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Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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My girlfriend for a year and I have recently broken up. We

Customer Question

My girlfriend for a year and I have recently broken up. We are college student and both extremely intelligent and ambitious. The thing is that this semester we both decided to get extremely involved on campus and because of that we didn't have much time for one another. Soon we began arguing all the time, and we could never have a civil conversation because of some misconception along the way. The amount of stress from work as well as the faulting relationship have extremely negative affects on me and at one point I was in a really dark place and when I needed her the most she walked away from me. I felt betrayed and told her I was done with everything, because I felt that she prioritized wrong and took while giving nothing but empty promises back. Then last week we had a heart to heart conversation, and got on her knees and apologized and asked for a second chance. I decided to give it to her but as of late although we aren't in a relationship because we decided to start from square one as acquaintances and build up, she hasn't tried contacting me although she said she would try had to gain my trust and respect once again. I want to get back with her but I keep making mistakes like crying in front of her and panicing around her. I messed up on monday and it's thursday it hasn't even been a week. I always see her with a guy from her fraternity and it makes me feel worse and I can't help but feel like we're getting more distanced. What do I do? I know I want her back how do I do that even though I've messed up?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 2 years ago.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer. I am so very sorry to hear how you are hurting. Let me ask you a few questions so that I understand better how to help you.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You said that the two of you had a heart-to-heart and that she apologized and asked you for a second chance. You then said that you are not in a relationship now. So let me ask what was the second chance? What did the two of you decide when you had your heart-to-heart? It seems from what you have said is that you are at square one. What decisions did the two of you make? You are acquaintenances, yes, but was anything decided about when and if you would get together? Then you said that you have cried in front of her. So was that an arranged date or was it just bumping in to one another? Fill me in on some of these details so that I'll know better how to help you to proceed.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You messed up on Monday --- well how was it arranged that you met up on Monday? How did you mess up?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So I will await your response to better be able to respond.

Customer:

When we had our heart to heart it was because she betrayed my trust that she asked for a second chance to gradually rebuild what she lost and she promised me that she would try her hardest to get back to the place where we were at before.

Customer:

On monday I knew she was working in the library and I stopped by, we started talking and things went for the worse and we both teared up and she said at one point that she couldn't do this and I took back my remarks and told her that I would be patient. Monday we just bumped into each other, I told her how depressed I was and how messed up I was and I think that pushed her even further away.

Customer:

icarus

Customer:

omit the icarus thing

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Hi, There seemed to be some technical difficulties. Let me read what you wrote.

Customer:

ok

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Ok, so what you are saying is that no arranged meetings were held --- you just going to the library.

Customer:

yes

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

What you should do is wait a few days. Don't go to the library. She is working and it would be a difficult place to get emotional if she is working.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Why don't you call her up and arrange to have dinner or even coffee. Bring some flowers. Try and be romantic.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Because then you will see where she is coming from. Because from what you have told me I can't really say what is going on.

Customer:

because the level of trust she wants to work up from acquaintances

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

She apologized. One would think then that she wants to get back together but her actions don't fit.

Customer:

I think she may think Im trying to force her to jump into something

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So to know where she is coming from it would help if you reached out and then we'll know loudly and clearly by her actions where she is coming from.

Customer:

another factor I might not have mention was the fraternity she's recently gotten into

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Try to keep your crying out of it. Cry on my shoulder --- not hers, not yet. Reach out to me if you need to.

Customer:

okay

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So she may be involved with the stuff going on at her sorority.

Customer:

how about the fact that she doesn't try to contact me or her old friends instead she avoids us or if she sees me I don't even get a hi

Customer:

I just dont how to go about things nothing seems to be in my favor

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

That doesn't sound good. That's why I said for you to reach out. Then you'll know very clearly by her actions what is going on.

Customer:

reach out how?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Look, if she is not showing you any care or concern, you don't need her to mistreat you.

Customer:

I can't make it seem like I'm trying to force her into a relationship.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

How to reach out --- I would call her and suggest you get together. Let her pick a time. If she doesn't make a plan with you, then that should tell you something.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

No, that's right. Don't make it seem like you are forcing her into a relationship.

Customer:

okay so show I do this next week?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I know you don't want to hear this but if she is not showing any interest then it is time to move on. You don't need to be a masochist. You don't deserve anybody not treating you right.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Yes, do that next week and you will see very clearly where she is coming from.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Remember to contact me if you wish just by putting Dr. Shirley Schaye before your quetion after you have contacted her should you wish to run anything past me.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

OOPS!!! question

Customer:

okay she's got me a christmas present btw.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Did you get her one? You should if she got you one.

Customer:

she got me one right before the thing on monday

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

BTW, did she get it before all this or recentlt?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Oh, So get one for her.

Customer:

recent

Customer:

okay

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Cry with me --- not her. Let's see where it goes.

Customer:

I'm still wondering if she still wants to try this second chance because of monday.

Customer:

cry how?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Well, that's what we want to find out.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Cry, how? --- I mean rant or rave or let all your feelings out with me.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Try to contain things a bit with her.

Customer:

Well on Monday I told her how I felt so distance and still neglected although she told me she would try really hard.

Customer:

She made promises with me and she forgot them so easily

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So let's now see if she will try hard.

Customer:

she kept talking about this co-ed pre-law fraternity that I hate because they prompted the downfall of a beautiful relationship

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So now let's see if she will keep her promises or not. If she doesn't, you don't need someone who is not caring and loving with you. Her actions will tell it all.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So it seems that that is what is preoccupying her now.

Customer:

I told her that I was suffering from severe depression and that I was hurt.

Customer:

Yeah she calls them her family

Customer:

and says they will always be their for her

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

And seems to be tossing you aside.

Customer:

yes.

Customer:

and there is this guy she always hangs out with.

Customer:

I dunno what she does with him.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Not good. As I said, you don't deserve such treatment.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

That's no good either.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I don't like that.

Customer:

they're in a class together so they study. but I dunno what else they do

Customer:

it drives me mad and I don't want to jump to conclusions

Customer:

but...I can't help it

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Well, you will know better when you reach out to her --- whether she is receptive or not. Remember --- Actions Speak Louder Than Words.

Customer:

she cares or at least she has shown me genuine care a lot this past year together

Customer:

but...

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Of, course, it drives you mad. You are only human.

Customer:

ugh...

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

but... what????

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Yes, but was this care before the joining of the fraternity?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

And now that she has joined is that when she has been tossing you aside?

Customer:

It's as we said before I feel tossed aside because of this frat...

Customer:

yeah.

Customer:

I've always supported her and she use to support me.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Yes, you are right on. I agree.

Customer:

she cried once when she couldn't come to a show of mine because I'm on the step team at our school.

Customer:

she cried because she missed my should and she spent a night with me.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So now the question about this dilemma is to find out where she is coming from. And the only way to find out is for you to reach out and see how she responds. Then you'll know for sure.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Before or after frat?????

Customer:

during her process

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

She wasn't in yet.

Customer:

but then I made things harder once she started tossing me aside again.

Customer:

during her process

Customer:

she is still the girl I fell for..

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So let's see. Reach out. Let's see what she does and then reach out to me so I can help you further.

Customer:

but shes being influenced in my opinion

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I know that. That's pretty clear but we have to find out where she is coming from.

Customer:

okay so what signs am I looking for...other than eye contact because I barely get that.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

That doesn't matter if she is being influenced. She is an adult and responsible for her own actions.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Let's see if she agrees to get together with you and then when and if she does, you will know by her behaviour where she is.

Customer:

should I ask her to meet with me the week I reach out to her or give it another week?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

And you, as I said can ask another question by putting Dr. Shirley Schaye before the question and we'll together go over what happened.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Ask the week you reach out.

Customer:

lunch may be?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Where are you at college, btw?

Customer:

University at Albany.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Lunch or dinner.

Customer:

ok

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Then we'll go over everything.

Customer:

this has all happened with in a course of 2 weeks though the problem has been happened over 3 months

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So, let's take one step at a time. I'll help you get to the root of this and more importantly, if she is not there for you, I will help you remove yourself from being hurt by her.

Customer:

Also I know I shouldn't be saying this or thinking like this but talking to you is giving me so much hope. It's scary in the sense that they may all be crushed but feels nice because I finally have someone helping me toward try to get with someone who means the world to me.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

How long has she been with this fraternity?

Customer:

she crossed they tuesday before thanksgiving but was in its processes since september and that's how long I've been trying not to lose her.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I am there for you. I can't make her be with you. I am sure you understand that. But what I can do is 1) Be there for you and 2) Help you work things out so that if she doesn't want to be with you you can free yourself to be with someone who you think the world of but to be with someone that also thinks the world of you.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So, you are beginning to see what is going on. It's clear, isn't it?

Customer:

?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Not clear!!!!

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

The fraternity is where she has moved on to.

Customer:

I don't want to believe fully till I reach out successfully.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

We are in total agreement. That's why I suggested that you reach out to her first and then let me know what transpired so that I may be of further help to you.

Customer:

ok.

Customer:

My heart almost completely shattered...whew

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I'm here for you, just remember that. I'll help you through this.

Customer:

is there a way I can contact you just in case I see her and I get the urge to jump at her feet or if I have a moment during the day where I want to find her?

Customer:

I can't contact her until next week and I don't want to break that like I always do.

Customer:

I don't want to make anymore mistakes

Customer:

I'm tired of these growing pains

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Ask another question and put Dr. Shirley Schaye before the question. I'm not allowed to give you my contact information. I hope you understand.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So don't do anything that you think will push her away. Contact Dr. Shirley Schaye first.

Customer:

I know I won't always get to you online unless you have a schedule?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I'll keep checking, I promise. I am at the computer a lot.

Customer:

Thank you so much. My mind wanders a lot so you'll probably hear from me a lot in a day.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Don't worry. You can contact me whenever you wish.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You are most welcome!!!!!!!!!!

Customer:

thank you

Customer:

I'll talk to you later today.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

OK, I'll check back and respond as soon as I see another question from you. I need to go see a patient. So do what I have suggested and send me another question whenever you wish. Please don't forget to rate me as we don't get credit for our time until we are rated. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience: PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
Dr. Shirley Schaye and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 2 years ago.
Just following up and hope you are doing OK.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Not right now. I feel really anxious. I want to contact her so bad.

Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 2 years ago.
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Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye
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PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy