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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5552
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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hello Kate....
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.
Hey! Got it. Talk to you soon, Kate
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Kate,


i'm slowly getting myself together, sorting the cottage, almost there, it's so good it's got everything needed to live without having to bring too much from home, just favourite mugs and my pressure cooker etc. Poppy has been with me the whole time, not been to see D, not asked about him, avoided going home for stuff when he's there, but she did say yesterday she supposed she ought to go and see him.


Sam has spent most of his time at the barn, did sleep here last night but didn't come over til late, up in time to drive himself to college, but I have seen him very little, njot even had supper here tonight. he was here doing his homework when I came home from work having a bad day, was late for his lesson this morning, missed registration and the worksheet (no teacher) so went into town, tried to work when he got in but was struggling, said to remind him to take his pills tomorrow. I am missing him, but know he is at the barn bc of his friends and it's how he always is, in and out, it's just bc I'm not at home to see him when he's in and out that I don't see him!


But he did tell me that he had offered to clean the house for D, but for pocket money, I said if he does he needs to be paid up front, but I'd rather D did it himself. I think Sam is still hoping to do that, wants the money (lots of expenses now, drugs, car, clothes, he told me he took some savings out today. It makes me sad that I spent 18 years saving up for him, now he can use it as he pleases, but he wants to be thrifty, took some out to buy a new stereo for his car, but went out tonight to get it, finding they were all too expensive. I'm glad in a way bc what he has is just fine. He also said he would buy some supplies for D while he was out, again I said make sure he gets the money first, but he should really let D do his own shopping (and for dog food), otherwise he isn't going to learn. This evening when I went to feed the animals at about 5.30 D came back in his van; I put the dogs in after a run and he said he'd just had fish and chips from the van, said it's ridiculous cooking for just one, I said you're going to have to, many people do. There are still raedy meals in the freezer, more in the shops, but he just wants to not be bothered. My guess is he's been eating some nights at the pub when he's been gone all hours (I only keep an eye bc of the dogs). I know he has no money in his accounts, in fact the bank have refused some payments, I have witheld transferring money (nopt from my account, between his) until today, just want him to know, so he has had a letter from the bank giving him all the charges that will be against his account with each day he is over his OD limit. So, I am guessing, bc the pub owes him several hundred pounds, unable to pay bc of lack of funds, he is taking advantage and drinking/eating on tab so that he gets paid it one way or another. For someone who can't afford bread milk and eggs he certainly is out a lot.


So, I asked him how he was this evening, he said not alright really. I said you'll be fine. At least he has Sam coming and going, Sam has said he seems fine, but he obviously isn't working. Sam told me that mark was there today, and they were discussing a new 'business plan' to trade on Ebay, buy and sell. That'll be an onus on Mark bc D is not computer savvy, maybe he'll be able to do the buying, just up his street, and Mark the selling. Good luck to them. I found a job advert in the local shop on Monday, couldn't help myself, had to copy the details down and leave them for D to find the next day. I don't know if he phoned them or not, I think I'll move on.


This evening though I have written him a letter about the expenses for the Barn, how they are currently being paid, and that he can continue to pay me a weekly sum to cover some of them, and pay the rest directly, and that he needs to apply to the Council for a reduction in community tax bc he is a sole adlut at the property. That will be for him to apply for, but I have let them know and are sending him the forms.


otherwise he has been keeping away for the moment, I hope it stays that way but I doubt it.


today my mo9ther has had her surgery, I can't get hold of Dad to see how she is, and when I phoned the ward there was just a message from another nurse who wasn't looking after her so I don't realloy know how she is. I do understand, I phoned not long after the night staff came on duty and they didn't know their patients, and her nurse was busy. Anyway I wanted to talk to dad, tomorrow will have to do.


Yesterday late afternoon mum phoned to borrow some things for her admission and I went for a chat, we had to talk about AA's affairs, my dad is getting very stressed with the complications of her estate, and the other woman who lives there, and mum was getting upset bc AA had paid a lot of money that was her mother's (my grandmother's) into the property, and there are no deeds to say what had been purchased etc, now we need to try to recoup some money to buy AA's care, which might be several years worth, it's all rather convoluted. Anyway, my brother arrived, I didn't know he was coming, he always makes me feel on edge, he can barely look me in the eye. He is AA's Godson and executor to her estate on her death; mum dad and I had been talking for many minutes about things before he arrived, I felt equal, but then I felt like the invisible one that I had been all my childhood, I felt like all the hours and hours that I had spent with her, knowing her inside out were extinguished, and taken over by my brother who had seen her once or twice in the last year, and she didn't know him from the gardener. I had to make my excuses and leave, had an appointment with K, but just as I was leaving he asked me how things were with me, and I felt like I had to defend the position of my affairs. Oh, and he said a few weeks ago that he'd like to come with me to visit AA bc she knows me not him, and that freaked me out, having to do something so personal with him, maybe travel in the same car, said to K that I'd rather travel with a stranger, I feel terrible, bc he obviously doesn't feel the same now. Seeing K last night was good, I talked so much, and cried so much about my brother, she told me they were angry tears, I felt I was being ignored and treated as knowing nothing which is how it always was with my parenhts and him bc he's bright and he can talk and I don't feel brighyt and can't talk.


But how am I doing? I am better I think but too much is happening and I am confusing my feelings and struggling to take stock. I don't know how I will get on seeing Adele tomorrow, I didn't see hert last week when I really needed to and I felt she didn't want to see me, which I know is silly. But I do at least feel I have space to breath and not have to deal with D, even for 3 mins or so this evening when putting the dogs in he was grilling me about AA's affairs, I really don't know why, had to say it was being dealt with by dad (about the cottage)


I haven't replied to my solicitor yet, I must tomorrow. he sent me lots of letters all at once last week, and a draft of the letter he was proposing to send to D once I OK'ed it, but it doesn't say anything about him moving out to allow us occupancy, just that if he wants to buy me out he can, otherwise it will be valued and sold. I don't think I want that, but he did say he deliberately didn't say he would be removed if he didn't vacate, maybe so as not to rile him, but I want him to clarify that we can move back in a few months.


Can't remember if I wrote that I have written to D this evening laying out all the Barn's outgoings that he will have to be responsible for. I'm sure that won't be received well.


I'm sorry I know I've been rambling, I'm some and some tonight, need to sleep, still so exhausted all the time. I told Kitty today about the happenings, I was glad to have shared with her, she had been getting bits and pieces on a weekly basis, but hadn't pushed me if I didn't want to share. She was lovely, of course. Her Jack Russel puppy is arriving next week, i'll look forward to meeting her (she's taking the week noff)


OK, gotta go to bed, Poppy has gone before me, very unusual!


Hope you're happy with the election results (you don't need to answer that!)


Goodnight Kate, good to talk, ((( hugs )))


Hilary Rosexx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.
Hilary Rose,

It sounds like the cottage is coming along well! So much of a cozy feeling when you talk about it. Safe, sound and like a hideaway just for you and Poppy (and Sam if he chooses to be there). I’m so glad you did this for yourself and for the kids. I can easily understand Poppy not wanting to deal with Dave. I imagine that she is finding the cottage and the peace that goes with it very healing.

It could be that Sam is caught between being an adult and doing his own thing and the freedom that being with Dave (a parent and therefore a safe base) brings him. He has a home base with him maybe because he seeks that place where there are no rules so he can do as he pleases. Not that he doesn’t want to be with you. But because of his age, the lack of rules may appeal to him right now. That may wear thin though and he may come around more.

You are very kind to supply Dave with all that he needs to run the home. He may not be able live up to the responsibilities but that is not on you. You are doing more than you need to just by helping him, especially after all he put you through. Dave may end up failing at all of it, but you can rest easy about it. You are right, he does need to learn to do it all on his own. And Sam may not see that yet because Dave is so good at playing helpless and downtrodden, but eventually Sam will probably see just what you did and let Dave do this on his own.

I am sorry about your brother. The trauma you suffered through with what your parents did then having your brother follow suit is going to bring up all those past feelings, even if he is no longer directly hurting you. And you are right, you deserve respect for all the hours you spent caring for your aunt. You put a lot of work into it as well as worry and care. It’s been part of your job for a while and your brother has barely been around. He should respect you for that. It shows where he is at when he can’t do that. It sounds similar to what Dave treats you like. I am glad K was there to offer support and that you shared with her.

Let me know what happens with your mom. I hope she is recovering well.

The elections here are becoming more and more a pain in the butt. The system needs a change but it is unlikely that will happen!

Good night, Hilary Rose. I feel good knowing you are safe and sound in your cottage :)

Katexx
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5552
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Ah, thank you Kate, I like feeling you here with me at the cottage, especially as you have seen pictures of it and so you can imagine it better.


I have had a tiring day again, tried to write to Mark my solicitor, get all his letters in order and a response to his draft to D mentioning that I'd like to move in to the barn with the kids til Poppy is 18 and not sell just yet, it's too much for me to consider, especially with things rather uncertain with Mum, so I have asked him to amend his letter to D.


Thank you for your prayers for mum, I know you have helped. She is doing OK, they approached the surgery with minimal incisions (laparoscopically/ vaginally) which means less time in hospital, so she should be allowed home tomorrow all being well. She could do with another day or two of enforced rest really, Dad said she had wanted to come out today and help at AA's cottage tomorrow!!!!!!!!!! I don't think she realises the extent of her surgery. Dad has declined meals, has eaten at the hospital today and found some leftovers yesterday. I am relieved to be honest. I had a long chat with Dad again about AA's affairs -I've had enough, he needs to hand it over to a solicitor- I suggested he write out a summary of everything we know, and what we want to know, and what we want to happen. It's the other woman being very 'cagey' not giving us information that is making it so difficult for us, we can't do it ourselves, it has to be done properly, so down the legal route we go, but we can justify spending her money for her ultimate best interests.


I took a chance this morning while D was out to gather up a few remaining things from the Barn that I wanted to have over here, and spend time with the dogs. I collected things for Poppy too, she still hasn't been back since Saturday so not seen D for days. The Barn is a mess but I just shut the door, don't want to be there, love being here, feels like a proper house and home. I've had the dogs here this evening bc D is out, I have been feeling distressed and guilty that they are having to spend so much time alone and inactive, especially Lola who just wants to play and play all the time. I sat out in the utility room on the garden bench with a cup of tea and the back door open, outside light on, throwing a piece of bark over and over, each time the bark getting smaller and more bits everywhere, but I was so happy just being with her and playing a monotonous game that she never tires of. I have just put the back in the barn, heard the air ambulance circling round and round, had heard it for at least half an hour before. Poppy said there had been an accident on the valley road, so I instantly thought of Sam (then D), Poppy phoned his girlfriend, and yes, he was back, he'd passed a landrover upside down being attended by a fire crew. I haven't seen Sam since I took him to the bus this morning. I hope he starts to come here more often, I miss him.


I worked with Kitty this afternoon, I felt closer to her today than I have done, maybe bc I have shared with her and I have no more skeletons. She is getting her Jack Russel puppy next Wednesday, I'm excited! I said yesterday anytime she wanted a puppy sitter..... So today she asked if I would 'sit' next Saturday when they all have to be out for several hours. I was happy- said I could bring Poppy. Poppy was happy too!


I saw Adele today, it was good to see her. We just talked about the divorce mainly, kept the rest of my worries away, apart from Sam, but we decided he could wait a little bit longer, I just need to get settled with how things are and get the letters sorted, about finances for Barn expenses, and the letter from Mark.


I must get to bed, seems strange not writing to you from my bedroom, it's good to be able to 'use' the house. That being said I haven't been able to relax and settle tonight, I have wanted to be tidying, putting things in place, just looking around me, what else would I like to do to make it perfect here... And eating....... too many biscuits!!


Goodnight Kate, talk tomorrow, thank you for your thoughts of me in my cottage, they make me feel warm and comfited


Hilary Rosexx


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.
Hilary Rose,

It's good you had a chance to sort your letter to Mark and get that straightened out. I hope he is able to get the letter out to Dave and get you all back into your home soon, although the cottage is lovely :)

I'm glad that your mom made it through her surgery. She must be very relieved. It sounds like she wants to get up and at'em already. Hopefully, your father will get her to rest up a bit longer.

It sounds like Lola was very happy to see you! It can't be easy to leave them as you need to do, but at this point, you can only do so much. Eventually, this will sort itself out but until then, going to the barn when Dave is not there is quite smart. You really avoid a lot of the unpleasantness and get to have some freedom to be home as well.

It must be hard to keep track of Sam being that he is out on his own and checking in more with Dave than you. I imagine that it might be very difficult, especially when you hear of something like an accident. Is Sam ok checking in with you once a day, maybe at the end of the day? It would give you peace of mind. Or maybe he wouldn't mind a short and sweet text, something like you- OK? him- Yep. I've done that with my kids when they were out just to give me some peace of mind.

I'm glad that it went well today with Adele and Kitty. All your supports are wonderful!

Pet sitting with a puppy! You are so lucky. They are adorable :)

It's great that you can write to me from anywhere in your home. The freedom you have now just goes to show how much Dave kept you in a sort of "prison" when you were with him. You did not deserve to be treated that way. Being away from him is the best thing you could have done.

Good night, Hilary Rose. Sweet, and cozy, dreams!

Katexx
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5552
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Kate,


thank you. I have had a really tiring day and can't wait to go to bed! I spent the morning with my sister, sister-in-law and parents at AA's cottage sorting more stuff. Dad went to collect Mum at 10am and called at the cottage on their way home, they didn't stay long, mum wasn't feeling great, but she was glad to be out. So the 'sisters' and I bagged up stuff to take home for ourselves, (I didn't want much, had towels etc the other day), but they seemed to take forever! I wanted to go home for a quiet cup of coffee before seeing Ziggy, but it got too late.


Ziggy was great, she made me feel OK about how D was behaving, and to be tough against him. She went on a Tyco drumming weekend last weekend, the leader was a Buddhist, and at some point they had to recite a mantra- Abhaya- (meaning fearless as you may know) Ziggy gave me a copy, mostly repeating Abhaya in various ways, but also ‘Space’, ‘Peace’ and ‘Fearless’. It’s very strong, especially when I repeated ‘Peace’ over, 10 times quickly, 10 times gradually slowing. It was very ‘wow’!


I went to the Barn to feed the ponies when I got home, it was beginning to get dark. I let Lola out to play while I was there, but unfortunately D was home too, heard me open the door. He came across the field to me, started talking quietly to me as I was busy with the feed, had to keep asking him to repeat himself, it was annoying having him there. You’ll never guess what he was trying to tell me.................................


He said he’d been talking to a ‘lady’ today (no names this time, but this might sound familiar....), who had a friend with the exact same symptoms as me, pain, depression, anxiety, fatigue, (just like you, are you hearing me), and the Drs told her it was hormonal, ie the menopause, so Hilary, you must get your hormones checked, you are in the menopause, get on HRT, you’ll feel better, the pills you’re taking are no good, they are giving you a false sense of feeling better, you’re not letting your natural anxiety speak for you, how you really feel is being masked by drugs, you are being ridiculous, splitting the family up like this, I am not coping well. This lady (potter???) knows what I’m like (oh no she doesn’t). He said he knows he went off the rails, but we should try to work it out. Twaddle?

Hey, guess what, he didn’t get to me, I felt strong against him. Ziggy said to put on my shield, (I did, but only after he'd gone) and it felt good, I felt empowered. I have been thinking about him since then, sadly walking away, head bent when I wouldn’t engage, thinking he is on his way down, but I have thought, so be it. I have felt in control and that I can do this :)

The accident in the valley was a drunk trying to outrun the police. He overturned his landrover on a bend and ran off into the woods. The helicopter was a police search copter, I thought it was odd that it was circling round and round for so long with a red light beneath it.


I’m looking forward to my weekend (when did I do that last), this cottage is the BEST thing, I can’t believe how lucky I (we) are.

Goodnight Kate, resting easy :) :) Happy Hugs

Hilary Rosexx
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.
Hilary Rose,

You sound so upbeat! I love the idea of having a shield to protect you when you deal with Dave. It sounds like Ziggy is helping you set up boundaries with Dave but in a visual way, which is a great way to do it. And you are beginning to let Dave "own" his own issues and not let him put them on you. A few months ago that would have been difficult for you. But now you are starting to see his attempts to blame your moving away from him and divorcing him as just his inability to deal with his own stuff. And that is exactly what it is. Getting "advice" from someone that doesn't know you is not the way to handle this issue. He is just looking for a way to blame you anyway he can. He still cannot see that he is the cause. That is some defense mechanism he has going on there! It is not serving him well either. He is losing relationships and not growing up like he needs to. And you are right, in the end he is the only one who will be going down. It is sad but no one can help him if he won't help himself.

I'm glad to hear that your mom is out of the hospital and on the mend. Your aunt's cottage sounds like quite a job. It is sad to disassemble someone's life like that but in a way, but if you have to do it, it is nice to have family be a part of that process.

That accident sounds awful. Did it bring up thoughts about what Dave might do one day driving while drunk? I can't imagine that it is easy to hear something like that for you.

Looking forward to the weekend....that is wonderful to hear you say. I am just tickled for you. To hear you so happy and relaxed, no worries about what Dave is up to and how he might drive you back into your room while he takes over the house and causes a ruckus. Your own space that you have dreamed about for so long. I'm so happy for you! :)

Good night, Hilary Rose. Sweet dreams and many ((((hugs)))), happy ones!

Katexx
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5552
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hey Kate,


thank you :) A good day, not seen D, shopping with Poppy this am, home stuff this afternoon. This evening Poppy and I watched Finding Nemo, aww, so cute, I've never seen it through though we have the dvd. After I went to check the dogs knowing D was likely out. I brought them home here, left a note for D to say I had them. Lola has wanted to play ball ever since, Rubin just happy with a chew in his basket by the radiator. Now they are lying on my feet, a huge bed and no room to move!


It's 23.30, D has just been banging on the front door, the dogs heard it but didn't bark, I'm glad. I didn't answer it but it has set me feeling anxious in my tummy, it's sore enough as it is. I'll try to settle and sleep.


Yes the accident did make me think of D, I wondered why the police were in the valley anyway, they only usually come if they are tipped off, or if an accident happens like with D 5 years ago. He didn't 'run', but he left the scene before the police arrived, came home scared and opened a bottle of wine to try to cover up his alcohol intake before driving. The kids watched as the police arrived, questioned him, breathalised him and arrested him, took him to the cells in the city police station.


OMG he's banging on the door again, I am feeling afraid. I know, I should call the police..... he's banging and banging......


At last. He's gone.


Must sleep, goodnight Kate, need hugs


Hilary Rosexx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.
Hilary Rose,

I'm sorry to hear that Dave is bothering you at your home. You may want to consider talking to him when you see him again and let him know that you don't want him there. He can call if there is an emergency. Otherwise, he needs to stay away. Your cottage is your place, your sanctuary, and he needs to not bring his abuse and pain with him to impose on you. If he starts this pattern of thinking that he can just come by and bother you anytime (which is harassment) then you might as well stay at home. And we both know that is not a good thing. It hurts you and the kids and leaves you all trapped by Dave and his abuse.

You may want to contact the person working with you at the police dept and see what she has to say. Just to have her input and to let her know that Dave has done this so if he does it again she has a record of it.

I can hardly believe that Dave would leave the seen of an accident and then come home, exposing all of you to what he did. Then to try to fool the police. Wow. What an example for his children. It is something a teen might do but not a grown man. You must have felt traumatized when that happened. I'm sorry. He has really put you through a lot.

I hope you are resting well now. It's nice you have your puppies with you for comfort, yours and theirs! Sleep well. Let me know how things go.

Katexx
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5552
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
He went away again, I went to turn the light out downstairs that I’d left on for Poppy. I texted the home phone at midnight just after he’d gone to say ‘please don’t knock any more. The dogs are here with me til tomorrow, they are asleep’. He came straight back and banged and banged on and on. I instantly felt really scared and got in a mess. I called the non-emergency no (101) anxious, crying, and they put me straight through to rapid response. They came out after a while, 3 police, 2 men and a woman. She came and talked to me and the men tried to speak to D but he wouldn’t answer the door to them. They said they would have to come back today to speak to him. She just took some details, filled out another risk assessment. I’d taken my sleeping pill before I called them, I was struggling a bit, she asked me if I’d taken any pills, more than I should have, I said just my prescribed amount.

So they’ll be back today. Now of course I’m worried about Sam etc (but he's going to work so that's better). Too bad, too late, can’t change it. She said they’ll let me know what happens.

Talk later

Hilary Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.

I am so glad that you are ok, Hilary Rose. And I'm sorry that Dave did that to you. How awful. But it is wonderful that you called the police and got them involved. You did the right thing. Dave needs to know that he cannot just abuse you like that and that if he tries, there will be consequences. Plus if he would try to escalate this, you already have a record of what he has done with the police.

Let me know how things go today and how you are feeling.

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you Kate,


Yes I'm kinda glad there is a logged incident, though they didn't see anything nor get to speak to him while he was drunk...


I know he was drinking for nearly 6 hours and that he was very drunk, Poppy told me she saw him briefly when she got back from her friend's house at about 1am. I told her that there might be a visit from police either here or at the barn and why. She said he only wanted the dogs. She said she had walked past a stationary police car AND an ambulance just down the road from here on her way home which was at about the time they must have been leaving me. I said that must have been something else, the ambulance had nothing to do with me. But it did, I remember the police woman speaking code into her walkie talkie, then one police man came back here to get the car keys, said I'd better move. It was at the point when I was struggling to speak and hold my head up bc I'd had my night pills and she asked me if I'd taken too many pills and whether I'd had any alcohol, I'd had a glass of wine earlier; but they didn't come in and they didn't say anything.


No news today though and no sign of D. I'm feeling really drowsy again, will go and have a rest while I can.


Hilary Rose

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.

Thanks for keeping me up to date. It sounds like Dave is not handling this situation very well. And it is unlikely he wanted the dogs. It is more likely he was looking for a way to harass you. You mentioned that he never showed interest in the dogs before, so suddenly caring about them is most likely not going to happen.

I hope you are resting well. Talk to you soon,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate, thank you for your unfailing support, I feel bad that I have put D into a depression but I knew it would happen.

Poppy said he was very drunk last night, he told her when she got in that he was upset that I’d taken the dogs, that now I have taken his last friends. Maybe if I hadn’t left a note at all he wouldn’t even have noticed. Sam said the same just now, he saw the notes I wrote and thinks that D might have thought I was being bitchy by telling him I had the dogs.He also said that he (D} had been sitting in his van with the engine running and music playing, gate open as if he was going somewhere, at 3am. Sam went down to him and just said ‘no’, turned the engine off and took the keys from him.

Sam has wrecked his car this evening on his way home after a bad shift. Too much going on for him, he isn’t coping too well. I will have to phone around breakers on Tuesday for a driver’s door. D says it’s a write-off, but I have to at least try.

D came in the cottage, no knock, just walked in, i was in the kitchen. I wanted to tell him to go away immediately but he began on about Sam and his car and the other woman involved. I answered as best I could, then he told me not to take the dogs, it confuses them, (I said of course it doesn't, they are very happy coming here, better than being home alone for hours and hours) not to call the police, he wouldn’t attack me. I told him I had the right to, he didn’t like that. He said he's depressed. I asked him to leave, told him I didn’t want him in my space, please to not come in as he did, I didn’t want to talk to him. He wasn’t happy, thought he should be allowed to come and talk to me about family stuff. He went out of the door then came back in saying something but I put my hands over my ears and didn’t hear a word. He left.

His first parting words before I blocked him out were ‘have I thought about what Abi said about menopause, you must look it up’ He said to Sam earlier that I don’t talk to him, that I’ve changed. I understand about the effects of reduced oestrogen on serotonin levels, but there are too many other factors involved, besides I wasn’t of that age 3 years ago. It seems that Menopausal depression is treated in the same way as other depression, HRT isn’t the answer. I know I should be telling him that, but I’m sure he’s done his own research.

Sam feels that he is a go-between, said he understood why D was angry that I’d taken the dogs bc they weren’t there to greet him. I said but they would have been alone for almost 6 hours, and why would I let that happen if I could give them company- he said he hadn’t thought of that. Previously I’ve put them back before going to bed, I suppose I should just do that if I want them with me when he is out. And Sam said to him that he shouldn’t get so drunk as he did last night it’s stupid, banging on my door like that, attempting to drive off at 3am. Sam asked me if he could take some food over for D if there was any left after we’d eaten (pasta carbonara), I said no, but now there is a bit left I feel mean and might relent. (I did) Sam said D isn’t in a good mood and he’s trying to make things easier for him. XXXXX XXXXXed pasta last night for him too.

Poppy is very sad tonight, keeps crying, I haven’t got to the bottom of it yet but it is bc of Joe. I shall go see her now and see if she is ready to talk yet. (Sam is done with crying now, but he was in a REAL state when he came home after his crash, his driver’s window smashed all over him, he was being verbally attacked by the woman driver of the land rover who hit him and hardly has a mark on her, he couldn’t tell her his insurance details, and someone in the car behind her was taking a photo of his out of date tax disc (his new one is in his room!! In the car NOW though)

This is a bad evening for us all, but we are trying hard.

The guilt is heavy, sleep coming, goodnight Kate,

Hilary Rosexx

PS Just had cuddles with Poppy she says she’s so happy to be here with me and she loves me soso much, we talked about Joe and her sadness this weekend bc he was being unkind, she was hoping to see him today but now she’s confused. She said she upset D earlier bc she was crying as she was walking through the barn, he tried to give her a hug but she just said she wanted to come home to see me. She has a end of module test tomorrow (science) she was upset she’d done no studying but I said lets just leave it, no point starting now, there’s lots to get through, we’d just get stressed that we couldn’t fit it all in. Besides, she said they know what’s going down at home, so hope they’ll understand. We’re watching Mama Mia at her request, singing badly!
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.
Hilary Rose,

I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a bad night. How awful to go through so many things all at the same time.

It sounds like Dave has not been able to handle his own feelings since you left so now he is pushing himself into your new space. Just walking in like that in to your home is trespassing. He is no longer allowed to do those kinds of things. It could be considered harassment as well. You may want to talk to your police contact tomorrow to see what they would advise for next time Dave does something like that. And I imagine, given how he is behaving, that he will. You may also want to check on your right to keep the dogs with you. Their safety has to be put first and at this point, it sounds like Dave is using them as a pawn to get to you.

Try talking to Ziggy and Adele as well about Sam. If he is being treated as a go between by Dave to get to you, then that has to stop now. That is very harmful for a child to be treated that way and it can potentially ramp up his anxiety and stress level and make it hard for him to cope.

I'm glad that Sam is ok after his accident. It is always so scary the first time you are in one. I hope all works out with is car.

Be careful to guard yourself from taking in Dave's actions and words. This situation is not about menopause. If it was, wouldn't everyone around you be pointing that possibility out already? That is Dave's excuse to blame this on you and a way to make you feel it is your fault. Classic abusive behavior.

I hope Poppy is feeling better soon about Joe. It sounds like he is not treating her well. Hopefully, it will work out for the best.

Sleep well, Hilary Rose. Tomorrow will be a better day!

Katexx
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Kate,


thank you, XXXXX XXXXX been some and some, but now I'm over stressed and over done and can't talk though I want to badly. A police officer called on D, then came to see me, I just wanted a big hug from him he was so nice and kind, I cried a lot, and he was very reassuring that I must use all the help that I need.


My evening has been difficult, but i'll talk tomorrow, glad of a day off alone (or so I hope)


Hugs (needed) goodnight


Hilary Rosexx


Poppy is better today thanks.


I'll try to accept again in the morning, has been denying me access :(

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.

I'm glad to hear that the police are giving the situation with Dave the attention it needs. Rest tonight and we can talk tomorrow if that works for you.

((((((((hugs))))))))

Katexx

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