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Dr. D. Brown
Dr. D. Brown, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 17
Experience:  21 years as Psychotherapist & Relationship Specialist
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Hello. My name isXXXXX have a girlfriend and her name is

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Hello. My name isXXXXX have a girlfriend and her name isXXXXX and I have been together for 5 years, 6 this coming January. She is very beautiful and i care very deeply about her. I don't really have a question. I don' really know what i'm looking for actually. Maybe just some advice on how to handle out situation better. Here goes.

She and i met online. We've been in a long distance relationship for as long as we've known each other. She has come to visit me on a couple of occasions and stayed for a few weeks each time. When she does she and i get along well. When we met, she was 15 and i was 19. We didn't actually touch each other until she first visited when she was 18.

When we met I told her that i wasn't a virgin, which at the time was true, but shortly there after i lost my virginity. I basically bragged about my experiences. I inflated most of them. Told her all kinds of disgusting things that she hated hearing. She took it in stride and waited patiently for me to become hers. While i was with her, i was involved with another woman. Chelsey knew about her, but the knowledge wasn't mutual. Still Chelsey waited.

One day, the girl left me and Chelsey took me into her heart fully. Everything after that was fine but not great, we fought but we usually settled things cleanly and were back to being deep in love. Then one day i did the worst thing i will ever do in my life. I told her that i had lied and that i was in fact a virgin. Which was not true. Before then she had always told me that she wished i was so that we could both lose our virginity to the other. It meant a lot to her so in turn it started to mean a lot to me as well. I felt so dirty unattractive to her after so i just "told the truth".

When i told her, she was ecstatic, she was so happy at first that she forgot all that had happened because of the initial lies. She felt like she had a whole new man and i felt like crap for lying...AGAIN. Over time however, she began to resent me for lying and saying i "wasn't a virgin and then telling her that i in fact am a virgin". Now she doesn't fully 100% believe but she really wants to. The jerk, poor excuse of a man that i am does a good job of subtly keeping up that appearance. (I deserve to burn in hell)

Fast forward to now. She and I can' go a week without a huge fight that usually ends with her crying herself to sleep all the way across the country in a 3 hour time difference, and me feeling like i wanna do is get away. I find myself at a point where i'm constantly asking if we are right for one another. I love her so very and i truly feel like i'm IN LOVE with her. Sometimes i feel like in order for her to be happy again, she needs to leave me....but she refuses to. She for some reason is head over heels in love with this low life named Me and i just don't understand how she could be. Now our biggest issue is her not getting my all.

We fight, she wants me to "make her feel better", I "try" by saying sweet things to her, once i notice it doesn't work, i quit. She gets depressed and lonely when i have to go to work here in California and she is all alone there in Michigan. Her big thing now is that she wants me to keep trying no matter discouraged i get until she is happy again. My big thing is i don't feel that what i DO do not appreciated. She cried to me over the phone while yelling and cussing at me to "do or say something" to make her feel better and all it does is infuriate me and make me wXXXXX XXXXXg up on her and turn off my phone and just not talk to her.

I don't wanna put in the work to make things better in each fight but i will love things once they are fixed.

I feel like i don't feel. Until things get really bad and then i break down.

She calls me a monster because she thinks i just hurt her and make her cry on purpose and don't even bother to make things better. But what she doesn't know or at least doesn't believe is that i DO want things to be better and i don't wanna fight and i don't wanna lose her. If the subject of breaking up, or me leaving arises, she threatens to harm herself. I feel like its manipulation, she thinks its a plead for me to make things better and stay and just give her the love she needs

I guess my question(s) is.....can this relationship be saved? If so, who needs to take the wheel and do it? Should i just let her go or should i try harder to change for her, or change at all. I really don't know what i'm asking for. I'm sorry. Please help?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. D. Brown replied 1 year ago.

Dr. D. Brown :

Hello Marc. Let me read your question and get right back to you.

Customer:

Ok

Dr. D. Brown :

I am sorry you and your girlfriend have been struggling. It sounds to me like you might be feeling some guilt around the "virgin" story and that you keep punishing yourself for not telling the truth to her. You said she "wants to believe" but really doesn't. I think she may be feeling something is off about this story and that it has brought up mistrust. She sounds like she may be acting out these feelings with you and wanting you to "soothe her" or "reassure her" because she is struggling with trusting you. This is just my hypothesis, so please tell me if I am on the right track. It also sounds like you are really berating yourself. You shouldn't treat yourself that way! Have you thought about maybe setting things straight about the virginity issue and start fresh? Let me know if this resonates and answers your question. I always appreciate a high rating if you are satisfied with my answer. Thanks!

Customer:

I am too afraid to tell her the full truth out of fear of losing her. She told me that if she had continued to believe that "wasn't a virgin" that she eventually would have left me. I'm afraid she'll leave me if i tell her or she'll stay and lose all trust in me completely. Forever looking at me like i'm a bad person instead of the man that loves her

Dr. D. Brown :

Yes, I understand that fear, but I think telling her what you just told me would actually make her trust you more for being honest. She may be temporarily upset, but eventually I think your vulnerability and honesty would be endearing to her and make her realize she CAN trust you after all. You said you are afraid she will leave you, but it sounds like things are already deteriorating and you may lose her if things continue this way. I would really recommend being honest. It is the only thing that builds a foundation of trust in a relationship.

Customer:

Ok. Thank you so much for your time. I really appreciate you getting back to me. I will tell her....I'm crying already. This is for the best. Thank you again and good luck with your practice in the future.

Dr. D. Brown :

Thank you very much for your kind words. I am so glad you are going to tell the truth. I think you will find huge relief. Let me know if I can help you any further or in the future. Again, I appreciate a high rating if you feel I have answered satisfactorily. Good luck to you, Marc.

Dr. D. Brown, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 17
Experience: 21 years as Psychotherapist & Relationship Specialist
Dr. D. Brown and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. D. Brown replied 1 year ago.
Hi Marc,

How are you doing? Is there anything else I can help you with?

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