How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
64783947
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Coach Jen K. is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

my girlfriend of 4 years and a few months broke up with me

Resolved Question:

my girlfriend of 4 years and a few months broke up with me a month and a half ago. I was devastated, we were both on the same page as far as our future together. Talked about marriage and kids, I'm 27 and she is 26. I was blindsided by the break up and acted so stupid after, being needy and desperate because I hurt so much. Looking back I shouldn't have been blindsided because signs were kinda there. We were both too comfortable and took a lot of things for granted. When she called I didn't always treat her the best (used the excuse I didn't like speaking on the phone). But when we were together we were good, we had our petty little fights about things. Didn't always have the best communication. I still love her and want her back. I think she uses me the last couple months of our relationship when she was dealing with all her doubts in her head instead of talking about them with me. I gave her some space after a few phone calls within a few days of the break up. I recently have text her a few times about a new job I'm getting, she was positive and happy for me. I text her today a few days later about something that reminded me of her and just said have a good weekend. She responded about 15 minutes later telling me she wasn't trying to be rude but not to text me anymore, she congratulated me on the changes and said she hoped the best for me.
She was a huge part of my life, maybe even an unhealthy way, I don't need her. I know this, but I do want her and know I can make her happy. I don't know if I should just move on and try and forget or give her space and see what happens.

thanks
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I am sorry to hear of the pain you are in.

CoachJenK :

It is so very tough when you are no longer on the same page and wanting the same things. I think that the best thing is to honor what she is asking.

CoachJenK :

If she has asked you not to text her then we must honor that. i know that is difficult and painful but there isn't much choice around that.

CoachJenK :

If she reaches back out to you on her own then you can decide if you would like to communicate with her, but from where I sit it sounds like she is clear about not wanting the relationship.

CoachJenK :

let me know your thoughts

Customer:

Understandable, how can she just go cold turkey on communication after 4 years? Someone you've talked to basically everyday.

CoachJenK :

the cut off may feel easier for her as it may be too painful to keep the lines of communication open.

Customer:

I guess so, after 4 years I guess I thought it would take something drastic such as cheating or lying to break the bond. It's just a difficult situation that I've not been in before. I guess when you think someone is "the one" you lose site of everything else.

Customer:

Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on. Thanks for listening.

CoachJenK :

I completely understand that and am impressed by your willingness to look at how you behaved in the relationship

CoachJenK :

I dont think you acted stupid as you said after the break up...you felt sad and wanted to be with her. Thats okay.

Customer:

well, I've had a lot of time to think and realized where I dropped the ball

CoachJenK :

take care of your feelings now

CoachJenK :

and that will help you in future relationships

Customer:

I'm not saying she was perfect either. We didn't always agree and things we did got on eachother nerves at times. But I thought that stuff just happened in relationships

CoachJenK :

you are right. There is no perfection and both people contribute to things in the relationship.

CoachJenK :

I think you have learned a lot from it. I am sorry you are in a lot of pain around it but i do believe healing will come.

Customer:

She was a hard woman to handle and people were surprised that with my personality I was with her as long as I was. My "love was blind" though and looked past some things. I had to deal with her and my own emotions for 4 years and it took its toll bc she didn't handle hers well and put them on me.

Customer:

I guess it just shut me down kinda... But maybe it's one of those things of you don't know what you have till its gone.

CoachJenK :

and you sound like a gentleman and willing to go above and beyond.

CoachJenK :

maybe so or maybe it will help clarify how you want to be in a relationship and maybe the fit wasn't the right one

CoachJenK :

we all take a big hit to ourselves when a relationship ends. this is a time of growth for you

Customer:

Well, I wasn't much of a gentleman in the fallout afterwards, but I've tried to remain calm and collected since then. I'm making the changes in my life for myself but I guess deep down I was making them in hopes for her too. But she killed my hope of that... I was truely doing fine until she told me to stop tonight

CoachJenK :

yes because your hope has been dashed. let yourself feel what you feel so that you can move on .

Customer:

Do you think down the road she will be open to friendship... Not talking within like a month or so but down the road. She was my best friend and we always shared that, she even admit that's what she would miss the most.

CoachJenK :

I am not sure. Hard to tell at this point whether either one of you could manage that after a long love relationship.

Customer:

I alienated myself from a lot of people and things while with her which is my own fault but I guess that's why I feel I've lost so much more in the end.

CoachJenK :

not uncommon and I would suggest that you try and cultivate those relationships again so that you can feel connected

Customer:

well thanks, XXXXX XXXXX vent a little I guess. Friends and family have their own opinions bc they have seen my pain and in turn cast judgement. She will always have a piece of me whether she wants it or not.

CoachJenK :

Come and request me anytime you need to talk. Take care of yourself now. Please take a moment to click on the ratings to offer a rating of my work. My goal is excellent.

Customer:

Will do, just wish that it was easier to move through. I take 1 step forward and 2 steps backs. Thanks again

CoachJenK :

allow it all. one foot in front of the other and no pressure on yourself. give yourself the time and space to heal.

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1744
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 

Related Relationship Questions