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BillLCSW
BillLCSW, LCSW, MFT Treating Couples for 35 years
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker MF Therapist
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I have been with my partner for 2 years. He lived 30 miles

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I have been with my partner for 2 years. He lived 30 miles away so we saw each other when we weren't working - had weekends and days off together. Six months into the relationship he said he wanted to move in together and spend the rest of his life with me. He moved in two months ago. I found out three days ago that the entire time he has been with me, he has been in contact with other women via social networking sites, talking to them in a VERY sexually explicit way, asking them to go meet for sex. He told some of them he loved them. He told some of them about me in a negative way, calling me his 'weekend girlfriend' and that the relationship wasnt great but the sex was OK which was shy he stuck it out. I confronted him and he intitially denied it all. When he finally admitted it, he swears he never actually had sex with these women, and he is committed to me because he has given up his job and home to move to a new job here and move in with me, He says it will never happen again. I love him with all my heart and want to give him another chance. My friends and family are telling me I am stupid and its only a matter of time before it happens again. I do want to believe him though. I have said I will give him another chance but am scared that A) I can never really trust him and dont want to spend the reat of my life checking up on him and B) I dont want to be hurt like this again. I do love him though and want to make it work
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  BillLCSW replied 1 year ago.
Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.

I am not going to beat around the bush with you on this as it only serves to prolong what will be certain agony for you.

The behavior you describe and mistrust and dishonesty and lying that you identify in this person that you feel you "love" is not going to change and regardless of all his promises and discussions, the botXXXXX XXXXXne is that this person is taking advantage of you and every person that he can (as evidenced with what you find on line) . Actions speak louder than words and in this case, you are playing right into his manipulative process.

I am giving you a link to what defines a "HEALHY RELATIONSHIP" Use it as a guide- and if these traits are not present now- they are not going to emerge in the future.
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/traits-of-a-healthy-relationship.html

I know this isn't what you want to hear, however, I don't like seeing a person being taken advantage of in this way.
A) You cannot trust this person
B) Yes, you will be hurt again, and again if you chose to maintain a relationship of this type.

Kindest regards, Bill
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks for your reply. I suppose you are telling me what I already know. So it doesnt look like there will be any possibility that he will change?

Expert:  BillLCSW replied 1 year ago.
Johanna-

I would be giving you false hope (based on this history) If I felt the would change.

At a deep level- you seem to know that this relationship will not work and are in conflict between the Need for a relationship vs having a true love. You deserve to have the complete package and not a fragmented relationship that is destined to fail....

Sometimes it is hard to say good bye- but in this case- to preserve your mental health- I believe it would be in your best interest.

If you decide to move on - the following information will help you cope with the process:

http://helpguide.org/mental/coping_divorce_relationship_breakup.htm


Kindest regards, Bill
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

You have said what all my friends and family have told me. Because they are on my side, I hoped that they might be biased in my favour, and that if I listened to them, I wasnt actually giving him a fair chance to change. Why do you think he has given up his job and home, and moved away from his family to be with me, to a new home and new job. Do you think he thought he could continue in his online behaviour and have the best of both worlds - until I found out?

Expert:  BillLCSW replied 1 year ago.

Trust what you friends and family have said.

The why's are not always clear that is why you have to focus on the reality of what you do know.......that he is a dishonest-philanderer. This is a character issue and you are the victim here..Again- behavior speaks louder than words.

You are trying to make sense out of something that doesn't make sense- thus you obsess on trying make this fit when it doesn't.

Kindest regards, Bill

BillLCSW, LCSW, MFT Treating Couples for 35 years
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker MF Therapist
BillLCSW and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thank you. I do know that what you have said is right. i just have to find the guts to end it - not easy when i thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Thanks again

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