When he is irritated with something I say, he doesn't seem to consider another possibility apart from the one he is seeing. Not sure if I've answered. We just came back from 1 week holiday together and I feel so confused and upset.
He hasn't always been like this. I wonder whether I have changed on the way I say things and maybe it just irritates him.
We don't live together, each has their own home. We started seeing each other around 6 years ago and broke up twice in between those years. We have been in a closer relationship maybe for 2 or 3 years.
Can you suggest an assertive way to talk to him about these issues. I'm just worried that he'll start saying I'm criticising him. I'd like to find a way that doesn't trigger his defensiveness.
Are you still there? I've had a problem with my computer.
I don't know what happened, I'd written quite a bit and suddenly everything went black. I had to change from internet explorer to Firefox which seems fine at present. God... let me try to remember what I was saying.
For example while we were on holiday I think the first time he got annoyed was on perhaps the 3rd day. We were walking along the cliffs (near the sea) and it was dark, I was afraid I kept trying not to follow the path he was on if it seemed dangerous. I think i perhaps spoke many times because I was anxious and I'd say things like 'No!...I can't go that way' 'No, it's dark, it's dangerous...' 'I don't want to go that way, let's go this other way'. Maybe this made him anxious also, he kept saying 'can you trust me?' and the way he spoke became upsetting to me, he said I was catastrophising... I felt he was imposing something on me...How can I mention this to him?
Actually when we found our way out of darkness that evening he gave me a hug so I guess he realised I was scared but I wasn't very receptive because I was afraid and hurt by his words and annoyed. I feel really bad since we came back from holiday because he paid for the holiday as a birthday present for me and I don't even know if I've thanked him. Since we returned (3 days ago) I've felt so upset... I've cried everyday and I can't bring myself to even contact him. I feel really depressed...I don't want him to feel guilty for the way I feel...I'm not even sure if all this upset was just because of the way he spoke to me a few times and which really hurt me.
I only started noticing during the holiday that I got extremelly upset one day when in reply to something I'd said (can't remember what) he said that next time I should go on holiday with my next door neighbour (someone he knows I totally dislike) and he kept going on about it in such a way that I felt I was causing him to have a horrible holiday with me. I thought I was just going to burst into tears, so I went to the toilet and stayed there for a while because I was crying uncontrollably. When I managed to stop crying and washed my face and pretended everything was fine I got back to him and he asked why I had taken so long... he kept asking if I was alright and I said yes. We went into a shop and he bought me something as if he was trying to console me. I then forgot about it and got back to my normal self. However, later in the evening he went out for a walk and I decided to stay in the apartment. When he returned and started telling me where he had been we couldn't understand each other because the way he was telling me he had walked didn't make sense to me. I was happy to just leave that conversation and said a few times that the following day he could show me where he'd been walking but he kept insisting and kept not understanding. He got really annoyed and started telling me that I made it very hard for him, he asked if I did it on purpose, if I just wanted to argue or what, etc I said that I was sorry he felt that way and that was doing nothing on purpose... then we both kept silent and when the lights went off my tears just kept flowing. We were on separate beds because that was the way the apartment was (the beds were too small) but after a while he realised I was crying, turned the light on and asked if I was o.k., I said 'yes', he asked if I was upset, I said 'No'. he later asked what I was upset about , I said 'I don't know'...I could not talk to him, I didn't know what to say. He seemed worried and kept the light on for a while and asked questions a few times but I just could not talk. Since that day I've been getting easily upset. I keep remembering my dad who passed away last year in september, I just seem to think of death and loss. I'm a Nurse and I'm finding it hard to work with ill people, mainly elderly. I come home and one way or another death and negative thoughts come to me.
Sorry it's getting too late for me. I have to go to sleep as it's almost 1AM and I'ver got to get up at 7AM to go to work. Can we continue the chat tomorrow? I'm going to save and exit. Good night
Thank you so much for your help. You have really helped me, I feel so much better today. I'm satisfied with your answers. I've printed your answers and I feel more prepared to talk with my partner now. He is a lovely person but he sometimes has a way of saying things that truly upsets me (maybe I sometimes talk in the same manner and don't realise). It seems to be hard for both of us to agree to disagree so often we end up arguing because we're trying to convince the other about our point. Also we often seem to understand something different from what the other is saying and he ends up saying that we are not compatible.
If a want to use this service at another time is there any way I can find you again?