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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Wow - you truly are amazing. You hit the nail on the head.

Resolved Question:

Wow - you truly are amazing. You hit the nail on the head. I will say this as well, the last time we slept together (about 3 months ago) he kept saying how much he loves me and he was so ecstatic about our love making. He was constantly telling me how much he loved me and how no one could replace me. When he mentioned today that he was sure he was gay, I mentioned to him how he cried each time he told me he loved me, how jealous he becomes and that he always dreamt of us getting married. He just said "oh I wanted to just believe that because I was in denial". Frankly Jen, he's done this to me before - when he doesn't want to feel pain - he denies his feelings for me. He then said "Oh I've always been attracted to men. And now this guy I'm dating has made him feel so comfortable and happy". It killed me because I remember how susceptible he is/was to anyone that showed him attention. Like I said he changed his entire life for his mother, he changed his points of views for his brother and the previous best friend he had, he became this guy's mirror image. It killed me because I feel like this gay guy is completely manipulating him. And he has such a big heart that anyone that shows him love, he becomes their best friend and confidant because he has no one else and he trusts men. Because he was a marine, he's very stubborn and he's dead-set that he's gay. How in the world could I possibly be there for him? Honest to God (and I am placing my hand on a Bible right now) in my gut and soul - I think he's so lost and he's not gay. But what could I possibly do? he's deadset that he's gay. Oh and he was in counseling for a little bit and he said that that's what made him realize that he gets along with men better. I'm so lost and heartbroken. Sigh....
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I appreciate your kind words and rating. It is my pleasure to help. I understand everything you are saying and I agree with you. He just feels loved by this man, so he thinks he is in love. He seemed to truly love you and probably does since you can not just flick love off like a light switch, but he is so afraid to get hurt. His mother was not there to protect him and his exes betrayed him, so he even though he finally met a good woman he is so deathly afraid and can not handle it. His father even though abused him he showed him attention and was there to discipline him, but he never got the love from him. He must feel he can trust men cause of this and craves their love to replace the love he never got from his father. It is so difficult when a little boy has a father figure like that. They really need positive figures to be role models.

I know you want to help so much, but besides what I mentioned and how you have been there for him unfortunately there is not much more you can do. Its so difficult when we see someone we love go down the wrong path. It can just eat us up inside especially when we know it is not right or think it is not good for them. It is within him, so he does not see clearly and your right this other man can be manipulating him. It is so very sad. Try and ask him if things did not work out with this man would he be still looking for a man or a women. Ask him what makes him feel he is gay. If he thinks two men are disgusting that how can he be attracted to a man. Is it more a friendship he is looking for rather than a "boyfriend". These are all questions you can ask him to get his mind stirring.

I believe he is lost right now. You mentioned the bible. I do not know what you believe, but maybe you can invite him to church or if you don't go maybe the two of you can go together. You mentioned he said counseling helped him to realize he is gay. Ask him why does he feel that way? Encourage him to go back. He does not need to see that therapist. He needs to find one he feels comfortable with and someone that can help him. There are many types of therapies out there. He needs to find the right type that is specific for his situation. This will truly help him with his issues. Ask him how long he has been thinking in men? You can try to if you would say "manipulate" him, but in a good way for sure in order to help him in order to show him what he is saying is not matching up. If you see he says one thing and did another or said something, but does not coincide with something he said or did before you can question all of this in order for him to ask himself if he truly feels he has been gay or using that as a cover up to prove what he thinks is true. It can prove points to make him question his sexuality to analyze if he is indeed confusing it with other issues.

He is wanting love, so the best thing you can do in addition to this is prove your love ( if indeed this is how you feel and want). By showing your love through actions and words in time it may make him want to come back. If you do not want to get back together then show him love as a friend. This too can cause him to get the love he needs from you, so he no longer needs it from this man. He can then maybe get back to thinking clearly in order to decide who it is he wants for a partner.

Since he has a big heart and craves love this may be the way you can win him from making the wrong choice. I am so sorry how hurt you are by this and I would try and take it day by day. Try and not worry because that will only cause you to stress and impair your thinking. I know it must be a lot of pressure for you, but if you care about him you need to be the strong one now for him to help him change. But don't let it bring you down since that will only make things worse. Stay positive even when things are not looking so. There is a belief called the Pygmalion effect. It is the belief that the more positive we are the more positive we will behave and therefore our outcomes are more likely to me more positive. I want to encourage you to try and stay positive through this and I am here for you anytime you need.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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