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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1355
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Hi, I am a 23 male, and going through what I think is the

Customer Question

Hi,

I am a 23 male, and going through what I think is the most rapid maturity change in my life so far.
I have had 3 unsuccessful relationships all which seem to end around the 6 - 7 month time frame.
After every relationship I go from one extreme to another, from loving and devoting myself to a girl who I think is amazing and that I end up loving alot, to never wanting a girlfriend and to be hurt again so I often went out looking for physical relationships. however, each of them I have only committed to because they have been chasing me, or because they have treated me alot better than any other girl I have met, not necessarily because I have been fully keen on them, it is only as I grow closer that I start to love them.

All my friends are in long term relationships, most of which have been their first girlfriends and seem to able to sustain a long healthy relationship.

My question is, based on my past three failed relationships, do these trends often translate into my mature life? Will I more likely end up in divorce? And also, do all the good attractive women with great self respect get taken at a young age?

My most recent girlfriend has a short temper, but a very high respect for herself and is very caring, also comes from a very strong stable family and I think I will never find someone like her from a good background.

Any thoughts?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Hello. You are still young and while your friends are in long term relationships, it is important not to compare yourself to others. You are an individual and finding the right person can be difficult. You don't know if they are truly happy in their relationships, even if it appears that they are.
No, not all women who have healthy self esteem are taken at a young age. A lot of times it is the opposite There are no set rules when it comes to relationships, which makes it easier but also more difficult.
What you are going through right now is just a personal growth. You are learning about yourself, what you like and dislike in women and you need to see that as a positive thing. Personal growth is important and a lot of people ignore this about themselves.
Your trends of going back and forth is completely normal and natural. When you are hurt in one way or another, it changes us. It should. We learn from those experiences. When you go from one relationship to another with little time in between to have proper closure about the situation, you can end up looking for rebound type relationships.
Think about all the billions of people in the world, all of their difference, personalities, what they are looking for in a relationship, etc and see that it is not so easy to just find the right person right away. I think that you have an advantage over your friends because they may experience the issue where they feel they didn't play the field enough and want to see what else is out there and end up ruining their relationship. You are learning what is out there now and will appreciate the right person when you meet them and have a better shot at staying in a long term relationship.
I cannot analyze your relationships without knowing and discussing them in great detail, so I am speaking on generalities.
You do not need to worry about trends following you because of a certain way things are going now. You will see your life go through many phases, some good, some bad. You have the right attitude about staying positive. Focus on yourself and your attitude which is what people are attracted to. Have some patience. You have your whole life ahead of you.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1355
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Thank you for the advice,


 


Makes me feel alot better about things, my break up is still very freash ( 2 weeks ago ), however I really want to take a better perspective and attitude to it all like you say.


 


It's a concsious effort and like you say I need to focus on that. Do you think it is worth analyising my relationships in order to find any underlying issues or causes?


 


 

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

What if there are things that I dislike about myself and the way I am as a person that I would like to change in terms of being in a relationship?


 


The main reason for the last break up was seeming to be because of a few things.. I personally didn't like that I could never talk things through with her and it always ended up in her getting angry abusing me and carrying on, and then wanting space for a while. The things I used to argue with her about was wanting to see her more and I hated living the relationship over the phone. I totally understood that we were both busy but her priorities were often warped in my eyes. But teh underlying factor that I did not agree with was that she was hosting a friend she met in camp america over at her house (she lives with her family), but I didn't agree with it because it was not considerate of my feelings. I told her I would never do this to her because I know she would feel the same way. I felt like this guy was intrusive of our relationship because he kept coming back to stay at her house, and my ex always put our plans on hold when he was down staying there. Am I wrong for bringing this up with her? I spoke about it a few times and I don't think I was asking for much. She thinks its about lack of trust and that everyone she spoke to said I am in the wrong. I do trust her she was the most trustworthy girl I had been with, I just felt really poorly and pushed away from her. I didn't trust him to be honest, I know what 21 year old guys are like.


 


She though maybe i am too possesive and I gave up alot on my own accord to make this work with her. I now feel like I am too full on and she may have been scared away.


 


Am I wrong to have questioned this, should I have let her do what made her happy?


 


It's hard letting that just happen before your eyes :s

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

It makes me feel alot better about myself that people can see where I am coming from, thanks for the help and support,


 


I just hope that I don't just learn my lesson, but also remember it for the future, because although I am pointing out faults of hers, Im sure I have faults as well, and I like to be aware of them for the future to change into a better person.


 


Thanks for all your help, I have plenty of support but it is always good to have an experts take on it.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Just one last question,


 


Which mars and venus book do you recommend for me to read based on my situation?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Dr Paige,


 


I am reading men are from Mars and women are from Venus and I am finding it very interesting. Thats for the recommendation.


 


I have another question, I will try not to take too much advantage of your help online but I think it is necessary to take the best road to recovery for me, so I come out a stronger, mature person.


 


It has been 3 months now since me and my ex broke up, I think about her every day, I had a break down just after it happened but I think I am on the tail end of it now. She contacted me recently after 3 months of no contact asking if she could call me over the weekend to talk about things and sort everything out. She told me she misses me and so on.


 


I responded asking what she wanted to achieve by doing this after 3 months of silence, and what exactly did she want to talk about (reconciliation or friendship, or possibly an act because she feels guilty?) She replied saying that she misses me a lot and that she knows we fought through our friendship (which confuses me because we just broke up, to me it sounds as though she wants friendship) and that she wants to talk about our issues and sort them out. I have boundaries with her know, knowing that she didn't consider my feelings or show me the respect I deserve, and I replied asking what she ultimately was hoping to achieve by and what her desired outcome would be from this talk? I then asked if she wanted friendship, and followed on say that I won't promise anything.


 


I really do not want friendship with her, in my eyes thats like her having her slice of the cake and eating it to. And I don't want her to think she can just walk in and out of my life that easily at her own leisure when the going gets tough.


 


She messaged me back saying 'ok don't worry about it then, hope your well'.


 


I said 'No worries, but I am giving you a chance to talk, if you don't want it, then we will leave it at that'.


 


My questions are what outcome do you think she wants out of this? And I do really want to know, but I do not want to sound desperate. Should I msg her again and encourage to talk about all this? Or should I leave it at the last msg I sent her?


 


Sorry I know this is hard to answer, as I comes down to the way I feel


but I do highly appreciate your opinion.


 


Thanks,


 


Tom

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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