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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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My girlfriend of 1 1/2 years and I, both in our late 40s have

Resolved Question:

My girlfriend of 1 1/2 years and I, both in our late 40's have recently been going through a rough time. We started dating with the knowledge that she was attracted to me in many ways and I seemed to be someone personality and demeanor wise that she had long sought. I was apprehensive at first as she was married for the past ten years. She explained that she hadn't really been involved in the marriage for the past 5 or 6 years and they weren't divorced because they have a house together that is under-water and they are waiting for a point that they can sell without both losing their life savings. At the time she was living with a friend during the week and returning to her home on the weekends. Nine months ago we moved in together with the promise that she would see an attorney and go over what options she would have as far as divorce, legal separation, etc. and still maintain the home jointly with her husband until it could be sold to both sides satisfaction. Nine moths later we are having constant issue related to her staying the night in her home with her husband present every other Friday night. I have voiced my displeasure, she has commented that I seem happier and more fun on the weekends that she does not go to her home. A couple months ago she accidently sent me an email intended for her husband in which she stated she wanted to come over Saturday morning and maybe he could make her some oatmeal and they could watch some tv show together, in this email there were pet names and I love you's exchanged. She stated that maybe pet names was not a good idea and totally dismissed the I love you's and the fact that it makes it seem like she is making a date. She admits that she goes Friday night, he makes her dinner and breakfast, and they watch tv together during breakfast. She says the whole purpose of going is to clean and maintain the house and she gets enjoyment from the house that she is sinking so much money into. She states that she has told him that their relationship is over and that she is with someone else. She says that he forbids me over to the house and does not want to meet me, so everything at this point is based on me trusting these things to be true. She strenuously defends her right to go there for the night every other weekend, is not open to other things like going there on Saturday afternoon for a couple hours to clean when he is not there, etc. I am at a point that I do not believe he is aware that there is someone else in her life and the whole reason for her visits is to keep him pacified so that he does not file for divorce and want to sell the home. This is causing a lot of turmoil lately and she says that I am stupid because I have her and I should know that. Should I leave it alone? I just feel like there is dishonesty in play and a lack of respect and honor. Maybe I should not expect those things, but I feel myself being less and less happy in this situation.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

jenhelant :

Hi, I am here to help. Please allow me a few to read your answer carefully to respond the best possible.

jenhelant :

I am sorry that you are going through this. I actually do agree with you on this. Whether or not she is being honest is a fact to debate. However, I would say that this is disrespectful. I do think that most men would agree with you on this and me being a woman I do not consider this behavior is "normal" and do believe she should take your advice on cleaning when he is not there. I do not see the necessity of needing to sleep over. Even if she feels she needs to do this in order to get what she wants with the house she is going about it the wrong way. She should really consider your feelings in this and respect you. About the fact if something is going on or not would be a reality based in the emaik

jenhelant :

*email

jenhelant :

you found that sure raises suspicions.

jenhelant :

If you want to stay or not really depends on how you are feeling as well as

jenhelant :

how long you choose to have patience and accept this. It seems as though

jenhelant :

you have spoke to her and she is not seeing things from your view, so if this continues it really depends on you. As well as if she is willing to lose you over this.

Customer:

I told her last weekend that I wanted out and that this situation is just to much for me to accept. She has been constantly calling, emailing, and trapping me at home to profess that nothing is going on, that she sleeps upstairs and he downstairs. She is not letting go and wants to plan a vacation together. She says going to the house that she pays for for just one night every other week is her personal alone time and that I should understand that.

jenhelant :

It really would be up to you if you believe this or not as it could be true, but still if she wants to be in a relationship she does need to compromise. That is what a relatonship is all about plus those emails is what is also concerning.

jenhelant :

fThere are alternatives since she can go when he is not there.

jenhelant :

She seems to care about you, but this is really about whether or not the two of you are on the same page about what is right or "wrong" in a relationship

jenhelant :

Hi Are you still with me?

Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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