How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question

Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
13551071
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Jen Helant is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

i was in perfect relation wid my ex bf since last nov 2011.but

Customer Question

i was in perfect relation wid my ex bf since last nov 2011.but i was really very rude n bossy. he just said to me in aug 2012 dat he cn just b a frnd n nothin more. but he was still very caring n used to come to c me every evening.used to tk care of my all needs.but i was being very pushy n i ws pressuring him that i want u bck as my bf not as a frnd.i cut my wrist n wrote wid my blood dat i luv u. he said that all wat u r doing is pushing me futher away.i cried n begged.nothin happened.i went to his work one day n said that i wont leave untill u fix everythg.i created a scene at his work place n also threatened him.all this in beggining of sep 2012. but he still kept contact wid me. then he came on my bday to tk me out for dinner after all this in last week of sep.on that nite i started same drama again n he got pissed off n dropped me home without dinner. but called me after 20 mins to say sory.dat was the last time i saw him.since that he never came to c me.but worst,never called me again.but whenever i call him,he always answers n talks to me wid respect.but he says to me everytime-if u have any problem u can call me anytime, ill get help u.other than dat i hv no other topic to talk on.since last 1.5mnth, m trying limited contact wid him to gv him space.whenevr i call him he nvr talks to me at all except-yes m fine.wrk is ok.talk to u later. i texted him few times dat u say dat v r friends,then y u dnt talk to me at all.he sais whn i ll feel dat u r just a friend, i ll call myslf to check on u.last wednsday, he called me to say hi but nothin else.nw ystrdy i called him aftr 4 days to say hi.he said yes i m a frnd, but just to help u nothin more.i cnt b a frnd to a persom whom used to hv feelings for.U N ME-EVRYTHG FINISHED.dnt pressurise me.i hv no belief in luv n relations anymore.i dnt wan any gal in my life again.i luv my boy friend's company,alcohol n freedom only.m stuck wid my visa conditions here,i hv wrk pressure here. m stuck. m just 25 yrs n cnt marry anyone till nxt 4-5 yrs,so i dnt wan to get into this trap again.i dnt wan to start all dis again in my life whn i cnt promise u future.i suggest u to move on n find sumone as u r 28. plz leave me alone n whn i ll feel dat u r behavin like a friend, i ll cal u myslf. he said dat ystrdy again. NOW,
i really knw that he is trapped in a worst situation regarding his visa n wrk n i knw there is no other gal in his life at all. i feel dat he luvs me.he has got feelings for me.but coz of this mess, he cnt feel them anymore.he dsnt wans to c me cz he dnt want to revive those feelings,he realises he is hurting me.so he cnt face me. and coz he dsnt knws abt his future,he dsnt wants to hold me for him. so he acts strongly on phone n tells me to move on. we hv no future. i dnt wan any responsibity or relations now.m confused n dnt know wat to do abt my life.so plz leave n dnt pressurise me.
QUESTION-
1) i luv him truely n ready to wait for him no matter wat.m not joi,i am. but are there any chances that i can get him back, cz i feel he luvs me... but not sure that its his guilty makin me call him or his hiddden feelings which he cnt admit..??
2)if there are any, wat shd i do to get him back slowly slowly..?? i dont want to leave him alone cz i knw that will make him forget me n move on wid his life. i dnt wan feelings to b dead by passage of time. but also dnt knw hw to get him bck, cz he dsnt wans to talk or c me. he dsnt wans me to text him luv msgs or any sentimental things otherwise he vil cut all sort of communications.
i m not going to give up at all. but wat shd i do to get him back, whn he made me clear ystrdy that he cnt b friend to me, is not goin to call me for casual talk or vil cm to c me. its just humanity that if i need help, he vil help me.
plz show me the rite way to get him back. i cnt live widot him. n m not goin to gv up. thanx
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

jenhelant :

Hi, You have tried a lot of things and I certainly do not recommend you cutting yourself again. That can be dangerous to you. He seems to care about you since he took you back even after all the issues, but then it happened again. He still remained in contact with you until it became too much. He seems that he cares greatly for you, but the issues going seemed to be too much for him in addition to all of this he has his own issues to deal with. At this point the best thing that you can do is give him space. I know you do not really want to give him space, but that is really the best thing at this point. If you cause drama then it will be counterproductive. Try writing him a letter letting him know how sorry you are or all the past drama, let him know that you are working on change, remind him of how you will be there for him with any issue that he is going through and you want to help him. Also, let him know that you will move on in order to give him the space he is requesting. Ask him if he changes his mind to contact you. If he truly loves you and wants to try and make things work he will then contact you. If you are always there then he will not have a chance to miss you and realize his feelings as he will just get annoyed. If he is taking you forgranted then when he sees that you are serious he may try and get you back then. He will not forget about you if he loves you. This is truly the best way right now. You do not want to continue what you are doing it will just push him away. In the meantime you can take care of yourself and learn from your mistakes. That way if he does come back you will be even better for him and ready for the relationship. I wish you gentle wishes and please let me know if I can be of further help to you.

Customer :

thank u for replyin.

Customer :

i hv told him very politely many times oner weeks that m really sory and wud like to carry on just as a friend to show him wid time that i hv changed.but he says dat he is not God and ant gv me or relation a chance.it was his first luv n relation n he had vry bad experience. he learnt his lsson hard way. his friends were rite abt gals n relations. he is out of that drama nw n dnt want to start it again

Customer :

but jst ystrdy he tld me dat he cnt b a frnd to me cz once he used to luv me. so he cnt n a normal fnd to me like-calling me evryday, checking on me, coming to c me n all dat. but if i hv any prob, i cn tell him. dats it. he dsnt wans me to text him luv messages or anythg otherwise he vill cut all communication. i dnt knw at to do to show him dat m ready n willing to change for him. i asked him ystrdy dat if we r not talkin or meeting each other, hw will he notice change in me? he said- he dsnt wans me to change or do anythg for him. bt jst leave him alone. when he vil c dat m just acting like a frnd, he vil cal me himself .

jenhelant :

It is my pleasure to help. He sounds very hurt by everything. This is why to space and time will help. Unfortunately no matter how much you tell him it will not help. He needs to see the change, but can not be overnight. It needs to be over time in order for him to see it and believe it. He is not ready for a relationship right now. I do not see anything wrong with you contacting him in a few weeks to see how he is, but not to ask for him back, but just to check up on him. Once he has a chance to sort out all his feelings and see that you have changed over time then I think there can be a chance again for the relationship, but you are going to ened patience. Time is going to play a big factor in the relationship. Time does heal wounds.

Customer :

now if we hv no communication at all, hw cn i shw my changed nature to him? the way he lives, there is no chance i can c him or bump into him. his friends hv tld me that he is vry egoistic n adamant. but he just says that he dsnt cares or dsnt minds anythg, but from his heart he feels evrythg. just doesnt shows, not even to his parents or best friend. assuming his nature, i feel he luvs me, but trying to act like he is not hurt or doesnt feels dat he is hurting me. he is just confused. but my question is, hw to start prove to him.

Customer :

if he is not in contact wid me or even if he is once in a week for hi hello... hw cn i show him my changed nature for him to believe in me n relation again. sory but cz m so disturbed, i cnt figure out this thing n askin u- how cn i prove to sum1 widot any contact?

jenhelant :

The best way to show him you have changed is actually not contacting him. This alone will mke him notice a change has occured. In addition to this when you do contact him in a few week timeframe and make small talk you can tell him what you are up to. Just by the way you carry yourself and talk he will see changes have been made$

Customer :

may i plz ask u sumthing quickly?

Customer :

i had bn reading articles on how to get ex back. but m confused on methods given n my situation..??

Customer :

books says-make him jealous, show him u r a successfull woman n has moved on.

jenhelant :

Also. if he sees you are not doing the drama by contacting him all the time and he sees your demeanor is different this can incline him to try again. Then when together he will also see the rest of the changes. Show him you are maturing and will not do all that drama. Just the surface changes he will notice are different.

jenhelant :

In your situation I would not suggest making him jealous, but yes to

Customer :

but in my situation, v are indians n as an indian boy, he will not like a successfull woman, as indian men nvr want a gal who is more successful.

Customer :

or

jenhelant :

Showing him you are successful. This will attract him to you again also by seeing you moved on will make him realize he is loosing you and could make him take action.

jenhelant :

Oh I see

jenhelant :

So that plays a role

Customer :

he says to me that he learnt his lesson hard way. he learnt that-he is nve going to marry a gal who is elder n commanding or is more literate than him, which i am. he sais he vill marry illiterate gal who vil obey hi. when i said i will b that person for u, he said u cnt, cz no1 cn change their nature n i dnt wan to gv relation a chance. i wan to solve mess of my life first, luv has no place rite ne.

jenhelant :

However. he does not like the drama, so I think he will be attracted to the fact if he sees you have matured and stopped the drama and not so good behavior. If he sees you sweet and calm. This would take the place of being a successful women in your situation.

Customer :

now if i listen to his friends of many years- he is just saying all this rudely coz of his ego, but in his heart is sumthin else. so he still luvs me, bt cz of his probs he dsnt wans to start relation again. but he sais rudly on my bday dat- if u think dat things vil b ok by time. den wait patiently. y telling me again n agian that u vil wait for me. but then next day he called n said-v hv no future n v cnt hv any future. move on.

jenhelant :

I don't think you should be as an illierate for him. You need to be who you are when it comes to the positive, but as for the negatives then like being controlling those are things you can work on. He seems to be needing to organize his life right now, so this space will also help him sort out his feelings.

Customer :

i am goin to do watever u r telling me cz u r an expert but plz tell me one thing...

Customer :

if m really going to gv him space- vil it actually help him forget bad memories n gv relation a chance..??

Customer :

m sure that i ll b in limited contact wid him coz i knw for sure that otherwise he vil move on thinking dat if m not contacting him at all, i must hv moved on, so he shd nt contact me to revive the issue.

jenhelant :

He seems to be giving mixed messages. It would be up to you how long you want to wait if you do not see things progressing. However, if you decided to move on even after you move on you could always then re evaluate your situation at the time if he were to come back.

jenhelant :

It will help prove the changes. Most

jenhelant :

People do not believe just by hearing. They want to see the changes over a period of time.

jenhelant :

He may not forget the bad, but the good can eventually weigh out the bad in time.

Customer :

i am pretty sure that i am goin to wait for him. but as an expert, i wanted u to kindly tell me that do u think that my situation has a chance..??

jenhelant :

Yes very limited is okay, but nothing like you have been

Customer :

sory i didnt get the answer..?? i wanted to know that are there any chances that he might change after 4-5 months noticing change in my nature..??

jenhelant :

By what he was doing at first it seemed like it did have a chance. Now more difficult since he says he does not want to be bothered. However. based on the entire situation I think there is a chance. He just needs time to sort this all out. He is confused, hurt, and upset. It will just take time. Sure willl not be overnight, but surely a chance. Yes, there is a chance if you try and do what we spoke about I think you will have the most chance.

Customer :

thank u so much for answering my last question. i hope u didnt gv the answer just to please me, but u gv it as an expert after analysing this particular situation.

Customer :

i vill do wat u said- i vil gv him space but vil maintain a limited contact wid him to let him know that m still there waiting for u wid a changed nature. n i think that he is not that rude, who vil move on leaving me alone after a year realising m waiting. he is not that hard heartened.

jenhelant :

Yes, I always like to be honest with my clients. Just as I told you the things that should be changed. Honesty is always better whether positive or negative.

Customer :

its just i dnt knw wat to sya when i call him, cz he dsnt wans me to talk on nythg romatic or past. i wish i cud knw hw to mk him talk to me..

jenhelant :

Yes, he seemed very caring and good to you before. He seemed tired of the drama, but probably still has feelings for you. This is why change is important because that seems the only way to get him back since he seems done with the drama issues.

Customer :

m getting ur point n it makes sense to me.

jenhelant :

Don't call yet. Wait a little and when you do just make small talk and see how he is. Don't talk about the relationship or past. Focus on how is he and if you can help him in anyway.

jenhelant :

I am glad it is all making sense to you.

Customer :

yep thanx. two things.

Customer :

first- m not goin to call him, cz last time he said that when he will feel dat m acting like friend, he will call him himself to say hi n he did in 3 days, may b realising dat he had bn talkin rudely to me. n he said same thg ystrdy as well. so i ll wait for him to call me, do u think dats d rite way..??

jenhelant :

That is the right way. Also, that is a good sign that he said he will call when he is ready and he ctually called. This is very good and on your side. Just make sure you react positive when he calls. Try not to be rude or etc. You want to work on getting him back, so be friendly and let him know you are there for him. Be considerate of his feelings, take things slow, don't talk about the relationship. Make small talk and focus on him. Then see where he takes the conversation and go from there.

Customer :

n secondly-yes i wan to say exactly wat u r suggesting me. that is- talking casually n on general topics only. but he says i dnt want any help from u. leave me alone. if i vil need help, i ll ask for it. i dnt feel comfrtbl talkin on any topic wid u, cz i cnt b a friend. he jst said dat ystrdy. i think he feels uncmftbl. n i dnt knw dat hw to mk him atleast talki to me as a casual friend.. he jst dsnt talks to me at all. i ask him hw r u? hwz thgs? his answer are- yes, ok, fine. thanx. hw to mk him feel cmftrbl n talk to me atlst as a frnd..

Customer :

cz i think wid time n distance, he vil loose the connection wid me n den vil feel more uncomfrtbl talkin to me. if i cnt get him talk to me nw as a frnd.

jenhelant :

He probably is uncomfortable. That is common among me though and you shouldn't take that personal, but as you grow the relationship back. The friendship and if things work out then as he trusts you more and more maybe he will learn to open up to you. A lot of men tend to have trouble with that.

Customer :

now m feeling much more mentally comftrbl learning from u dat-its not him raecting like dat. its natural wid boys to raect this way. so i shd nt panic

jenhelant :

Take the friendship slow and things grow and bloom. Its all in steps. As he sees each conversation better and better with less drama then you both may have more contact, so horgetting will not be an issue. Taking it in steps is important and going from there.

jenhelant :

Yes, lot of them have trouble opening up. Some are afraid of looking "less of man"

Customer :

mayb wid time n whn he really cn feel n sense change in me, he vil initiate himself.

Customer :

i guess thats y he dsnt cms to c me at all cz he cnt face me

jenhelant :

Probably even more so in his case due to the fact you mentioned with the culture factors

jenhelant :

Yes, exactly

jenhelant :

You got it! You are on he right track

Customer :

n yes i vil tk it slowly cz i luv him n wan him back. may b wid time he vil c himself dat even he traeted me rudely, rejected me... i still didnt move on n m politely waiting for him to finish his problems in his life. i didnt pressure him at all. we both are indians. i hope he vil take all that into account to mk a cm bck. i believe, he is not that rude who vil move on..

Customer :

i just cnt thank u enough to show me the rite way.

Customer :

till now i was thinking dat m lost n hv no chance at all on winning him back.

jenhelant :

Your thinking now is all good. I agree with you. I am so happy that I have helped you. If you even need to talk again you could request me in your question in the future. I wish you the very bst and it has been my pleasure truly.

Customer :

but u made it clear that he is not acting differently. mostle men act in a same way.

jenhelant :

Yes

jenhelant :

That is right as well

Customer :

thank u once again. God Bless U.

Customer :

i hope that ur guidance will make me win him back. cz i luv him truely n i believe he luvs me too. but is not confessing.

jenhelant :

God bless you too! Thank you for allowing and trusting me to help.

jenhelant :

I too hope you both can be together again and live happily.

Customer :

thank u. gud bye

jenhelant :

Bye Bye and Take care!

Customer :

hi there how are you today?

jenhelant :

H, Sorry I did not see you message yesterday. We can talk again if you like. However, I think you may have forgotten to rate my answer the other day. If you could do that that would be wonderful as well. Thanks!

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency