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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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i met this girl at university 2 years ago, i loved her from

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i met this girl at university 2 years ago, i loved her from the beginning how ever i haven't showed her any thing until 1 month ago where i expressed my feelings physically, after we kissed for the first time we talked for the first time about our feelings where i told her that i like her and she insisted that she doesn't know what is she feeling and she decided that for our best we should be only friends and this is because she have a feeling that she will hurt me in future, however that didn't happen and we kissed again 3 times and every time we did the same conversation happens that she cannot be in a relationship because she cannot withstand the idea of being take care off after that she decided isolate her self.
can you please help me with that
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,
I am sorry that you are going through this and I do understand how tough this could be when you both could want something then have that hinderence in between. It seems to be that she could have some insecurity issues. At first she had said she was afraid of hurting you. She may feel that she is not good enough for you and will not be the person that you are expecting or thinking she is. Then she says she does not like the idea if being taken care of. Putting all of this together she may also feel that she likes to be independednt and that may hurt you in the future. She may even be afraid of committment, so is not sure if she can handle a relationship which she sees as someone taking care of her. She does clearly have an interest for you based on her actions, but her fears are keeping her from proceeding. I would talk with her some more letting her know how you feel. Tell her it is not about you taking care of her, but rather the two of you caring and being there for one another. It is about enjoying each others company and letting the relationship grow from there. Let her know that you respect her and do not want her to feel that she would need to be taken cared of, but rather she would be treated good and with respect. Also, let her know to go with her heart and feelings not worrying about you yourself getting hurt. Tell her you are willing to take your chances on getting hurt by her (if this is true ofcourse). You can also ask her to open up as to why she feels she would hurt you. If she wants to take it slowly that is fine, but let her be aware of these things and that you are willing to do that. Make sure she is aware that you are willing to be friends and let things happen naturally. She does seem to have inner issues. Maybe you can help her get past this. If she will not speak to you another option is saying everything in a letter form. I wish you well and please let me know if I can be of further help.

Thanks,

Jennifer
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

she actually told me that she have inner issues, one of these is that she thinks that she will never be able to be with someone because her brain is always telling her so, and ive actually said the things you advised me to say


 


Note:-


-your analysing for her personality is true


-she thinks her inner problems came from her family wish taught het to be independent


-she barley tell anyone about her problems


-she have the ability to withstand the pain of leaving me


 


question: can you advise me with things i can do to help her overcoming her fear and inner issues

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Yes, that sure does sound like her issue. All you can really do is what you have been as well as be there for her. Continue to do this as long as she allows you too. I would suggest counseling to her since this can help her dig deep within her and work on all of her past and what she was taught in order to live a happy life. Sometimes counseling can be hard at first since it digs out the hidden emotion, but if she sticks to it she can learn that she is able and allowed to be happy being with you the person she wants while still being independent.
Maybe you can try staying friends and letting her see you will not crowd her space. If she feels this then she will probably run, so a good idea would be to start very slow and go as she is comfortable. Try to have her think about her future and if she is doing this now she can do this her whole life if she does not work on this whether it be through self help or counseling. Show her how she deserves to be happy and can still be independent. Back up everything you say with words, so she sees she can trust you. As the trust is built stronger then she may start to open up more and more with you. This is something that can surely be helped given she is willing to admit this and take the necessary steps. If she does not want to do counseling she can do self help books on this topic as well until she is ready if she changes her mind.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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