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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1147
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Thank you for responding. As I stated, I realized hes an

Resolved Question:

Thank you for responding. As I stated, I realized he's an incredibly susceptible man and he's changed with every person that has shown him attention. I read and re-read his emails and honest to God in my gut and in my heart I know he's a heterosexual man but he's in such a volatile state right now. I read his emails and he'll say things like "i'm so happy now and I'm gay and there's nothing wrong with being gay. I just realized that I have always been gay and I have always been attracted to men." It's as if i'm talking to a completely different person that I knew just six months ago. A few times he's told me he's met gay men that have told him that they "turned" gay because of a huge heartbreak with women and now he's telling me that he's always been gay but he was in denial. Quite honestly I think this gay guy he's in a relationship with has told him everything he wants to hear. This gay guy has expressed all this love to him and how he'll never hurt him and is telling him that he's gay. Tony (my ex) is completely convinced that this is the answer to all his problems and he must be gay. I feel completely lost and hopeless. His mother lives close to me, should I go talk to her? According to him they're having a rough time with this which is understandable. At this point, I've been through so much damage and pain that he has caused that I'm not doing this because I want to be with him again. I realized that I genuinely love him unconditionally and would support him through anything and everything plus it helped me see how strong I am on the inside. Besides loving him and supporting him, what can I do? Should I talk to his mother?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
You sound like a very good woman. It is so sad that he is allowing himself to be manipulated by this man. What type of relationship do you have with his mom? How has she been treating him lately? What is her feelings about him thinking he is gay?
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1147
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you and you are a God send to me right now. Thank you. Words cannot express my gratitude.


 


I have no relationship with his mother. I don't think she was too fond of me because I was older than him and she thought I was trying to "pin him down and marry him at a young age". In reality I was doing the opposite, he wanted to get married immediately and start a family. I wanted to wait a few years for us to get married and become more settled with our careers. Anyway his relationship was his mother is really bad right now. When he first got relocated to get stationed in California two years ago (where he's originally from and where his family is) he would stay with his mother every weekend. He would talk to her daily. That's when I first noticed how susceptible he really was. He had told me since he was a kid he dreamed of being a police officer just like his father (the father that abused him) and that's all he ever wanted. When he started spending a lot of time with his mother, within weeks he said that being a cop was stupid and that they don't make any money. That that dream was ridiculous and childish and that he wanted to get his MBA, per his mother's suggestion. He became incredibly boastful and materialistic - just like his mother. He then told me that he didn't want to get married for at least another 8-10 years (his mother's suggestion, he was 24 at the time) and that his mind is set. Those are just a bit of examples of how much he changed with her. After he got out of the military he stayed with her and unfortunately he got into a huge car crash and was bed-ridden for a couple of months. Two months ago she kicked him out because she said that he was a grown man that needed to be on his own. This completely broke his heart and again he felt abandoned. He didn't have a place to live and he told her this, she said she didn't care and for him to figure it out. I didn't know this but he told me later that he slept in the storage unit he rented and in his car for about a month and he would cry all the time. Anyhow - his relationship with her is non-existent now. He told me that they're devastated that he thinks he's gay.


 


I wish you knew him. He's so headstrong. And once he believes something - there's no turning back. The only times he's changed his feelings about someone he loves was when they abandoned him (like his mother, brother, father and ex's that cheated on him) and then he shuts everyone out of his life. Now do you understand why he's petrified of women and getting his heart broken? Cry

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
It is so my pleasure to help and I am glad that you came here. That is very sad. Try not to think negative. Even though he is head strong nothing is impossible even though it may seem it. Since his mom knows already then I guess it cant get worse that it is. My fear was that if she knew she may belittle him and make things worse., but since she knows already the worse I think could happen is she would not want anything to do with you. Maybe you both can think of a plan working together since she was good at manipulating him before maybe she can now put it to good use. Maybe he will then listen to his mom since he did before. I would explain to her how you do not want to go back with him, but you care about him. This way she will not fear you both getting back together since she did not approve.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Wow look at you. Geez I'm shocked at how good you are! I'm serious. I've been in therapy before and it didn't help at all. You're so helpful. Do you see patients regularly? I would love to talk to you regularly about other stuff. Not this major but personal stuff.


 


You're absolutely right! He's seeking love from all the wrong places because the bond with his family is so broken. He literally MIRRORS his guy friends and family members and was obsessed with having their approval. That's what he's doing now with this gay guy. What do you suggest I tell him to hopefully open up his eyes a little as to why he's doing this but yet not come off judgmental nor like i'm scolding him nor lecturing him?


 


 

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
It is my pleasure to help. I really do appreciate your kind words. On this site we are not allowed to give our personal info, but I would love to help you on this site. Whenever you want just request me. I think you should question him about why he feels he was born like this and if he has been hiding it all along. Ask him what he would do if this guy was no longer in the picture. Explain how you do not have anything against him if he really is gay, but you feel that you know him so well and care so much that you do not want him to make a wrong decision.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Show him how much you care for him and want to be there for him. Show him he can trust you add a friend.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1147
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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Jen Helant
Jen Helant
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I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.