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Alicia_MSW
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 629
Experience:  Specializing in relationship/family counseling
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Why would my boyfriend of 9 months change his profile status

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Why would my boyfriend of 9 months change his profile status from in a relationship with (me) to in an open relationship? facebook sent me a message to accept or decline. When I asked him about it he said it was a joke. i think he didn't realize that i facebook would send me a message to accept or decline the status.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'm Alicia. Thanks for asking your question - I'm happy to help you today.

 

It sounds very strange to me, so I can see why you'd be confused. If you've been in a committed relationship for 9 months, and there haven't been any red flags or problems along the way, then I can see only two real possibilities as to why he'd change his status -

 

1. (and hopefully this is not the case, but I just want to be fair to you and point out all possibilities) He might be interested in someone else that he's been talking to on Facebook and wants to give the impression that he's free to date whomever he wants so that this person won't be turned off by his status saying he's in a committed relationship or

 

2. He was trying to make some sort of strange joke, but that possibility sounds a bit weird to me. I don't see what would be funny about it - and I don't see what anyone else would see funny about it either. You're probably right that he didn't realize facebook would send you a message to accept or decline, but somewhere along the way he must also realize that you'd see his status if you went to his page.

 

It's not something that needs to become a huge deal if you do trust him and you think he really was just trying to make a joke -- and you could just let it lie and see how things go but if it's really bothering you (as I imagine it would be) then I would suggest sitting down at some point in the future to discuss it. It could just have been some silly mistake that he now regrets doing, so you have to listen to what your gut tells you to do. Good luck.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank You for your reply. I tend to feel like your first response is the correct one. we were on the phone for 2 hours prior to me reading the msg from facebook and their was no indication regarding this on his part which makes me believe that he didn't realize that I would have a message sent to me that I had to agree or decline. I have a real problem with this. Even though he blew it off and said it was a joke, that is nothing to joke about and I don't know who would think it is funny. I am supposed to get on a plane tomorrow at 8:00am to fly with my three children to go to have Thanksgiving with him and his children and his parents and sisters. Also we are celebrating my birthday on Sunday. How on earth can I possibly do this, I feel their must be some truth behind his humour


we are also making plans to spend ski vactation together with our children and a valentine trip skiing with just each other in February.


 


I feel very vulnerable and gaurded. I lost my husband a year and 3 months ago, and when I give my heart it is not for a quick anything it is because I am in and expect the same from my partner. I'm afraid this has made me feel leary and to pull away because I don't feel we are in the same place if he has to change the status to open relationship, obviously that is what he wishes for.......

Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 2 years ago.
You're welcome. I'm sorry to say that I do feel like my first response might be the right one too, but I know how difficult it can be to hear that - and we don't have any real proof, so it's hard to say for sure what's really going on in his head. I do also agree that he wouldn't have thought you'd get a message that you'd need to confirm the relationship status change, which just makes me feel more like the 1st answer is also the right one. But it would also be weird if he didn't realize that you'd eventually see the change. Regardless, I think his saying it was a joke is more a way to make a quick coverup - but you're right, it is definitely not something to joke about. However, I just want to say that we really don't know for sure that this is the case, so it's important to try to stay grounded and not let your imagination get carried away. Unfortunately, it's bad timing with your Thanksgiving plans - but you have two choices - you can go ahead with your plans as scheduled and try to give yourself time to sort out how to address this with him, or you can cancel your plans (which probably is not very realistic given the expense of plane tickets and so forth). So, it's not an easy route to take, but if I were you, I might go ahead with the plans - but maybe try to have a real heart-to-heart with him tonight, if possible, or after the holiday, so you can get your feelings out in the open. I'm very sorry that you are going through this now, especially in light of the loss of your husband, so I can understand that you'd be feeling very vulnerable - whereas previously this might be something you could shrug off a bit easier (or walk away from), it makes it much more difficult when you're still recovering from a loss. That being said - I wouldn't go overboard just yet. Although we're in agreement as to why he might have made the change, it could theoretically be innocent. We just don't know why he did it, and that's the botXXXXX XXXXXne. So you really have to give yourself some time to process this and not have a knee-jerk reaction. If you've been happy together for the past 9 months and things have basically been going well, then you have to ask yourself if this is something that is worth giving up the relationship over. At the same token, it's still relatively early in your relationship, so you don't want to get more involved in the relationship if he's not as serious as you are - so that's why a bit of breathing space and then a real talk with him are probably the best actions. If it's possible and you want to holiday to go as smoothly as possible for the sake of your kids, then you might wait a few days to have this talk with him. If you feel like it's too pressing and that you won't be able to cope, then sooner than later is your best bet. I know it's not easy, but try to keep things in perspective as much as you can and not superimpose thoughts and feelings onto him that might not be true, as much as it might seem that way. I don't see why he would choose to stay in the relationship with you if he truly was interested in someone else, but only he can answer that question. I wish you lots of luck. Please let me know if you need additional assistance.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you. This is really a great idea to be able to reach out to someone who is third party and has no emotion involved and uses logic and judgement. It really does help to see all points and of course we women tend to get all emotional and jump to abandonment which is what i really feel...but that isimpulsive and acting out of hurt feelings....he definately has some explaining to do..... when I had gotten off the phone with him last night it was late after mid night and I saw msg from facebook I immediately called him back to ask him, he was sleeping but laughed and said it was a joke....it's 50/50 that I get on that plane tomorrow....it's almost like I want to teach him a lesson that my feelings cannot just be toyed with like that....we have been so totally honest with each other from the very start and now that this has come to light he has to come clean, and I will feel if he is being honest and from their decide the direction to take. The way I am, if something bothers me I have to address it immediately and get it resolved to move forward. I cannot pretend or be fake about anything. I give alot and expect alot.


 

Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 2 years ago.
I can understand how conflicted you are feeling right now, believe me. If you have been honest with each other from the start, then I do think there is hope that you can save the relationship - and that it is worth saving. People do stupid things sometimes, and often, for no real reason. He probably didn't mean to sabotage the relationship - or maybe he's just testing the waters. In the end, you're right in following your gut, trying to resolve things sooner rather than later (even if sooner means waiting just a few days or not) is best to avoid letting your emotions fester and get the better of you. Sometimes, too much time can make feelings like this grow out of control and soon, you're dealing with feelings that have nothing to do with the actual situation but are just unresolved feelings from the past or from previous relationships or even early childhood hurts... It's not easy by any means, but if I were you, I would also personally feel more comfortable having a discussion with him to get things out in the open. He'll know that it's bothering you either way, because it's hard to keep something like this under wraps. I hope it works out, one way or another. Best wishes and have a happy Thanksgiving - as much as you can right now :)
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 2 years ago.
Did you have any more questions? Please feel free to let me know if I can help further - and please rate my answer so I may receive credit for my time. You can post follow-up questions at any time if you need to.
Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 629
Experience: Specializing in relationship/family counseling
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Alicia_MSW
Alicia_MSW
Psychotherapist
328 Satisfied Customers
Specializing in relationship/family counseling