Hi! You know, to give you the best answer, I think I should ask you a few questions first that will help define the problem and the situation.
I can see how a "talk it out" approach would be frustrating here: he's a nice guy so talking can feel like you're being just demanding and a complainer. Of course, the problem is: how are you going to communicate what you want and ask why you're not getting it without talking?
So our first decision has to be: are you trying to decide yes or no on continuing with him on your own based on the information you now have? Or do you want more information?
If you are not interested in asking him, then I need to get a sense of how you see him: is this a "values" problem? Meaning, are you interested in a more intense, love oriented relationship? And he is interested in a more casual, friends with benefits relationship?
If so, are you willing to have this friends with benefits relationship or is it time to move on?
Any extra information that will help, feel free to share.
Yeah that is exactly how i feel
i want more of a love oriented relationship, not being friends with benefits
I am just not sure how to solve this. Obviously, talking will occur but I just don't know what to say
First, let me say you are both still very young. And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. I see from what you have written me the sincerity in your desires for this relationship. And it seems he is also sincere in his desires for this relationship.
But I also see that you two are seeing two separate relationships, like we discussed above. You are ready and want to sign up for a real full-time relationship that might go to the next level or might not; but it will at least develop as much as it can. He seems to have bought into the friends with benefits model that a lot of young people are trying on.
Partly, that model protects young people from getting hurt if the other person does something that would be hurtful. But it also prevents the kind of bonding and learning how to love that real full-time relationships give the couple.
It's important to note that neither you nor he is RIGHT or WRONG. It is not a situation that being boyfriend/girlfriend is your way or his way. It is that both boyfriend and girlfriend have to share the same outlook or there will be problems. Like the problem you are encountering.
And I'm glad you are willing to try to see if you can share what you feel and see how he reacts to it. I think that he's so nice makes it worth to at least present what you see as the desirable way to be together to him and give him a chance to think about it and try it on instead of the casual approach he's comfortable with.
So I want you to spend a little time first thinking about what relationships mean to you and what your VALUES are and how you feel relationships need that intensity to actually be growing experiences and to be fulfilling. Then I think when the two of you are together, go to a Starbucks or other quiet place and discuss it. Have a serious adult discussion about values, what you each see as being the parameters of your relationship. What you each are looking for and how you would like the other person to see the relationship. And see if they match. Or see if either one of you is prepared to truly be happy living with the other's values. This will tell you what you can expect from the relationship.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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