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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1363
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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i am a 62 old woman and living with my boyfriend (63) for 9

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i am a 62 old woman and living with my boyfriend (63) for 9 years. He lost interest on sex 2 years ago, I was the only one initiating it, but many times he rejected me and was awful, sad and frustrating, now it has been a year no sex, no intimacy, just a kiss in the morning and at night. I keep in good shape, have been told that i look 52 and pretty. I asked him to go to his doctor for the testosterone level, and the doctor said it was ok. But my boyfriend has no interest, he doesn't look other women, no porno, he became sexless.
The times we have made love he has erection, but cannot have an orgasm, even if I try everything, oral sex, with my hand etc. I dont want to leave him, because I still love him and i dont want to look for a lover. Is there any medication over the counter to increase his libido. PLEASE HELP ME. Thank you, Myriam
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. There can be many things that can be causing his low libido and medication if available may or may not be the answer. You asked the question in the relationship category, but asked for medicine. Would you like me to help you in general with other possible causes or would you like me to send this to the medical category?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

please help me in general. Medication was only another question.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

are u still there jennifer??

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.

Sorry for the delay I was having technical issues. I understand how frustrating this is and I certainly think there is nothing at all wrong with you that could be causing this. The problem is strictly within him.

There can be many issues that can cause this ranging from depression, weight gain, heart problems and other types of health issues that one may not even correlate with sexual libido, changes due to age, medications, alcohol, fatigue,and stress. Most men do not want to talk about it because they can be embarrassed. He is not alone and this is actually quite common among men, but something that usually remains taboo because the men do not want to talk and the women sometimes don't feel comfortable talking with friends about it. It is a good sign that his testosterone is good. This means it can be easier to work through.

Sometimes people in the relationship see things differently. Some people may see it as self satisfying and may no longer have that need whereas some other see it as connecting with their partners. Then there are people that feel so comfortable emotionally with their partner that they no longer feel the need for sex. This can also cause lack of desire. It is very difficult since he is unwilling to open up with you, but he may not even know himself what is causing this and therefore just be embarrassed and can cause him low self esteem.

I would ask him why he does think everything is fine. He knows he is not being intimate with you, so does he believe sex or intimacy is no longer important. I would ask him directly if he thinks this and why. Rather than asking him why he is not intimate and asking to fix it try asking him why he believes there is no problem. Explain why you feel intimacy is important to the both of you and see what his thought in general are about it. When he opens up with his feelings towards it then you can better understand what he thinks about it in order to better respond and work through it. He may be more willing to open up this way rather than to the problem directly.

I would try not to take this personal within you. This is clearly a problem within him. I would have him see a medical doctor in order to do an entire check up. As I had mentioned before many things can contribute to low libido even health issues, such as diabetes, high cholesterol, and more. In the pharmacy I think there are various types of over the counter things you can look at, but I do not know how safe they are or if they work. Also, it depends what is causing his issue since each issue has its own treatment. I would try and analyze everything I said to see what you can eliminate in order to get to the bottom of the cause in order to find the correct treatment.

I would also encourage you to not give up on him as well as to keep trying and doing your part. Do not feel this is you. You sound like a lovely lady that is doing her part as a wife. I would not want your self esteem to go down due to this. This is his issue and you should not feel any less due to this. It has nothing to do with his feelings or attraction to you.

I wish you both well through this stressful time. Please let me know if I can be of further help whether you have more questions or need clarification.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for your answer.

I feel like we live like roommates, we don't talk a lot while we have dinner, we use to have fun, even dance.

He doesn't mind living like roommates, even he ask me maybe we could have separate bedroom because i snore, but I told him absolutely NO, that's will be the end of our intimacy.

His doctor told him maybe was the wine, since he drink a bit too much during the weekend. I think also that he is lazy to make love and usually he wants to get over with fast, not a lot of preparation, I love to kiss and he not too much, he is not a great lover but i dont mind, i still want to have sex with him and be touched, we dont touch a lot. We sleep in the same bed (a king one) and we don't touch, maybe i should change the bed for a queen one where we can cuddle.


I wont give up on him, but is very hard, please give me more tips what I should said to him or should I start touching him more. Yesterday I gave him a french kiss and he responded. I need sex, I have erotics dreams, I masturbate sometimes.


Should I just forget about sex and live like that we are only friends???


Thank you for your help....... Myriam

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Hi Myriam,

I like your idea about the queen bed I think that is a great idea. I think you made the right choice to not sleep in separate bedrooms. I don't think thou should give up. If you love him and want to stay I would continue to keep on trying. Prepare the scene like romantic music, rose pedals, a bath. Give him a massage and little kisses all over his body. Anything you think he could possibly like do it. Also, do to him what you would like him this do as well. Think about what you both enjoyed in the beginning of your relationship and try to relive those moments as possible. Make romantic dinners and a movie as well as making date nights. Little things mean a lot such as little caresses when you pass by, that unexpected French kiss as well as things like whispering in his ear compliments and your feelings for him. I hope that was helpful and I wish you both well. Please let me know if I can help further.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1363
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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