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SLREED
SLREED, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 217
Experience:  MS Marriage/Family therapy. Four years as a counselor.
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Is my relationship beyond repair, am I in love or just horny

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After a year trying to fix our relationship, I put an ultimatum forward to my partner(also father of my 3yr old). He was occasional coke user. Then I became one. Soon it took over our lives and I begged him to stop. I stopped but he didn't. He lost his job, would leave the house to come back the following day or evening, not answering phone or texts. The ultimatum stated that the next time he did that again - took drugs, never picked up his phone and didnt come home, it would be over. He agreed to that. He found a job away from us for few months, got himself out of the debt he was in...and came back full of promises. We were so happy together, for about 3 days. Then he said he wanted to go out and see some people. My whole world cringes when I hear that...I said 'OK, but remember the ultimatum...' but he did it again...I did not react straight away, I let it lie and didnt talk much...Two days later, he did it AGAIN, then I calmly asked him to move out and take everything with him. I was going to tell him that after 6 mnths, if he is clean and reliable, he can come home but as the news hit home, he looked like he was about to die...so I said in 3 months time instead. When it came to having our son, I said he can have him but needs to test negative before and after.


 


He refused to do tests a couple of times when I suspected he has taken something. He got furious the last time. On other occasions, he is quite happy to test. As cocaine is only detectable for three days...he knows when he may test positive....I know that I love him, but he has just turned into another person, I cant stand, I cant trust and I don't want to be with. Things werent looking too bright for the two of us at the start of this 'off' period (3 weeks in), so I started thinking about dating other people as I only have one friend just to hang out/find friends. I went online and was quite fun at first but then got overwhelmed by people just talking about sex. I met one person and exchanged numbers....but on the other hand, there is someone from my sports club, I really liked when I first met him in Sept, just as everything was falling apart. He texted me a few times...then one night I went out and drunk texted him that I liked him. Ended up going out for a date with him...and he told me he had a girlfriend!!!?? Despite the fact that he does have a girlfriend he invited me out, we kissed and made out and he slept in my bed but we didnt have sex...as I did not allow it for the sake of his relationship and also to give my ex a fair chance to try and fix our relationship(unless it is too late now)...My ex has now started to get himself back on track and I can see he is making an effort. We share custody 50/50 which I love...but I feel torn between the two men. One who is the father of my child (has exclusive rights to keep our relationship or build it (always))and I love but I would not trust him with anything...and the other who has a girlfriend and unless he breaks up with his girlfriend, I would never trust in the future...Am I giving my ex a fair chance here and is the other guy a rebound wanna be? I dont want to hurt anyone, not the guy that I fancy so much, his girlfriend or my ex and the least my son if I ruin the relationship with his father if it could have been saved! My trust issues have become so deep now, they are starting to show even in my proessional life


 


 I am almost 30 years old and very very very horny which just makes things far more complicated to define...please tell me what to do as I get lost in this storm of guilt,pleasure,pain,excitement and hope...

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  SLREED replied 1 year ago.
Okay, this is a lot that you have mentioned and I am going to try to be as honest as I can in giving you advice. I understand about the father of your child and that you love him. But I really think that for the time being you need not look into a relationship or repairing things with him right now. Not saying that it is never going to happen, but I do not think that should even be a focus with him right now. He has a lot that he needs to fix and a lot that he needs to do before he is ready for a relationship.

I know that you have said lately that he has gotten himself together, but it seems that he has a habit of false promises. He needs to prove himself for a year before you even consider a relationship with him. It may seem long, but he has a habit of relapse, he has a habit of letting you down. So before you even go down that road again, you need to know without a shadow of a doubt that he is off drugs and that he is functional. I fear moving in that direction too soon will cause your heart to be broken again. He let you down, he should prove to you that he is worth a second chance. Before you even consider letting him move back in he needs to be clean, have a job, for at least a year and test negative every time and never refuse a test. It may sound harsh, but better safe than sorry.

As for this other guy. I would not get to deep in with this one. It is just better to cut your losses. He has a girlfriend. For you to even be with him he would have to break up with his girlfriend and then be with you. Even then, it would be hard to trust him because he could met other women while he is in a relationship with you and cheat. He has already shown you that he is a cheater. So cut your loses with this guy before you get in too deep feelings wise.

Last, just date around. You have been through a lot. It is okay to date, do not be so pressed to find a relationship. The more men see that this is what you want, the more they will feel that they can get away with things. Do not let them sense your desperation. Date go out and have fun and find out what man you really like. Make a list of things that you want from a man, that you have to have. When you met a man in a social event, online, or wherever and they do not meet things on that list (for example on your list the guy should be single and not have a girlfriend or wife). As soon as you meet someone and they have characteristics that are not on that list or that break the list. Then leave them alone and move on. This will keep you from getting invested with the same type of man over and over and the more you do it, you will learn how to attract more quality men your way. Just because you have had bad luck lately with men, does not mean that there is no one out there fore you, because there is. You just have to keep trying and do not give up, and do not under any circumstance tolerate nonsense from a man. When you start to adopt confidence and a new way of dating. Better quality men will come.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much for taking the time to weigh in my situation. I moved to the UK for him and have only one friend to talk to. You have put a light in the tunnel for me. Thank you.

From the moment I met my ex, I have always thought that he was the one. And he has made me the happiest woman ever before the drugs problem came along. I am worried that if I go ahead with your suggestion and date other guys, he will just think that no matter what he does, it is in vain and that he will get worse. Also fear that if I slept with someone in the year that we would be apart, then that would impair any possibility to get back together in the future.

Your advice is brilliant , I just don't have the confidence to enforce it as I am so worried
Expert:  SLREED replied 1 year ago.
Your concerns are valid. But if you date other people then often times it may make him wake up at the possibility that he really is going to lose you. It sounds very strange, but men often like the chase. When faced with the possibility of losing you it may make him think that he has to get it together, because if he doesn't then he is going to lose you. It may make him even see that you do deserve better and make him step up to the plate and give you just that.

I think that you are very concerned about what he thinks, which is understandable. But I just do not want you to put your life on hold waiting for him to come around. You are young and deserve better you deserve for someone to treat you nice. It does not mean that you will marry them, it just means that you need to be more social and understand what is means to be with a good man instead of surrounded in all the drama that is surrounding you right now.
SLREED, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 217
Experience: MS Marriage/Family therapy. Four years as a counselor.
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