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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question

Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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Ive cheated on my girlfriend and she has called the relationship

This answer was rated:

Ive cheated on my girlfriend and she has called the relationship off... is there any advice you can offer me?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about this. I have to say that what happened between you and your girlfriend is not unusual. Most women who have any self esteem who are not on board for having sex outside the relationship would do what your girlfriend has done.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Let me ask you what happened between you when she found out. What was the discussion about between you?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Knowing more about how the two of you communicated about this may help see where she is coming from and whether she will be open to work on this. How long have the two of you been together.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

When you say you cheated --- what happened? That is, how often were you with this other woman?

Customer:

weve been together 3 months

Customer:

it happened 2 times, when i was meant to be at a meeting.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

When you said sorry what was her response?

Customer:

she said it was over. i tried to lie my way out of it.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Did she know you were lying?

Customer:

she said she couldnt take the lies

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

What would you like to see happen?

Customer:

us to get back together...

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Do you know why you cheated ?

Customer:

being stupid and thought i could get away with it. its a distance relationship

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Has this happened before in other relationships?

Customer:

no never

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

In other words is this a pattern that happens with you or is this the first time this has happened?

Customer:

first time ive ever done this

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

What did you tell your girlfriend? How did she find out?

Customer:

she said she could tell i was lying. she started questioning me and eventually i told her the truth when she said its over

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

What do you think of telling her that I know I lied to you because I knew what I did was not acceptable. What it did make me realize is how much I do care about you and I really want to work on the relationship because I realize how important you are to me.

Customer:

ive tried saying something like that

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

And ... what was her response?

Customer:

you lied to me

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You see, if she is not willing to work on things it makes it very difficult.

Customer:

we are still chatting and she keeps saying she cares about me and wants to stay friends

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You can say, I know I did and I am deeply sorry. Is there anything that I can do to let you know that I really care about you and want to remedy what I did.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Well that is good that she said that and says she still wants to be friends.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

How far away does she live from you?

Customer:

ive tried asking is there anything i can do and she keeps scooting over the question.

Customer:

273 miles i live in canterbury kent she lives in manchester

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

When, by the way did all this happen?

Customer:

yesterday

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Oh, that's far!

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So maybe since she says she still wants to be friends and that she care about you, hang in there and be patient --- see where it goes.

Customer:

oh just dont mention what happened?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Is there any reason for you to see her in person. That sometimes helps.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You mean she says "oh just dont mention what happened."

Customer:

no i was asking should i not mention anything that happened?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Oh, LOL

Customer:

no reason to meet in person

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Not right away, but pay attention to her cues --- close attention --- see if there is any opening.

Customer:

ok

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

For example, since there is no reason to see one another in person, keep up the telephone, texting, e-mail contact. Maybe after a few weeks you can see where she is at and suggest going to see her.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

D O N ' T talk about other women.

Customer:

ok thankyou

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Try for a few weeks --- maybe she'll calm down. See where it goes. Don't push it. I am here for you so if there is anything at all that you want to run past me just shoot me a question. All you need to do is put Dr. Shirley Schaye before your question and I will be the one to respond. Remember this just happened yesterday. Give her some time. To be honest with you most women would find this egregious. But hey, people can get past this and can work things out. Just keep in touch with her and then me to run anything you wish by me.

Customer:

ok thankyou for helping

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I am here for you.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I wish you well.

Customer:

ty

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