How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question

Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1146
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
13551071
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Jen Helant is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

i am a 62 old woman and living with my boyfriend (63) for 9

Resolved Question:

i am a 62 old woman and living with my boyfriend (63) for 9 years. He lost interest on sex 2 years ago, I was the only one initiating it, but many times he rejected me and was awful, sad and frustrating, now it has been a year no sex, no intimacy, just a kiss in the morning and at night. I keep in good shape, have been told that i look 52 and pretty. I asked him to go to his doctor for the testosterone level, and the doctor said it was ok. But my boyfriend has no interest, he doesn't look other women, no porno, he became sexless.
The times we have made love he has erection, but cannot have an orgasm, even if I try everything, oral sex, with my hand etc. I dont want to leave him, because I still love him and i dont want to look for a lover. Is there any medication over the counter to increase his libido. PLEASE HELP ME. Thank you, Myriam
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Hi,

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. There can be many things that can be causing his low libido and medication if available may or may not be the answer. You asked the question in the relationship category, but asked for medicine. Would you like me to help you in general with other possible causes or would you like me to send this to the medical category?

Thanks,
Jennifer
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

please help me in general. Medication was only another question.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

are u still there jennifer??

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Hi,

Sorry for the delay I was having technical issues. I understand how frustrating this is and I certainly think there is nothing at all wrong with you that could be causing this. The problem is strictly within him.

There can be many issues that can cause this ranging from depression, weight gain, heart problems and other types of health issues that one may not even correlate with sexual libido, changes due to age, medications, alcohol, fatigue,and stress. Most men do not want to talk about it because they can be embarrassed. He is not alone and this is actually quite common among men, but something that usually remains taboo because the men do not want to talk and the women sometimes don't feel comfortable talking with friends about it. It is a good sign that his testosterone is good. This means it can be easier to work through.

Sometimes people in the relationship see things differently. Some people may see it as self satisfying and may no longer have that need whereas some other see it as connecting with their partners. Then there are people that feel so comfortable emotionally with their partner that they no longer feel the need for sex. This can also cause lack of desire. It is very difficult since he is unwilling to open up with you, but he may not even know himself what is causing this and therefore just be embarrassed and can cause him low self esteem.

I would ask him why he does think everything is fine. He knows he is not being intimate with you, so does he believe sex or intimacy is no longer important. I would ask him directly if he thinks this and why. Rather than asking him why he is not intimate and asking to fix it try asking him why he believes there is no problem. Explain why you feel intimacy is important to the both of you and see what his thought in general are about it. When he opens up with his feelings towards it then you can better understand what he thinks about it in order to better respond and work through it. He may be more willing to open up this way rather than to the problem directly.

I would try not to take this personal within you. This is clearly a problem within him. I would have him see a medical doctor in order to do an entire check up. As I had mentioned before many things can contribute to low libido even health issues, such as diabetes, high cholesterol, and more. In the pharmacy I think there are various types of over the counter things you can look at, but I do not know how safe they are or if they work. Also, it depends what is causing his issue since each issue has its own treatment. I would try and analyze everything I said to see what you can eliminate in order to get to the bottom of the cause in order to find the correct treatment.

I would also encourage you to not give up on him as well as to keep trying and doing your part. Do not feel this is you. You sound like a lovely lady that is doing her part as a wife. I would not want your self esteem to go down due to this. This is his issue and you should not feel any less due to this. It has nothing to do with his feelings or attraction to you.

I wish you both well through this stressful time. Please let me know if I can be of further help whether you have more questions or need clarification.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for your answer.

I feel like we live like roommates, we don't talk a lot while we have dinner, we use to have fun, even dance.

He doesn't mind living like roommates, even he ask me maybe we could have separate bedroom because i snore, but I told him absolutely NO, that's will be the end of our intimacy.

His doctor told him maybe was the wine, since he drink a bit too much during the weekend. I think also that he is lazy to make love and usually he wants to get over with fast, not a lot of preparation, I love to kiss and he not too much, he is not a great lover but i dont mind, i still want to have sex with him and be touched, we dont touch a lot. We sleep in the same bed (a king one) and we don't touch, maybe i should change the bed for a queen one where we can cuddle.

 

I wont give up on him, but is very hard, please give me more tips what I should said to him or should I start touching him more. Yesterday I gave him a french kiss and he responded. I need sex, I have erotics dreams, I masturbate sometimes.

 

Should I just forget about sex and live like that we are only friends???

 

Thank you for your help....... Myriam

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Hi Myriam,

I like your idea about the queen bed I think that is a great idea. I think you made the right choice to not sleep in separate bedrooms. I don't think thou should give up. If you love him and want to stay I would continue to keep on trying. Prepare the scene like romantic music, rose pedals, a bath. Give him a massage and little kisses all over his body. Anything you think he could possibly like do it. Also, do to him what you would like him this do as well. Think about what you both enjoyed in the beginning of your relationship and try to relive those moments as possible. Make romantic dinners and a movie as well as making date nights. Little things mean a lot such as little caresses when you pass by, that unexpected French kiss as well as things like whispering in his ear compliments and your feelings for him. I hope that was helpful and I wish you both well. Please let me know if I can help further.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1146
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Counselor
Jen Helant
Jen Helant
1066 Satisfied Customers
I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.