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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Myself and my girlfriend are both counselors and I have to

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Myself and my girlfriend are both counselors and I have to say this is starting out as the healthist relationship I've ever been in. We have both been single a long time and had many bad experiences from past relationships. Using the Imago model, i would say I am the clinger and she the avoider in this partnership, meaning I move INTO anxiety and she moves away. I try to give her space on demand so she is not engulfed. communication between us is wonderful. Now my question: She seems rather conflicted at times. On one hand she told me she has fanizised about marrying me and has even looked at wedding dresses, told her mother and friends about me, etc. However, she refuses to refer to me as her boyfriend and perfers the term "dating." We are exculsive-BTW. When I ask why the energy about the word boyfriend, she responds, "her heart is all in but her head is telling her slow down. She said she;s made such bad choices before, she dosen't trust her own judgement. What can I do? What can I do to help her out of her fear?

Deardebra : Her saying she is taking things slow is her saying that she doesn't want to mess things up. It sounds too me that she has never felt this way before and is worried about losing you. You also mentioned she is the that avoids, the reason why is she feels if she avoids the issues they will just go away and she is also not willing to face if you were upset. How she feels is she sees a future with you this is why she imagines you and her married. The title boyfriend is just a title too her. It has nothing to do with how she feels. She wants to take this slow so she doesn't lose the best thing she has ever had.


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