How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question

Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Jen Helant is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

RA hs

Customer Question

My boyfriend and I are both 19, we've been together for 4 months, dating for 5. Although we live less than 5mins away from each other, we only see each other once a week. We used to contact each everyday without fail, but now it's once every three or so days. He says that he likes that I'm independent and I know that's an important quality to have, to remain your own person in the relationship. But this feels ridiculous. I feel neglected. I try to contact him more often at times, and I've spoken to him about this before, but then he claims that its because he's busy with work. I know for a fact that he doesn't work so often that it'd make it difficult to contact me. I also know that he goes out with friends quite often.

We're seeing a movie together in a couple of days (as per my request) and will talk to him about it on that same day. I have no idea how to bring this up again, or whether to call it quits.
When we're actually together, everything's perfect. He seems fine, is caring, considerate (usually), eager to help out with things etc. I couldn't ask for more. If I leave it up to him to contact me during the week, it'll be twice.
Is this even normal? Every other relationship around me, they are with each other quite often, most days.
Does it sound like he's just not interested? But then is so lovely in person? I'm hesitant to break up with him, seeing as we just get along so well, so effortlessly when we're together.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to help. I understand where you are coming from and why you feel like this. Every couple is different and at different stages. I understand that it may be natural to feel the urge to compare, but it is best not to because sometimes things seem good on the outside, but may not be as good as it seems on the inside. You both may have different priorities currently. Maybe he enjoys being with friends or alone time and feel he needs that right now. This is not necessarily right or wrong. Its just that some people are ready for certain things at certain times whereas others may not yet be. You may be ready to step the relationship up by being together more and lessen the time spent with friends and he may not be. This doesn't mean that the relationship is not good, but it just may mean the timing is different for the both of you. It seems that he is a good guy and you get along very well. It would be sad to let that go due to this. However, your concerns are real and should be addressed. I think the best thing you can do when you have the talk with him is let him know how you feel about him. Tell him how good you think the relationship is between the two of you, but explain that you think you both may have different ideas of how the relationship should be as the present time. Tell him you would like to go over what it is you both want and see for the relationship to be sure you are both on the same page. Tell him you don't want to force him to be ready for something he is not, but do think the relationship is wonderful and would like more of it. Try and find out what it is he wants in order to determine if you feel the relationship will eventually lead on the path you are looking towards or if you feel you both just have completely differently goals and there is no hope of it changing in the near future. I believe talking about this is the important factor and getting to the point of whether or not you both are on the same page. I do not see that it is a question of if he cares about you or if the relationship is good or not. He does seem to care about you by what you wrote as well as seem interested in you. It is more based on the fact of you both having different goals and priorities in a relationship at the present time. This is why if you both can discuss these issues directly I think you will be able to get to the bottom of this in order to make a decision best for the both of you whether it be stay together as is for now, make a compromise, separate, or etc. At least you will both be on the same page, do what necessary, and then go from there.

I wish you both well, but if you have any more questions or need clarification about this then please do not hesitate to ask me I am here to help.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi Melika,

I noticed you have not left a positive rating for me yet, so I just was wondering if I can help you any further.

Thanks,

Jennifer
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
It was a low quality answer. It was expected to answer with a "talk it out". I need a better quality and REAL help
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.

Hi! You know, to give you the best answer, I think I should ask you a few questions first that will help define the problem and the situation.

I can see how a "talk it out" approach would be frustrating here: he's a nice guy so talking can feel like you're being just demanding and a complainer. Of course, the problem is: how are you going to communicate what you want and ask why you're not getting it without talking?

So our first decision has to be: are you trying to decide yes or no on continuing with him on your own based on the information you now have? Or do you want more information?

If you are not interested in asking him, then I need to get a sense of how you see him: is this a "values" problem? Meaning, are you interested in a more intense, love oriented relationship? And he is interested in a more casual, friends with benefits relationship?

If so, are you willing to have this friends with benefits relationship or is it time to move on?

Any extra information that will help, feel free to share.


Dr. Mark

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Yeah that is exactly how i feel


i want more of a love oriented relationship, not being friends with benefits


 


I am just not sure how to solve this. Obviously, talking will occur but I just don't know what to say

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I understand that you were looking for a different answer, so you relisted the question, but I see you have not accepted the other expert's answer yet either. I noticed that you said you do not know what to say to your boyfriend, so I was just wondering if you would like me to write examples of conversation that you could use to talk about this issue with him?

Thanks,

Jennifer

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency