'm the jealous type. Really jealous. How do I cope with her seeing other people. She said I'm already being distant and we're not breaking up and she still wants to see me two to three times a week. but I'm scared. Thinking about it now my heart beats so heavily and I feel sick. It's like she loves me but wants to have sex with others for a few months. Am I to wait around. I mean I would do anything for this girl and I'm certain she is the one as she insists I am. But my friends say nothing good about it. I really would appreciate any help you could offer.

Thank you very much.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

First off I want to say that you sound like a really genuine good guy. This girl seems very immature and that she has a problem with dependency. I do not think you did anything wrong by going out to soccer or the pool. Even though we are in a relationship it does not mean that we need to be with our partner 24/7. There are couples that see each other more than others. However, it is good to be active and do healthy activities that you enjoy. By being apart you will miss each other more and even have more conversation. Since you mentioned she has a problem with depression and sees a psychiatrist she most likely has issues with insecurity and low self esteem. This can cause this behavior as well. It is very concerning and something to consider for your future because in life we all need to work, do what we need to do, and etc. This could get worse in the future. Also, another thing I see happen is women who are dependent people and latch on to their boyfriends can latch on to their children and not balance it with their husband. They therefore replace the dependency they had with the husband and transfer it to the child. I am not saying she will do this, but I just wanted to bring up something that could happen if she has dependency issues. You can see if she had any good relationships with family, friends, or boyfriends in the past and then just stopped completely. That would be a sign. In any case even if this is her first sign of it she is still being dependent and not healthy because we should all live our lives in addition to our relationship with our significant other.

As for your ex she seemed to be a problem, but that does not seem to be an issue any longer and looks as if that was handled well.

Now for your main question. I do not think this is a good idea at all nor fair to you. It is understandable if she feels she needs to see other people because she needs to experience life. If she feels this that means she is not ready to settle down yet. If she was ready she would not be saying this. She may love you, but she does not seem to be mature enough to handle a serious relationship. When someone is ready to settle down with the person they love they do not need to see other people to see if that person is good. She could be afraid due to what her parents been through, but she can not hold that against you. It does not seem as though she has gotten to a level that shows she understands that no one is perfect. When we find someone we love we do not care about who is better or worse. There is no better or worse everyone is different. If we were to do that then we would never settle down with anyone. When we find someone we love than there is no need to check around. We just need to decide if we truly love and want to be with them. Also, by having sex with others that will not tell her anything about them. Unless she is just looking to have sex with others and experience that before settling down, which also shows she is not ready to settle down.

Even though you feel you love her and would do anything for her you need to think clearly for your own good in order to not let her take advantage of you. Love is a two way street. Your feelings should not be sacrificed when the person you are sacrificing them for does not care since they are continuing to engage in the behavior that is causing the pain. If she feels she needs to see others then you can not stay together. It would be a temporary break up in order for her to figure out what her next step is, but during that time you BOTH are allowed to do whatever you wish. There will be a set amount of time, such as a month or whatever time you both decide then after that time you will both decide what the next steps are and if you will stay together or not. If you both like you can still see each other during this time. If you do see each other during that time then the quantity would depend on what you both decide. This would be the way to do it if you want to wait for her to experience "life". The way she wants it I would strongly NOT recommend for you. It is not healthy at all and unfair to you. If she can not handle this I would say then she would need to rethink what she really wants. Either way if I were you I would be concerned about the fact that she wants this and try and analyze if indeed you both are on the same level. Sometimes the two people are right for each other, but the timing is wrong. In any case you could try what I mentioned and give it some time then see from there what you both decide. Maybe she will realize during that time that the separation is pointless and she will come back before.
It is good she is getting help with the psychiatrist for her issues.

I hope you can do the right thing for yourself first. Taking care of yourself is your #1 priority since no one else is going to do that, but you. I truly wish you well and please if you have any more questions, need further help, or need clarification do not hesitate to reply.

In the future if you like you can request me by putting my name in your question.

Thanks,
Jennifer
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She has told me she isn't ready to settle down. But after this period of time. That it will be fine and we can settle then she just wants to be with me. But feels she should do it before settling down or she may feel it will happen in our future.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
If this is tearing you apart then I would recommend doing what I mentioned since you will be doing what she wants, but something that is fair to both of you. Even though you may still hurt anyway at least you will be doing right by yourself. If you are dead set on doing it her way then that is fine, but it would need to be a time frame that you agree with, but I think this will be unfair to you as well as more hurtful. In the meantime I would concentrate on doing things you enjoy and concentrate on taking care of yourself. Try not to dwell on her since this will not change anything, but just hurt you more. You need to stay positive in order to be in a better place if she does decide to stay with you and especially for yourself either way.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
It is. I'm so unsure how to cope. I just feel sick about it. I haven't eaten much. But as I said earlier I said we would do our own things but she said she couldn't handle it. Like it'd be a deal breaker. I'll have a good think about it. Thank you very much for your help.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Matty it is my pleasure to help. Yes, think very well about your own well being. If you ever need further help please don't hesitate to come back and ask for me. I will be here for you.

All the best to you.

Jennifer
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I see you have not given me a positive rating yet, so I was just wondering if I can help you further.

Thanks,
Jennifer
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
So we had another chat last night and she has told me she wants to see other people to make herself feel better but is unsure if this will work. She feels that she is smaller than me as I find it easier to make friends. I've done alot of things. She feels small and jealous being with me and isn't sure how to get over it. Could it be that because we both have domonient personalities that it just isn't meant for us. we would like to work through this but as stated before she doesn't know how to get around this. Have you heard of this before? Thanks.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Yes, the problem is that she feels inferior to you because she has low self esteem. She is comparing herself to you. She should not be doing that rather she needs to enjoy you and be a team with you. Her seeing other people will not solve this problem. The problem is within herself. The only way she will feel better is if she finds someone she feels she is better than since this will make her feel good and not inferior. She will feel the way she is feeling now with you with anyone who is active and doing well in life. Her outlook is not right and she is looking at herself and others in an unhealthy manner. This has nothing to do with the two of you not being right for each other. This problem is within her and is something she should work on with her psychiatrist. Usually psychiatrist are for medicine, so I do not know how often she is seeing hers, but I would recommend she goes weekly or finds a therapist she can see. She really needs to work on her self esteem and insecurities in order to help herself and change this. What she is wanting to do will not help her and she will risk losing the good thing she has with you for something that can be fixed with the right help.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I think we've decided to break up because she can't help it at the moment. I feel pretty shit about it and that I should break contact for a while because I'm so sad about this. But I'm kinda mad that she doesn't think that we can work it out. But she wants to remain friends incase in a few weeks she thinks she made the wrong choice. Do I hold out a few weeks or something. I'm so unsure of what I'm meant to do.
Thank you.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
I understand. She is not ready yet and not seeing clearly. Hopefully when she does this she will see that it is the wrong choice. I would try talking to her about what I said when and if you see fit. It may get her upset if she is in denial, but it could bring insight to her, so you would need to be the judge of that. In any case it really is up to you if you want to wait a few weeks to see what happens. It would depend on how you feel and if you can handle it. If you do decide to wait I would put a strict time limit for yourself.
I know this is painful, but remember there is really nothing more you can do and not your fault at all. This is all within her and she needs to get this resolved. I do hope it all works out for the best for both of you.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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