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SLREED
SLREED, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 217
Experience:  MS Marriage/Family therapy. Four years as a counselor.
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I am extremely anxious no more so than when I was with my (was)

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I am extremely anxious no more so than when I was with my (was) girlfriend. I have very low self esteem. In the main because I have not pulled my finger out and made something of myself. I believe I am reasonably intelligent but I just don't seem to be able to harness the horse power under the bonnet. It's like I have the wrong fuel in the engine or it's really badly tuned. I am very aware that I don't have much to offer people (apart from money), however I have many very kind, loyal and loving female friends. I seem to gravitate towards female energy far more than I do male energy. That said I have done some very boyish things in my time such as sports and pass time to which I have done to a very high level. In short I am a perfectionist but I can only excel in things when they don't mean anything. As soon as something gets REAL, like a relationship where we start trying for a family and getting engaged and wanting marriage I get so scared because I feel inadequate to support someone and our children who will be entirely reliant on me and my earning power. It's not that I'm a commitment phobe. You only have to look at the loyalty I have shown my employer and my friends over the years. My girl-friend and I broke up a number of times and eventually we got so cross with each other that the love seemed to go from her and the intimacy. I do still love this woman so very much. I think the world of her. She used to worry that I saw her as perfect, but I am pragmatic and I love her for all of her, inside and out. She has refused to return my contact for over a month now (in fact I suspect she has cancelled my number and mail addresses - depsite our being together for two years), despite my sending mails and txts. Not so many as to be threatening (in fact the mails I send are more and more far spread) but I have this strange feeling that we are meant to be together if only I could learn to love myself as much as I love her and if only I didn’t feel SO inadequate and SCARED around her family. She on the other hand has sent a card saying that I'm not the man for her. It's all down to my anxiety and my fear. I wish I could shift my fears. I hate who I am because I feel like a coward and I know that any woman who is going to put herself at risk to bear someone's children needs to be entirely assured that the man is going to be there for them through all the trials and tribulations of child rearing and family life. As she said once "what would happen if one of our children was disabled" meaning that she didn't think I would be able to handle the pressure and the heartache. And she’s right I probably wouldn’t. I am so very upset that I just got everything so wrong. And of course when one has fear one just reverts back to fight or flight. I either run away and burry my head in the sand or I become combative when she is only trying to help. I laid all my cards on the table fairly early on in our relationship but she said I was not ready for marriage and if only we had met 2-10 years earlier. I know she would be the most amazing wife and mother and I only want her to love me as much as I love her. I just don’t know what to do. The longer time goes on the less she will think of us and the more she will focus on her business. I will just have to see her go on to have the world she dreamed of. I’m so scared and saddened. I just wish I didn’t get everything so very wrong in my life. I know I’m kind, friendly, loyal, smart, eloquent, caring. But my g f said she needed me to be cheeky and funny as this made her relaxed and warm to me so that we could be intimate. When we first met I made her laughg until she was breathless. The longer we were together the worse I became until she became exhausted.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  SLREED replied 1 year ago.

Well first I would like to tell you to stop telling yourself that you do not have much to offer people. I am sure that you do, but you just have to harness the energy and find out what that is and stop being so down on yourself. I think that a large part of your problem is that you beat up on yourself a lot. No one in this world is perfect and we all have our downfalls. But you cannot let those down falls over shadow the positive things that you have going for yourself.

 

Some positives that I see in just reading this is that you seem to be very in tuned with yourself and what is going on with you. I see that you are receiving counseling for your depression and I think that it great. Sometimes a life coach can be good to. It is different from counseling in the sense that it helps you create a plan for your life so that you can feel like you have a purpose. I think that this is what you need. Even if you do not get a life coach. But write down a plan on what you want to do. Even if it does not seem attainable, write it down. then write things that you feel you can do now to bring you closer to that goal. begin to write the good things about yourself and the good traits about yourself and repeat then to yourself everyday. This will start changing the way you think about yourself.

 

You said that you have low self esteem. When you said bad things about yourself, you must erase them from your mind and make an effort not to say bad things about yourself. The point of this is to retrain your mind on how you look at yourself If you tell yourself everyday that you have low self esteem and that you are a coward, then this is going to bring you lower and make you feel worse everyday. The key to getting your girlfriend back, is to because confidence. The male in the relationship is suppose to have these traits, and you can have these trait, but you have to start believing it yourself. Find a purpose on your life, find out what you want to do, and then make small steps everyday to get there.

 

I am sure that once you find your confidence then you will feel more secure in your relationship. You will know that you will be able to withstand the trails. After all, what you are going trough is a trail....but yet you are still here and you are still trying to get yourself together. That in itself take strength. You have to start giving yourself credit for that. Once you begin to believe in yourself, you will see that the counseling and medication will work better, because it is a combined effort, and you are not just relaying on the mediation to fix you. But you are putting in equal amounts of work to fix yourself.

SLREED, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 217
Experience: MS Marriage/Family therapy. Four years as a counselor.
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