Whilst I understand that sharing feelings is important, Im not sure that now is the right time. He feels pressured when I do that and I have done it a lot in the past. He would know how I was feeling. Im confused about the sex thing. A lot of advice suggests that I need to let him come to me with sex and touching. ONe of the things recently is that with sex, he has always had to initiate. I dont want him to feel he has to now, its just another thing to satisfy me or give in to me. He puts it as 'kowtowing' if he gives into my demands at the moment. Also if he suggests an outing I assume I should go? What do you think about how to give him space as he asks? He means emotional and some physical space.
Im also so frantic about him approaching that female friend and also scared he will find out I was snooping in his phone and accidently called her. What do i say if he mentions it? He will be angry with me and this will push him away further.
My gut feeling is not to tell him about the incident with the woman, if she doesnt tell him he wont find out. I am afraid to tell him because he will know that I was snooping and feel infringed upon. That terrifies me because I will push him further away. Surely it is better to trust this woman? Ive met her and she seems genuine and caring.
Im just struggling to get through each day at the moment and to keep the interactions as positive as I can. I dont have anyone to talk to because we live in a small town where it will get around if I trust anyone. im kind of angry that he has chosen to talk to this woman when we agreed not to tell anyone. I cant raise that with him because I will give my daughter away.
I certainly understand that. I would just say its better to tell him now if it is going to bother you and also if there is a good chance he will find out and get even more upset. But if you think he will not find out then best to leave it in the past because you did not do something wrong like cheat or etc. You also had reason to do that and was trying to protect yourself. Telling him may just add more stress to the relationship. I also understand why you can not bring up the other women. Try not to focus on that since he probably was just trying to get advice as you daughter said. Focus on restoring the relationship and then go from there if there are any new issues. I understand how it can be difficult if you have no one to talk with and coming to this site was a good start for you because sometimes just getting out all of our feelings can take a lot of the stress off our shoulders and help us to feel better. I will be here for you whenever you need to talk you can request me.
Thankyou for that. I find the hardest thing is keeping focused on everyday life instead of dwelling on my marriage issues. I have spent too much time since it all happened seeking advice, its making me crazy. im also not able to sleep properly or eat, I have no desire for food. I am afraid to go home in case I mess up. Burying my emotions and hiding how I feel from Matt is not what I have done much in the past. i usually blurt them out, make him responsible and expect either support or for him to change. He has stepped up to the plate as often as he can and recently without much reciprocated or much attention at all. I often poo poohed what he did offer and demand more. I am kicking myself for this now. All I can think is 'when will this misery end'
My daughter asked him about his call logs which had all the texts listed he had sent to this woman. He has now deleted his call logs. Why is he hiding this stuff. My daughter suggested that perhaps he thinks I will get angry if I know that he is texting this woman on the weekend and at night. Yes I am angry but Im not going to say anything. unless you think I should ask? Asking might make him feel controlled. I feel totally disrespected!!
Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX sad this morning and still feeling pretty anxious.
I have a reasonably full life and I havent dropped any of my activities at this time. i swim and ride an exercise bike, garden, and I have dogs and horses. I have a few friends I will still hang with but some are people at this stage I will steer clear of for many reasons.
My husband was hostile last night and I discovered he had deleted his call logs and changed his phones security code. I think this is about control, and also as a way of keeping me distant. I am still worried about the texts but saying something will not make things any better between us nor stop him texting if he wants to so I will say nothing. I think she is just trying to help him and I think he is desperate for someone to talk to.
I can tell he is really conflicted and has a lot on his mind as he becomes very withdrawn and reflective at times. I am trying to respect his need for space and offer no pressure. I am also keeping my feelings away from him and trying as far as possible to appear normal and also friendly.
This is not easy because I am so anxious and in pain.
Things have progressed quite rapidly since I last emailed you. The night before last I had a conversation with my husband that resulting in him saying that he didnt think things would work out and that he wanted to go. He said he regretted the sex on Saturday night because it gave me false hope. He wanted to sell the house but felt we could stay in the house together with everything the same except that he would move into the spare room and we would live like 'room mates'. I agreed.
I went to see a counsellor who had counselled us earlier in the year and also him on his own. Through this session I came to realise some things. Firstly that although I have behaved badly it is not all my fault, secondly he helped me to realise that some of Matt's previous patterns are repeating themselves this time, and thirdly helped me to consider what I should do. My options were to remain in the house as Matt suggested. Leave and move somewhere else or for him to move out. I decided that for me to stay would be too hard. I want to be his wife, not a room mate and I have been so stressed, traumatised and anxious these last two weeks. I want to keep myself calm and Im afraid staying will mean that the pressure will get to me and i will explode and I dont want to do that. I had thought that perhaps if we did stay in the house together he might realise I had changed and companionship might be the start of the rekindling of the relationship. I dont really believe this because him staying makes the transition really easy for him to start with, it also means that he would be on edge if I did anything that he might construe as me believing that we had a chance. So I discarded this option. The next option was that I move out. I felt that this would be extremely unfair considering that he wanted to leave, not me and that I also earn less than him making my options for another place very limited and also meaning that my daughter couldnt come with me if she wished due to the financial constraints.
So the only other option was to tell him to go. This would mean that he would have to face, really soon, what being separated really means. the loneliness, isolation, uncomfortableness of being away from his home, he has never lived alone before or being a single man since he was 19. I explained that he would have to pay maintenance, half the mortgage and also 50% of other expenses related to him. He was furious and left straight away to look for somewhere, threatening that he didnt know if he would be back that night. He did come back, not long after with rental info, a small 1 bedroom flat, which means my daughter cannot stay with him. he says this is a money issue. He was still angry, at a number of points he threatened things, like withdrawing offers of certain support and telling me I was pushing him further away by doing this. I still feel at peace with this decision but incredibly panicky that he will go out of my life forever and remain angry with me. i am actually hoping this move will draw him back at some point. He kept saying I 'wanted him out' and I corrected him every time by saying that no I didnt, I wanted the marriage to work and explaining why I had come to this decision to ask him to go. He said he accepted that but he still acted very angry.
Please can you advise me where to go from here. I know that contacting him will be a no no for a while. I will miss him terribly and it is difficult enough now and he hasnt gone yet. i hope I have made the right decision. I want to draw him back.
Please can you help me to get through the pain I am feeling at the loss of my husband. He has gone and I am trying not to contact him for a period of time to give him space and also in the hope that he will miss me and contact me. I am so unsure of where to go from him in the hope that I might reconcile with him. Please help me to know what to do. I have trawled every advice site on how to win your husband back and all of them seem to be saying the same thing. Give him space, dont pursue him, keep upbeat and light when you have contact. I fear that nothing will bring him back to me and I am terrified. We had so much even with all the bad stuff, but maybe he doesnt see it that way anymore. How can I approach this so I can cope also. PLease help.