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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
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My 10 year old son was having a hard time getting up for school

Customer Question

My 10 year old son was having a hard time getting up for school this morning. My husband started to tease him about how he was going to drive him to school and sing and embarrass him. he said it jokingly but he knew this was going to push our sons buttons. So, when he got out of bed he told his dad to stop it and started punching his stomach. My husband in turn pulled his hair and yanked his head back yelling at him that he has behavioral problems. Personally, I think they both have behavioral issues. Then my husband said, fine I;m done with you. Your mother can take you to school. I will not be bothering you anymore and walked away. This is a common occurance in our house. Once he was choking our son because he would not get out of bed for school. Help, I'm scared and at the end of my rope.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

20pluscounts :

Welcome! Thank you for your post today. I can assist you.

20pluscounts :

It sounds like things are not going well in your home, especially between your husband and son. It's abusive what you describe your husband doing to your son. Often that's how abuse starts is a parent feels powerless, disrespected, helpless, and acts out angrily.

20pluscounts :

If a child came to my office and told me this was happening in the home I would be mandated to report it to social services. Something must be done before this gets more out of control.

20pluscounts :

By the time a parent is angry or enraged, a behavior issues has gone on too long, and that parent makes more about being "disrespected"- more energy goes into the battle verses problem solving what needs to be put into place to assist your son to get up in the a.m.

20pluscounts :

I'm quite sure your husband wants your son to listen, to respect his parents, but is at a loss to putting the appropriate expectations and limits into place.

20pluscounts :

I'm glad you posted your question today. I think it's understandable that you are scared. I would encourage you as soon as possible to contact your husband- before you all come together this evening and tell him you are scared. Afraid this is going to escalate and that it's time to wave the surrender flag and as for help. Come up with a specific plan on how to problem solve the behavior issue- not getting up on time, or whatever the behavior of concern is. Once you and your husband have decided something needs to change, identify what appropriate consequences would be. Once you decide what the expectations and consequences will be it's vital that both you and your husband work from the same "page" and follow through on what you decided. Sharing with your son what the two of you have decided, letting him know the plan. Sometimes asking a child what the appropriate consequences would be is productive. Both of you talking to your son and stating "we have a problem" and something needs to change. Your husband also needs to apologize to your son for his actions.

20pluscounts :

Since may be the more calm and reasonable one, get your husband to agree that if he starts getting agitated he allows you to take over. Coming up with a plan ahead of time- identify what behaviors need to be addressed, appropriate and natural consequences, and doing this immediately is vital. Validating your husbands frustration in all of this my make him more open to a discussion, and letting him know you will work just as hard to work with him. Both of you need to agree what is a reasonable intervention first.

20pluscounts :

If you believe the above is not reasonable or possible I'd encourage you to consult with a family therapist to address this crisis. Getting help and support to identify the steps that need to be taken to avoid further physical escalation. This is a crisis and needs you and your husband's immediate attention. You need to protect your son. You started putting a change in place by seeking out ideas and information today. I can't imagine your husband feels too great about what happened.

20pluscounts :

http://www.parentfurther.com/ Here is a link for additional information about effective parenting.

20pluscounts :

Left hand side of the web site click on "I am a parent" for more specific information.

Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
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